He stood up as soon as I told him about the third time I had that nightmare. His eyes are red and so does his face. I could see a vein popped up from his neck and I know he is mad. Frustrated. And disappointed. He rubbed his face as he groaned over his frustration. Shit, what have I done?
"Why? Why Maddie? You just dated him for only a month! And you already throw yourself to him? And it's not his fault but yours? Are you kidding me? So you make a move first? Why? Tell me!" he asked with a stern voice.
I flinched as he raised his voice a little. I know he is beyond disappointed.
"Calm down, Jade," I said, with a faint smile. I mean, who didn't? If my dad were still alive, he would be disappointed too.
"How am I going to calm down, when you keep doing things like this, Maddie? You know that it will hurt you the most, and might trigger your past, so why did you do that?"
"You did that too, Jade! You're moving on too, and I want to move on from anything that holds me back! Why can't you understand?"
He glared at me with his hands around his waist. I know I shouldn't say that? How can I compare myself to him!
"It took me three years and a half, Maddie! And I still try my best to move on! Because I know that I'm broken. And god knows how hard I'm trying to fix my broken part and I'm pretty sure you know that too! And you took one month, knowing that you're broken to do something that may break you even more! I'm not even mad if you choose to let him embrace you once you're mentally fine but one month? You barely know him, Maddie! Did you know him, the entire him? Right, you know his name, age, work, house, but other than that? You throw yourself, for a man that you don't even know, Maddison! And you asked me why I can't understand you? Because I don't see why you need to do that? And this happened? How can you compare me with you? When you're suffering way more than me?" he said with a hoarse voice.
"I'm trying too! Everyday!" Damn, it keeps slipping in the wrong way. He glared at me, deadly. Shit.
"Oh god, what were you trying to do? Fucked him? Because that was stupid! At least to me! What are you trying for? For what? If you're saying you tried to prove to him that you love him, that's stupid! And now you're moving in with him too? Are you kidding me?"
I scoffed as I heard that. Okay, I know I'm being stupid but did he think I tried to do that because I want to prove to him I love him?
"Do you think I do that to prove that I love him?" I asked in disbelief.
"Then what?"
"And why are you acting like this, Jade? Shouldn't you be happy if I'm happy?" I am pissed. I know I shouldn't say this. I should say something nice and soft but I don't know why but I am pissed.
"You asked me that? For real? Maddison! I am worried about you, and I don't want you to get hurt! Do you want to date him? Go ahead, I'm not stopping you. You have every right to date whoever you want, indeed. Trying to fuck him? Moving in? That's what I'm asking you right now! why do you need to rush things in your relationship? And what I'm worried about just happened last night! And you still asking me why am I acting like this?" he frustrated.
"This is my life, Jade! I choose what I want to do in my life!" Wrong move, Maddie!
"I didn't say you don't have a choice…" he choked as he rubbed over his face again. "I just don't want you to get hurt! And I'm just asking you, you don't need to do that! For him! You don't need to!"
"I want to. I want to do it, Jade. I love him so much that I want to do it. I thought that I would be fine because it's him. And I know he will never hurt me! I trust him, therefore...I'm trying so hard too. I'm trying so hard and I want to move on too. Do you know how hurt I am to think that I'm unable to move forward as if I'm stuck here! I'm stuck, I can't even get out of it. And the pain is just unbearable, day by day, it's getting even more painful but with him, I feel fine! I feel okay! I feel better, I can breathe. I forgot every single thing that hurt me when I'm with him! He made me feel worthful. He was there when I needed him. And I know he will come right away when I need him. I know that it would take time for me to finally be able to let go of everything. I know that for sure, but at least I'm trying hard too." Shit, I think I might cry.
He was stunned, shocked because I raised my voice for the first time.
"Are you saying that I'm made you feel worthless, Maddie?" he asked, with a frown. Oh god, that's not what I meant!
"That's not what I…"
"Does that mean, I'm not there when you need me? Did I make you feel like shit? Did I make it worse? Why? Because I was part of your past? And now I'm trying to prevent you from move on? Is that what you meant?"
"Jade, that's not it. I don't mean it that way."
He laughed lightly, nodding his head as he looked at me straight.
"I'm sorry that I make you worthless, Maddie. I'm not a nice friend nor your real brother. I'm just a kid from the same orphanage that coincidentally jumped into your life. I'm just a stranger to you, that makes you feel worthless, and moving on with my own life."
"That's not what I said!"
"Then what is it? What is it, Maddie? Make me understand."
"I was lonely!" I burst into tears as I said that. And I know, he's choking and hurting too. I could see from his face.
"You have me! You have Diana!"
"And you want me to depend my whole life on both of you? Till when, Jade? I'm twenty-six years old, and eventually, I will fall in love, no... I want to fall in love too. I want to get married and have kids too. I want to love someone and be happy with someone that I love and grow old with him too. Like you and Diana, I want to be like that too!"
"You can be happy with me and her!"
"Jade! Please!" the room filled with both of our silence and our breaths. He rubbed his face, frustrated with all of this. I'm frustrated too.
"And you know that I didn't mean it like that when I said I'm feeling worthless, Jade. That's not what I meant! You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Jade. You know that you're my family. One and the only family I have. So don't say that."
He approached me and kneel in front of me. "Tell me. Why do you still feel worthless? Because I'm not by your side?" he asked, without even lifting his head.
"You know, you and Diana are the most precious friends and family I have. You care for me, and even if you're busy with your own life, you still come back and forth to check on me, to see if I'm doing fine, and you always make sure that I'm doing fine. And looking at you making progress in your life, keep moving forward without even looking back into the past. I'm proud of you, Jade. So proud! And I always want you to be happier than anyone else did because I know you suffered enough because of me. Therefore, when you finally told me that you want to be with Diana, love her and build a new life with her, I'm so happy. So happy! And therefore, when you said that you have to move out because of your work, I told you to leave without any worries, because I know you're going to be happy."
I grabbed his hands and clasped them into it.
"You're my precious family, Jade. Therefore I'm happy for you. You make me happy. You did. What I meant by feeling worthless is not because of you. It's because of myself. I'm a coward. Who built a wall around me to protect me from getting hurt, but turned out, I'm hurting myself even more. I shut my whole world and was finally unable to hear any single sound. Because I don't want to hear anything and I don't have anything to hear about. I was the one who broke myself even more. I have no purpose, Jade. I just lived and waited for my final breath, I don't even know what to do in my life. I have no ambition, I have no goals. I have no interest. I have nothing that I want. I walked to work and ate, and slept, and repeated that cycle every day. I'm like a living corpse. And I met someone who was slowly breaking into my wall. He walked into it, slowly lighting up my life little by little. Slowly, I started to want to hear more of his voice, his laugh, his is my symphony. That doesn't mean you dimmed my world. I did. Me, myself. I shut myself deep inside a gaping hole inside my heart, too scared to come out and he found me. He noticed me."
He finally looked up with tears falling from his eyes. I hurt him. I didn't mean it. I know he worried. It would be a lie if I said I didn't.
"Yes, he reminded me of him, a man that ruined our life. But little by little, I can see that I was wrong, he was the opposite. He's not him, and he's not going to hurt me. And he makes me happy, with his annoyance and laughter. He taught me things that I don't want to know, he taught me how to watch movies. He fed me food even though I didn't want to, and whenever I panicked and hurt, he would come and console me, even though he knew he didn't do much, but he was still trying so hard to help me. He has so much patience and I don't think I can find anyone else like him. And I love him, Jade."
Tears fell from my eyes as I said that. I clasped into his hands tighter.
"Jade...this is my first time to feel this way. I never love someone this way before."
"That's why I'm scared for you, Maddie. What if you've gotten hurt even more, what if he didn't love you and broke you even more than you already did. I'm worried, Maddie. You're my one and the only family I have, and to see you hurt again, that will break me."
I smiled, faintly. I'm thinking the same too. What if this whole thing hurt me again?