I smiled at him as I patted his hands softly. It would be a lie if I never thought about the possibility of me getting even more hurt. But...I will be fine. This time, I will be fine! Like people said, no pain...no gain. If I didn't try, I wouldn't know. Whether I'm getting hurt or not, at the very least, I tried my best to move on with my life.
"Jade...like I said. This is my first time feeling this feeling. This is my first time and I'm so happy when I'm with him. It's not that I'm not happy when I'm with you and Diana, but I feel so much more when I'm with him. He is so bright as if he is my sun, Jade. And surprisingly, when I am with him, I can hear him well, loud and clear. His voice, his laughter, his movement. Everything. My world used to be silent, I can't hear anything but whenever I'm with him, slowly, Jade...it was like I'm slowly putting down my shield and wall. Jade...I'm able to use the lift, without holding hands. It's still hard to do it alone, but I took the first step. And I went out for the first time, to a mall, I shopped a lot. By myself. I wore something nice, and it was fun. It's still hard and I'm getting anxious but it was fun, Jade."
He smiled as he heard that.
"I'm a little greedy, Jade. I know I rushed into things, but I was excited. I thought it would be easy, but it's not. I admitted that I'm kinda stupid. But he told me to take a small step and we're going to take it slow. But as a person, I want to try even harder because I know how hard he tried and being patient with me. And Jade...I love the feeling when I woke up from a nightmare, he was there, making sure that no one was going to hurt me."
He looked down as he listened to everything I said.
"And when he suggested I move in, it's because he can protect me when you're not around, Jade. I love him so much, and I trust him. And even if this relationship is just for a moment, it'll be fine. I will be fine. Trust me."
He finally looked up again.
"I just don't want you to get hurt, Maddie." his voice croaking, as his tears fall faster. I leaned my body a little and cupped his face and wiped his tears.
"I'm going to be happy, Jade. Do you trust me?"
"Aren't you happy with me and Dee?"
"I am. But these feelings are two different things. Both of you are my family, and he will be one too. But it feels different, Jade. And I finally found a purpose, Jade. I finally have something to hold in my life, which is why I know that I will be alright. I will be fine, mentally, physically and emotionally. Can you trust me, this once? I know I made you worried. Look at me, here I am again, hurting myself when you're not around. But it's not because of him. It's me. I'm to scare, I'm too tired. I'm a failure, I know I failed. But can you trust me, one more time?"
He slumped his face on my knees as he sobbed even more.
"What if he hurt you, Maddie? What if you got hurt? What if he did something that broke you even more. What if…" his voice cracked. I rubbed his shoulder as he cried on my knees. "What if something bad happened and I'm not there to protect you?"
He looked up and cupped my face as he tried to hold his tears, "Tell me."
I know he wants me to say something to comfort his anxiety. He's worried and so do I. But, I'm sure I will be fine this time.
"I will be fine. Trust me! This time, I will be fine." I smiled wider at him. I felt so relieved actually. For being able to have a conversation with Jade. And I hope he understands. I know I'm being selfish. I know I rushed things up. I know, I know very well. But, I felt so much safe.
"Jade...I feel safer around him. I don't think I can live there anymore. Not after last night. It's too real, I'm afraid that if I stayed there any longer, I will keep dreaming that. I felt so much safer when I'm with him. Can you allowed me to move in with him? I will immediately tell you if something going between me and him. And if we both have a fight and he hurt me, I will run to you. I will run away from him. I know I being selfish but I feel so much safer here."
He looked at me deeper, thinking.
"Maddie...you only know him for a month, to move in with him, I couldn't say that I'm okay with this sudden decision. Of course, I'm happy if you moved out from that house, the security is sucks and awful, I know better than anyone else. But I don't know Maddie…" he stopped talking, looking up to meet my eyes. "You sure you will be okay? You sure?"
"I'm sure." he let out a heavy sighed and nodded slowly.
"Maddie...I want you to be happy too, I do. But it's hard for me...to trust you. And it feels so hard for me to trust him. But I will try to talk about this with him."
"With a fist?" I asked sarcastically. And he let out another sigh and shook his head.
"Without a fist, man to man talk. As a brother to his future in-law. That's all. I must say, I'm not impressed with your story, and all about the sexy thing you want to do with and so on. I'm against it! I'm not liking your decision to move in too. So don't expect to much from me."
"Maybe that's what all fathers in this world felt when their daughters fell in love and brought a man home." I smiled as I said that.
He let out a soft chuckle at my lame joke.
"I guess so…" he nodded again and slowly stood up and sat next to me. "I will try my best to trust him. And you. And I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you with my words, Maddie. And I want you to be happy more than anyone would. I wish you to have your happiness more than anyone else. But, I'm worried too, Maddie. Please understand me."
"I understand, father," I said, half-joking. I know it's lame, but at least he is smiling.
"And I want you to know that I love you, Maddie. You are my one and only sister, and you are precious to me. And I will take care of you, forever. So, if he tries to hurt you, run away from him. Run as fast as you could and far away from him if you feel that he's not for you. I will always be there to protect you."
I smiled wider as he said that. Would my dad also be as worried as Jade if he was still alive? Would he give me this kind of advice, or be mad at me because I want to move into my boyfriend's house right after a month of dating him. Would he? I'm sure he would, he probably cried too...hm.. I missed my dad.
But… Just thinking about that, already enough to make me happy. But that would never happen.
"Alright, I will run away as fast as I can. I promise."
He smiled at me and pulled me into his chest, wrapping my whole body with his arms.
"I'm so proud to hear that you took small steps on everything, Maddie. I was a bit frustrated when you took a drastic move to seduce him, but I'm still proud that you are slowly trying. Don't rush the process. It will hurt you more. Just take it to step by step. And if you're having a hard time, please know that you have three people who are willing to help you. You have me, Diana, and him. So if you're having a hard time, don't keep it inside, tell us. Talk to us. We will help you. And if you trust him, then, I will try to trust him too."
I hugged him back.
"I'm sorry for yelling too. I didn't mean it, I was just...frustrated because you yelled at me. But I think that's what siblings do, right? And thank you for always being there when I need you, Jade. You are my precious family, and I wish for your happiness too. And I am so lucky that I have you. For the past thirteen years, we've been through. You are my hero, Jade! You are my number one hero, and I understand why you're so worried about me. So I'm sorry for being childish."
He pushed me with a laugh and lay down on the bed.
"I used to be a chubby kid," he said, sudden reminisced. I burst into a laugh. It's true!
"Ah, yes! It still amazed me how cool you looked when you ran to me and saved me." I laughed as I remembered that day. He smiled too before he frowned a bit.
"You know...you need to tell him about the whole thing, right." I stopped laughing and looked at him with a weak smile. I know that...I just don't have enough strength. I don't know where to start.
"I told him about dad," I said, weakly. So weak. He frowned with a faint smile, rubbing my cheek softly, "I don't know how to start talking about the other."
"It's fine, take it slow. If you can't rant it all out, just take a step by step. And that's already amazing, Maddie. Talked about your dad is already hard enough, even I knew how hard to talked about that. But you're doing great. But you need to tell him, if not all of it, just one by one from all of it."
I nodded. I know...I will try.
"Will you tell him?"
"I will, I'm currently mentally prepared for it."
He nodded as he sat up again and patted my head softly.
"I will help you if it's too hard. And if you trust him, then I will trust him too."
I know he would. He always help me, even if I didn't asked him too. He just a natural busy body man. But, I am grateful for that. And I know, I need to tell Ayden about all of this. I know I should to.