I Lay on my bed gazing at the ceiling, thinking of the person whom I could see everywhere. Love was something which I thought I would never get in my life but now, I understood what love was. It was because of him, Alex.
I can't say that I have never experienced what love is. I have, but that love is due to some bond. The love which I am experiencing now, I have never experienced before. It is different, it starts from heart and it just expands. I just want to stay with him and experience it.
I didn't want him to express his love by words but by his glances. I never wanted to hold anyone in my life particularly. People come and go in life and I have never felt so strongly. Their roles in my life have always been chapters but when it came to him I didn't want him to be a chapter. I wanted him in each and every page. I want him to be the entire book.
When I was with him I always had a fear, fear of losing him. I wanted to hold on to him. I had a strange feeling that he was moving away from me. I knew that it was not true. I knew he was busy due to exams but I could not accept it. My mind knew the truth but my heart failed to recognise the truth. He spoke with me after every exam got over. He used to recount all everything that had happened but something kept on bugging me and I didn't know what it was.
May be it was because I had not seen him. May be I would feel better if I saw him but how could I see him? I didn't know where his house was. I was also not ready to call him to some other place. I don't want to disturb him. So I decided to search for his house. I remember that he said that his house was painted in green. His house was just a few streets away from mine. I thought I would give it to try.
I took my scooter and drove it slowly around the area. I looked for some symbol indicating that he was busy in that area. Was I doing the right thing? Did a girl go behind a guy like this? Without any shame?
I roamed about that place for nearly an hour searching for him. I knew he would be busy studying but why couldn't I wait until the exam got over. Why was I curious? Why couldn't I take it if I didn't see him? Why did tears always gather in my eyes if I couldn't see him? I parked my scooter under a tree to control my emotions. I convinced myself that I didn't see him because it was my fate.
The sun warmed my surroundings and made my body warm but not my heart. I felt cold because of the separation. At first he never talked with me and he was distanced from me yet I felt that he was close to me. I was able to feel some kind of connection then. Now he spoke with me every day but still I felt that he was far away from me. I felt that the connection between us was tenuous.
I felt that he was somewhere near me. I blinked away the tears that formed in my eyes. I had an urge to turn. I felt that someone was staring at me. It was not someone, it was my Alex. Was it really my Alex or was it an illusion .When he stared at me I had a strange feeling even though he did it without his knowledge.
I did not know why I felt strange when he looked at me. May be it was because I liked him a lot or was it because I was aware of him or was it because there really was a connection between us. I just shook my head to move away from my thoughts.
I saw him standing opposite the place where my scooter had been parked. I giggled and thought that I would never come out of my illusion. Why do I always feel that he was present even though he was not?
"Thesika," I heard a voice calling me.
Did this voice belong to Alex? Was it him who was really calling? I just turned my head to see to whom the voice belonged. It was Alex. I saw him standing in front of the gate. My heartbeat rose. The happiness that filled my heart was reflected in my face.
"Alex," I said still not able to believe my eyes.
"What are you doing?" he asked me.
Should I tell the truth? I asked myself
"Thesika," he said again.
"Nothing Alex, just got lost" I said.
"Do you want me to come and drop you?" he asked me.
"No Alex, I don't want to disturb you I will just find my way out," I replied.
"Not at all, Thesika. How long are you going to roam around? I will tell you the way out at least," he said.
"Alex," Someone else called him from his house.
"Coming Bro" he replied, raising his voice.
"Who is it?" I asked him.
"My cousin, Thesika, he has come from our hometown to visit me," he replied.
"Oh" was all I was able to reply.
"Do you want to come in?" He asked me.
I longed to go in but I didn't want to do it. I had no idea how his family members would react to it. I slightly freaked out. I had not even dressed properly.
"No Alex you carry on. Your brother might misunderstand things and no one else is present in your home now," I said.
"He won't say anything, come," he said and opened his house gate and waited for me to go in with him. I was not able to say no. Actually, I didn't want to say too.
His house was beautiful. Paintings were hung all around the hall.
"Do you paint?" I asked him curiously.
"Not much, Thesika. The sunrise painting was done by me," he said pointing to the small painting. It was beautiful, the colours. The way the sun rays fell on the sea. He has painted it in such a way that I felt that I was standing in front of a real sun rise.
"It's beautiful," I said.
"Alex" his brother called him.
I turned to look at his brother. He was not like Alex. He looked different, totally different.
"Nazeeb, this is my friend Thesika" he said.
"Hi," he replied.
"Hello," I greeted him.
I was able to feel sudden tension in the surroundings. I felt that I had made a mistake by coming inside his home. Alex looked uncomfortable. His brother whispered something in his ear and left the place. I felt that it was not good to stay in his home anymore. Alex looked troubled and the only way to help him out of it is to get out from his house.
"Ok Alex, I am leaving, Mom would be searching for me," I said to.
"Ok," he said. He didn't even try to stop me. I knew something was not right.
"Sorry Alex," I said and moved away.
I felt guilt; I should not have done it. I made a mistake. I brought him trouble. What his cousin would have said. I know he does not like me. I could see that in the way he looked at me. What words were exchanged? Alex's face changed completely. I asked myself. I left his home immediately feeling very hurt.
"I am sorry Alex" I typed and sent the text.
There was no reply. I should not have gone there. It was my fault, because of my desire; he has to face the problem. I disturbed him a lot that too during the examination time.
I wanted to call him and apologise for my mistake but I was afraid to do it. I convinced myself saying that he himself would reply to me after seeing my text. I waited. It was nearly an hour but he had not replied yet.
"Are you there?" I questioned him again.
Still there was no reply from his side. My guilt engulfed me alive. I was not able to take it any longer. I called him but he did not answer the call. I called him again but there was no reply. Finally, he answered my fourth call.
"Hello Alex. I am really sorry. I didn't want to do it but I am really, really sorry, Alex. I didn't mean that to happen. What did your brother say? Is he angry?" He seemed disappointed. Did he scold you after I left? You looked uncomfortable too. I am sorry, Alex I should not have come to your home... I just came there because I missed you, because I wanted to see you. I am really sorry Alex, my neediness is the reason for everything" I started to cry, unable to control myself. I could not take it.
"Thesika, relax, I am driving. I will call you once I reach home," he said.
"I am sorry. I have told you not to attend the call while you are driving. Then why did you attend the call?" I asked him.
"If you keep on calling me, then how can I ignore it?" he asked me in return.
"I am sorry call or text me when you reach home" I said and hung up the phone.
I felt better after talking with him. I don't know what he would have thought after hearing my words but speaking with him made my heart to feel lighter. I smiled at the sudden disappearance of my misery. Hearing his voice made me feel better. I was happy, satisfied. I drifted to sleep without my knowledge. Alex had become the reason for my existence.