Two weeks had passed, and still I was not able to get rid of my guilt. I still could not accept that his accident was due to his carelessness. If I had not called him repeatedly then he would not have met with that accident.
He has not talked properly with me since then. I felt that he was keeping his distance from me. Had I crossed a boundary by going to his house? He spoke to me but not as much as before. Was this s the result of expressing my feelings for him? Did that make him uncomfortable?
He told me that he wanted to talk to me face to face about something. What could that be? Was he going to suggest that we end our friendship? If he does say that what will I do? I can't even bear the thought of it.
According to me what I shared with him was something entirely different from friendship. I love him. Today, I am going to school. Will I meet him there? It's neither special class nor a regular class session. Teachers called some students to help them with the students' records. I wonder why they called me. I am not a favourite student for any teacher.
Alex will be getting his results in 3 to 4 weeks. I am quite sure that he won't be here for his higher studies. I was restless. Nothing had happened, there is still time for everything but I had a fear. I feared that he may leave me. Whatever might happen I will not lose him, I said to myself.
I went to school. My heart felt constricted. I wanted to cry but why??? There was no reason to cry but I felt that something bad had happened. I didn't know what I was doing. I was moving in a haze. It was not me.
I entered the school. Am I dreaming again? I could see him standing in my parking place with his bike. I really lost my mind. He smiled at me. Was this my imagination? I shook my head and looked at the place again. The image didn't go away. Oh!! My god, it's him. My lips stretched a little seeing him.
"Hi Alex," I greeted him "What are you doing here?" I asked him confused.
"I was feeling bored, so came here to help with the students' records" he said.
"Hey!!! I came here for the same thing," I replied.
"Thesika I never thought that I would see you here," he said, a little bit surprised.
"Me too, Alex, You said that you want to talk to me right, what is it?" I asked him.
"Oh!!! That" he replied, dragging.
"Yup, what happened and what did your brother say? He looked angry and you did not tell me anything about it" I urged him.
"It's nothing, Thesika. Don't worry about my brother," he replied.
"Please Alex don't hide anything just tell me," I said, starting to panic.
"Hey!!! Thesika, really nothing happened. He just teased me since girls were coming home. Nothing else. You just don't confuse yourself thinking about something unnecessarily," he said. I was convinced that he was hiding something but I didn't t want to push him further.
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked him.
"Thesika," he said, looking into my eyes. Why did he do that? I can't think straight if he does that. He does it without his knowledge but it is hard for me. It's really making me crazy.
"I think I am in love, Thesika but I don't know whether it is really love," he said.
My heartbeat raced, blood rushed to my cheeks. I had a tingling sensation in my whole body. I folded my palms tightly till my fingers hurt. Was he talking about me? The question arose in my mind. With all my heart I wanted it to be me but I wanted to hear it from him. I waited.
"Who is the girl?" I asked him. I just didn't want to build up my hopes on him.
"She is cute, beautiful and she looks even more beautiful when she is confused or angry and my heart beats faster every time I look at her. When she smiles me heart flips over. I just cannot breathe when I look at her. She is really driving me crazy, Thesika." When he said those words his eyes glowed with happiness. He was really in love.
"Who is she?" I asked him looking at the ground.
"It's Sanjana, a girl near my house; she is really driving me crazy. I just wanted you to know about it," he said.
I felt as though he had stabbed my heart with a knife. Tears started to gather in my eyes. I was fighting it as much as I could. I didn't want him to know that I was and I am in love with him. I decided to bury it deep in my heart.
"Do you love her?" I asked him, hiding my emotion as much as I could.
"I don't know, Thesika. That's why I am sharing my thoughts with you," he said, still with a smile.
"How do you feel when she looks at you or when she talks to you?" I asked him.
"Like I am the only man in the world," he said.
I had lost him. I should have never made the deal of not talking to him for a week. I lost him. He is not my Alex anymore. My heart begged me not to cry in front of him.
"Do you love me?" he asked me making me break my thoughts. I looked at him confused.
"What?" I asked him.
"I asked whether you are in love with me?" he said again. I heard that question first time itself but why he is asking it of me. He had already said that he was in love with Sanjana, then why did he want to know whether I was in love with him.
"Why do you ask this to me?" I asked him.
"No…. I just," he dragged.
What does he think? That I am a kind of choice to him? That he can go to her if I say no or is it other way around. My blood boiled. I was furious. I started to yell at him to hide my pain and confusion.
"What do you think Alex? I never expected this from you. I trusted you but you made me realise trusting you was wrong. Everyone is just the same. What the hell gave you that idea?" I yelled at him.
"Thesika, I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. You always speak affectionately to me and you always care for me, your words are always full of encouragement and full of love. I am sorry, Thesika," he said.
"If that is the reason then you will never hear those words of affection from me again and don't come in front of me ever again," I replied and accelerated my bike.
What did he think about himself, that he was a god? If he had admitted that he still loved that girl, it would have been bearable. It would have hurt me terribly but still I would have accepted it. I would never go near him. But to know that I was just a whim. That he treated me like just another option. That hurt me more than anything else. How he could do that to me.
I loved him and I still love him even if he did not love me. I would have been able to accept it and I would have able to stay happy. Just talking to him and spending a little time with him would have kept me happy. I knew it would hurt me a great deal seeing him with another girl but I could not accept him treating me like an option. Did I mean nothing to him other than a whim or fancy? I did not want to cry over a man who treated me so badly, but I could not stop crying.
I knew I shouldn't cry but I could not stop crying. I loved him too much. I didn't know what I should do. I could not think clearly. I want to move away from him and give him the life he wanted but I wasn't not strong enough to let go of him. I had to let go of him at some point. I knew he could never be mine and I couldn't stop him from going to someone he loved because I loved him.
The mere thought of it made me numb with pain. But I wanted to let go before my desolation shattered me completely. I reached home and threw my bag and cried. I shouldn't cry. "Thesika, don't cry," I told myself but I wasn't strong enough to stop the crying. I had even forgotten to take my phone when I went to see him. He had called me and messaged me more than 20 times but I didn't know what to do? Should I reply? Should I start to ignore him? I didn't know. I knew I couldn't stop myself if I saw his name on the display, even now I couldn't stop myself. My phone vibrated and it showed his name on the display. "I am sorry, Thesika" he had texted "I did not mean to hurt you .I am sorry. I want to talk with you, please answer my call. . Seeing this, my heart constricted. I wanted to talk with him. I wanted to be with him all the time but could not allow myself to do it. "I am busy," was all that I replied. I did not know what else to say. I was not ready to ignore him and neither was I ready to speak with such fondness. I was not ready to hate him or throw him away from my life. I still loved him no matter how he saw me. I couldn't stop loving him. For the next two days, he neither texted me nor called me. On the third day, he called me.