I was finally able to change my clothes and it was almost four in the morning. I sat on the bed next to Ayden and immediately hugged me.
"Let's sleep," he said, hugging me tighter. I lied down and hugged him back. I'm pretty sure he is super tired. It's amazing he still has the energy left to argue with Jade just now.
I laughed as I remembered how they bickering with each other because I'm going to sleep in his room. Jade can be overprotective sometimes. I mean all the time. But I can understand why, I wonder how he will act once their baby is born. If it's a girl...yikes. RIP all boys who going to flirt with their daughter and if it's boy, it's still yikes.
"Princess?" I looked up a little as he called me. "It's kinda embarrassing to say this. Let me take a deep breath first." he inhales and laughs nervously. What is it that makes him look all nervous like that?
"Do you want to move in with me?"
Huh? Huh? HUH???
"Why?"
He sat up and nudged my hand to sit up too. And I did, leaning my back on the bedhead.
"You're frowning," he said, putting one finger between my glabella. He smiled and moved closer to me, grabbing my hand and kissing it.
"I've been thinking about this since we're at the hospital. You didn't have a nightmare as much as you do when you're here, don't you think so? And you only got a panic attack when I touched you more than this. So I was thinking, maybe, if you move in here, we can slowly chase away the bad dream. And about your panic attack, we can figure it out as long as we're together. And if you're staying here, at least I can protect you even more, or if you're having a panic attack, I can comfort you. And if anything happened…" he closed his eyes before started talking again.
"I can't imagine a life without you, Maddison. And if, if I was late, even one minute late, I don't think I can…" he stops talking again, his voice was shaking. So do his hands. He took another deep breath and look at me, deeply. He flashes out his genuine smile. It's a bit feebles.
"And...I want to stay with you more. I want to wake up and you're next to me, cook breakfast together, and while I'm going to work, you're working at home and when I'm back, we eat dinner together, cuddle, watch movies perhaps, and sleep together. And in the time being, we can try to overcome your fear. And if you are scared of something and having a nightmare, I will be by your side, and make you feel safe. I will be your shield. And it's just my opinion, you can disagree with me, but I think a new environment will help you heal even more." he said with a nice and soft tone.
I look down. I mean he is probably right but isn't this too early. I mean I do stay over sometimes. But to move in here? That would take a lot of work, and aren't that a little bit rushing?
"And as you said, my panic attack will be triggered when we try to do it. Won't it be hard for both of us? I can't even give you pleasure at all. Won't you get tired of it? And won't it make it even hard for both of us? To live here together?" I asked.
"Ah..that? But you already give me enough pleasure right now." he moved our tangle hands side to side and continued, "This, holding hand like this, and cuddling, having a home date, eating with you, sleeping with you like this and woke next to you, coming back home and you greeted me in front of the door, maybe we will going out and have an outdoor date, loving you and you loving me, that's all pleasures that you give to me and I will give it back to you. Love is not about sex, it's about how we give and take, sweetheart. And like I said, I will help you overcome your fear. We will! I don't even know what happened, or your fear but soon later, you will eventually tell me about it, and I will tell you about me. Love is about learning, learning to know each other. And love is about growth. Eventually, we will grow fond of each other and day by day, our love will become stronger. And I love you so much baby, enough for me to just standing next to you every day."
"And sweetheart, princess, darling...if that's what makes you insecure, then don't be. I told you before even though you probably forget about it, but I'm very persistent. And that occurred to me too. I'm not only being persistent toward someone I love or something I want but toward myself too. I'm hard on myself. So when I love someone, I will make sure I will treasure them and that someone is you. So you don't need to be insecure."
"But what if you get tired of me?" I looked at him to see his sincerity. He looked so genuine right now, as his eyes sparkled when he talked just now.
"Me tired of you? Baby, when a man falls in love with someone, he will never let it go. If he did, that wasn't loved, but just an attraction and lust. And I will reassure you, I love you so bad that I can't live without you. And it's not about me, I just think that, if you moving in, it will be easier, you will have a new environment, and I will be here for your twenty-four seven." he said, slowly hugging my shoulder and rubbing it slowly.
"Do you trust me?" he half-whispered.
"You mean you're going to be my bodyguard or something, eyeing me all the time in case I hurt myself again? That's what you meant? Because you scare that you might be a minute late and I will end myself again."
"Now...would you live with me, princess?"
I closed my eyes. I can't think. My head is full with his voice and I think I might have lost it. I finally opened my eyes and nodded.
"Let's do that," I said bashfully. My face burned as I heard him laugh and smile wider. "Don't be mistaken, I just think, maybe you're right! Maybe if I moved in, I would be better, with the new environment, and if anything happened, you will be here. That's all!" I added.
"This will be your next step, and darling you are already almost there," he said proudly. "Of course, it's for your healing process. Not for me!"
I smiled at him, leaned my head on his shoulder. This feels so nice. And suddenly remembered something. Something nice.
"I had a dream before I woke up, and it's the most beautiful dream I ever had," I said and closed my eyes. It's still vivid and feels so warm inside.
"What dream? Can you tell me?" he asked, wrapped me in his arms.
"In that dream, it was sunset, at the sunflower field. I wore a cream summer dress, with a hat on top of my head, and you were there too, wearing the same colour shirt and white pants. You were standing in front of me, a bit further but not far. And you were taking a photograph of scenery. Jade and Diana were there too. They have two children, one boy and one girl. They played tag, they laughed cheerfully, and you took a photo of them too. It's so warm, I don't want to wake up." I said and smiled bashfully. "And surprisingly, Diana's pregnant now."
He hugged me tighter and kissed my cheek.
"That sounds so beautiful. Let's make your dream come true," he said. "Let's go have a date to a sunflower field later when you're feeling better. And you can invite your brother and Diana too."
Ah, now that he mentioned that. I quickly sat straight and looked at him. I cupped his face and touched his bruises, making him flinch a little. I frowned.
"Jade does, was it?"
He smiled, "No…"
"I saw his hand, his knuckles scratched. Did he say something mean? He did, was he?"
Ayden smiled and let out a soft chuckle. He rubbed both of my arms slowly.
"He did actually, but it's because he worried about you and he trusted me, as a man, who you trust, would not hurt you or put you in danger. So when I called him, he thought that maybe I did something to you, hurt you, therefore you…" he paused and looked down at my neck, sending me a pang of huge guilt for that. So he was punched because Jade thought that he was the cause?
"But it wasn't your fault," I said, as my eyes started to watery.
"No, actually it is my fault. If I stayed with you all day, you probably won't have had that terrible dream. I should stay with you. And he is reasonable. He is your one and only family and so does him. You're his sister, right? He was worried about you. And you are wonderful, you throw your knife before you could cut deeper, right?" he smiled, tucked my hair behind my ear, is this his habit?
I slowly nodded, admitting that I can't do it since I saw their faces before I could go even further.
"That's amazing, baby. You're amazing for fighting against yourself. You're doing great." he rubbed both of my cheeks as he said that.
"I'm sorry…" I said again, rubbing my teary eyes. I should stop crying at this point. I shouldn't make him worried.
He stared at me with a smile, faint, but genuine. He stroked my head softly.
"Maddison. I know you are still keeping something from me and I know, when you talk about what happened in the past, it is just the beginning of it. I know you still kept something from me, and I didn't want to force you to talk about it. But, may I ask, whenever you're ready, can you tell me about it. Everything. Can you promise, when you are ready to talk about it, you will talk to me first?"
I looked at him, biting my lips. Ah, I make him worry again. I looked down at my hands and nodded.
"I will," I muttered.
"Thank you, princess. And whatever happened in the past, will I will reassure you that the future will be better and brighter."
"Like your Rainbow After Tomorrow?" I asked him and he frowned. He looked so confused. Which made me laugh. "Like one of your photographs? Rainbow After Tomorrow? The one you took in Milan?"
He finally understood and laughed, nodding at the small fact I uttered.
"You have good memories, you only saw that briefly. Ah, now that I remembered, I forgot to give you a copy."
Yes, I have good memories, if I don't I won't be suffering from all of these memories, sweetheart.
I smiled.
"Should I sing you a lullaby?" he said all of sudden. "It's almost five already," he said, deep down I know he is tired. But I'm scared. What if...when I close my eyes, I dream that horrendous dream again or what if when I wake up...
And find out that this is a dream?
What if this is just imagination?
What if…?
I closed my eyes, trying to distort this feeling.
"Should we watch the sunrise?" I asked him with a smile. "We can sleep afterwards."
He let out a chuckle and nodded. He hurriedly pushed me down and rolled me over with a blanket, as if I was sushi, and jumped off the bed.
"Um, can you open the door, princess?" I laughed at him, oh god! I'm struggling to take out my hands and finally did it. I quickly opened the door and he took a small run to the balcony. And once again, I opened the balcony door and we finally reached our destination.
He sat on the egg chair while I was on top of him.
"Won't you get a cold?" I asked him and he looked at me. He quickly stood up and put me down first and he uncovered me, and snuck inside the blanket and covered both of us.
"Is this better?" he asked and I nodded, laughing at his cuteness.
I nodded. This is much better. I feel warm. I feel safe. And I love both of these feelings.