KAIVEN'S POV
"It was your fault..."
"You killed us..."
A voice kept echoing on my mind. I can't breathe because of too much soffucation. All I can see is darkness under this water, there's no light, there's no air to breathe.
Sinubukan kong lumangoy pero hindi ko maigalawa ang katawan ko, tila may humuhila sa mga paa ko.
"You can't escape from us..." I heard another voice. I covered my ears with my two hands.
Why!? Why is this happening to me!? Wala ako'ng kasalanan!
Please... Stop...
"Kaiven! Wake up!" Agad akong napabangon sa hinihigaan ko. Tumingin ako sa paligid, sobrang bigat nang paghinga ko.
I came back to my senses when someone tapped my shoulder. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang makita ang nag-aalalang mukha ni Dexter.
"W-what happened?" I said while holding my head.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng mga pawis sa katawan at mukha ko, pati na rin ang sakit ng ulo ko.
"You passed out."
I breathed at muling bumalik sa pagkakahiga, pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at inilagay ang isang braso sa noo.
It happened again...
"Tell me Kaiven, nangyayare nanaman ba sa'yo? Kanina la'ng nananaginip ka para kang hindi makahinga and you kept asking for help."
I can't answer his questions. Masyado pang magulo ang utak ko at isa pa, ayo'kong dumagdag pa sa aalalahanin ng ibang tao. I can handle myself.
Kaya ko nga ba?
"You're not answering again. Hindi ko na alam kung paano kita matutulungan." I heard him sighed.
Thank you for your concern Dexter, but I don't want you to worry about me. I don't want anyone to worry about me.
Nanatitili akong nakapikit "What about the kid? Is he okay?"
"Yes, pinulikat daw. Hindi na rin tinuloy 'yung competition because of the incident and because you passed out. Mabuti na lang at nakita ka no'ng magandang babae." Napadilat ako dahil sa sinabi niya at kunot noong tumingin sa kaniya.
"A girl?" nagtatakang tanong ko.
He nodded and looked at me, a smirked drew on his lips.
"You really don't remember, huh? Well, the guard said that you just passed out at the top of that girl. Grabe, mahihimatay ka na nga la'ng nananantsing ka pa. HAHAHA."
I paused and tried to remember what really happened to me at that competion.
Well... I just go out to the venue, sit to the bench outside and... a girl approach me and... WHAT THE FUCK!?
Napabangon ako ulit at napahawak sa noo ko nang maalala ang lahat. Gusto kong sapakin ang sarili ko dahil sa inis at kahihiyan. Did I really passed out at the top of that woman!? Damn, Kaiven. Nakakahiya ka!
I heard Dexter laughed so I gave him a you're-going-to-die look.
Napalingon kaming dalawa sa pinto nang bigla itong bumukas.
Dali-dali akong tumayo at bahagyang yumuko sa taong kakapasok la'ng, ganoon din ang ginawa ni Dexter.
"Go back to your bed Kaiven." He said seriously so I go back to my bed.
"Lalabas po muna ako, Sir, Kaiven." Dexter said. Tumango lamang ako.
Nang makalabas na si Dexter ay lumapit na sa akin si Mr. Perill, my dad. Umupo ito sa tabi ko at walang emosyong tumingin sa akin.
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, Dad. You don't need to worry."
I heard him sighed "How can I not worry? You're my son Kaiven. After your mom passed away, you always keep your problems to yourself." I can sense the concern and sadness on his voice. I avoided him and looked away.
"Is it happening again, right?"
"What it is?" I acted like I don't know.
"Stop the acting Kaiven. I know that it is happening again, your trauma."
This time, I looked at him. Pinilit kong ngumiti.
"No dad, I'm really fine. I just passed out because I'm tired. There's nothing to worry."
He looked at me like he doesn't believe what I said. "Manang Teri said that this pass few days, you always have a bad dream. You always drink at night and passed out."
So that's why he send Manang Teri to my house, to report my actions to him.
Huminga ako nang malalim at humiga, pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at pinatong ang isang braso sa noo.
"I said I'm okay. I'm just tired this past few days."
"Don't keep avoiding it, Kaiven. Try to face your problem and seek for help. You're not alone, son." Naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa kamay ko at tumayo na.
"Your doctor said that you need to see a psychologist, magpapahanap ako ng magaling na psychologist for you."
Napadilat ako at gulat na tumingin sa kaniya. "No, Dad! I already said I'm okay. Besides, I don't have time for that, marami pa akong gagawing trabaho sa kompanya."
"You're going to see a psychologist." madiin nitong utos at umalis na.
I throw away my pillow because of frustration. Damn! Psychologist? I don't need that! I don't need someone to help me! Fuck!
Narinig ko ang pagbukas at pagsara ng pinto. "I said I don't need a psychologist Dad!" I shouted and looked at the door.
"Okay, calm down. I'm Dexter, umalis na si Mr. Perill." Huminga ako nang malalim para pigilan ang inis na nararamdaman.
"So, I think that's the reason why Mr. Perill went here. By the way, the Doctor said that you can go home na."
I immediately get out of the bed and looked for my things, I have to go back to work.
"Wait, don't tell me you're going to work?"
"Yes, I still have things to do. We have an appointment with the investor know, right?" Tanong ko kay Dexter habang inaayos ang kwelyo nang suot kong checkered.
"Yeah. But, Mr. Perill ordered me to cancel all the appointments."
Kunot noo akong tumingin sa kaniya.
"What? That investor is very important to our company. Why did he do that!?" He just shrugged.
I sighed "I'm going to see my dad." I walked towards the door and stopped when I remembered something.
"Where's my car?"
"Naiwan sa sport center."
"Give me your key." Madiin kong utos. Biglang nanlaki ang mata nito at agad na lumayo sa akin.
"No. You can't take my car, Kaiven. May date ako ngayon."
Tumingin ako sa kaniya ng masama. "Give me your key or you won't see my sister again." This time, I smirked because I can see the frustration on his eyes.
"You can't do this to your bestfriend Kaiven. I'm begging you."
"Yes, I can Dexter. In 10 second if you don't give me your key, I'm going to call Veronica and tell her to break up with you."
He pretended to be calm and shrugged. "Well, Veronica won't do that. She loves me."
Ngumisi ako "Really? I will tell her that you poop to your pants when we we-"
"Fine! Fine! You devil coffee! Catch!" I laughed and catched the key that he thrown to me. Tumalikod na ako at binuksan ang pinto. Bago lumabas ay muli akong lumingon sa kaniya, halos matawa ako nang makita ang nanlulumo niyang mukha.
"You can get my car. My key is on the drawer. We can change cars tomorrow. Make sure not to put scratch on it, or else you won't see your car alive." After that I closed the door.
"Fuck you!" I heard him shouted after I closed the door.
"Fuck others, I'm not into men!" I shouted back while laughing.
Dumiretso na ako kung saan naka-park ang sasakyan ni Dexter.
When I was inside his car, I get my phone first and texted Dexter to pay my bills and used my credit card. He just said okay with an emoji of middle finger, I laughed.
Pinaandar ko na ang sasakyan. I'm going to our house. Sigurado akong nandoon si Dad. I need to persuade him that I don't need a psychologist. I don't need the help of anybody.
Nang makarating ako sa mansyon, sinalubong ako ng mga katulong at yumuko. Sinalubong din ako ni Manang Tess, niyakap ko ito. She is like a second mother to me.
"Bakit ka naparito iho?"
"Where's dad?"
"Nasa k'warto niya."
"Thank you, manang."
Dali-dali akong umakyat at nagtungo sa k'warto ni Dad. I saw the door slightly open kaya sumilip ako.
Napahinto ako nang makita si Dad na naka-upo sa kama habang yakap-yakap ang picture ni mom. I sighed and tried to stop myself from crying.
I knocked twice and entered. He is now looking at me. He put down the picture and stood up.
"What brings you here?" He asked with his emotionless face.
"It looks like you are missing mom, again."
Bumuntong hininga siya at mapait na ngumiti "I always miss your mom, Dexter. Always." I also smiled bitterly.
"Me too..."
"Let's talk at my office." He said and walked away. Sumunod ako sa kaniya.
Nang makarating ako sa opisina niya, naka-upo na ito sa kaniyang upuan at seryosong tumingin sa akin na tila naghihintay sa sasabihin ko.
"Dad... why did you cancel the meeting?"
"Why? Do you think you can still go to that meeting after you passed out? You need to rest."
"But that meeting is impo-"
"The deal is already closed. My personnel took care of it." He said in a calm voice.
I sighed. Here he is again, meddling with my business. Mariin akong pumikit para pakalmahin ang sarili.
"Another reason why I came here is to tell you that I don't need a psychologist." Ako naman ang seryosong tumingin sa kaniya.
"I already found a psychologist for you. Siya ang pinakamagaling na psychologist sa bansa at sigurado akong matutulungan ka niya." Saad niya nang hindi tumitingin sa akin.
Hindi niya ba narinig ang sinabi ko? O wala la'ng talaga siyang pake-alam?
"Dad! I told you I don't need it! Ilang beses ko pa ba sasabihin sa'yo!?" My voice raised that's why he looked at me with anger on his eyes.
"Shut up, Kaiven! I don't care of how many times you're going to tell me that you're okay! Because I know after that incident that you are not! You are my son and I'm your father so you're going to follow me!" galit na sigaw nito. Isang malakas na palo rin ang ginawa niya sa lamesa dahilan para mahulog ang ibang papers.
Huminga ako nang malalim at pinagsiklop ang kamao ko, I need to calm down first.
Ilang saglit pa ay muli na akong tumingin sa kaniya gamit walang emosyon kong mukha.
"You can hire a psychologist for me but you can't pushed me to participate with that fucking psychologist. I'm sorry." Umalis na ako, hindi ko na hinintay pa ang sasabihin niya.
Dirediretso akong naglakad palabas nang bahay. Ni hindi man la'ng ako nakapagpaalam kay Manang Tess. Nakasalubong ko rin si Veronica pero hindi ko ito pinansin dahil sa inis. Pumasok na ako sa kotse at malakas kong pinalo ang manibela.
"Fuck!"
Pinatong ko ang noo ko sa manibela. I closed my eyes trying to stop myself from crying, but I failed. I just found myself crying and seeking for my mom's hug and comfort.
Mom... If you are here... I know you will be disappointed to me.
I'm sorry...