"Thesika," he said
"Hmm" was all I could say. I was afraid if spoke to him that I would start to cry.
"I want to hear your voice, Thesika, I miss you," he said.
"I have to study Alex. I will call you later," I said to him and hung up before he could reply. I did not call him back or text him.
I was not strong enough to ignore him. Every time I was cold with him. Every time I hurt him the only thing I said to myself was that I loved him and was sorry for everything. I thought of confessing to him many times but I was not sure what his reply would be. I was very confused.
I had no idea what he would say. I did not know what he thought of me. Would he say that he was in love with her or would he say that he did not love me? What was the answer going to be...? How could I take it if he ignored me or stop talking to me. I wouldn't be able to bear it.
My thoughts were muddled. I had no idea of what I was doing or what I should do. I was overwhelmed by emotions to do the right thing. I was immature. Every time I spoke with him, I was overcome with anger as I couldn't stand being treated like an option. My tone was cold when I spoke with him and I hurt him worse. I regretted punishing him. I didn't want to be in the place where every little thing reminded me of him. I wanted to run away or go far away. I took my scooter and ran away from my home. I wandered aimlessly for more than an hour. I did not know what I was doing. I was staring blankly with only thoughts about Alex endlessly running through my mind.
I stood below a tree like a statue. Then I saw him. I saw the very person from whom I intended to run away. He stood on the other side of the road. He was looking at me. But I did not want to see him. One moment was enough to break down. I would cry. I did not want him to think of me as a weak girl. I already had no idea what he thought of me. I didn't want to worsen my image by crying in front of him. I ran away.
I was in my room hugging the pillow tight to my heart. My heart was empty and drained. I didn't know what I was doing. The tears that gathered in my eyes blinded me. Alex was all I could think of. I was going crazy thinking about him. My phone rang. It was him. "Thesika," he said the moment I clicked the green button.
"Thesika, are you all right?" he asked me.
How could I tell him that I was not all right and he was the reason for that? "Why do you care, Alex," I asked him, hoping that he would say something that would lighten my heart, like he had the right to care for me or worry about me .That he could not stop worrying. But I knew I would never get the answer I wanted.
"Can't you just answer my question instead questioning me again?" he said.
No I am not alright. Are you happy to hear the answer? I am not alright. I don't know whether you would understand my feelings. "What do know about me Alex"? "You know nothing, then why do you want to know about me now?" I yelled at him.
"Yes you are right. I cannot make you share things that you don't want to say. " he said and hung up... I cried again. Till now I was so harsh on him that he started to ignore me. He gave me just what I wanted .The reason to break away from him. I wanted to move away from him and he moved away from me. But it took so long for me to realise that it was not what I wanted. I knew I hurt him a lot but now I decided to know what was really happening between us and I wanted to know where I really stood in his heart.
I had pushed him away a lot, now he was pushing me away. That hurt me. I should have left things as they were. I should not have pushed him. I just wanted him to say that he liked me but I never got those words from him. The fact that he liked someone else made me treat him harshly. Just once if he had said that he liked me, everything would have ended. I loved him so much. Why could he not understand it? The more I tried to pull him to me the more he moved away from me. The more he pushed me away.
My entire world revolved around him the fact that he did not give importance to me pained me immensely. I went to pieces. I wanted more from him. My insatiable desire to spend time with him was like a smoke screen. I was not able to see what was really happening in front of me. I just wanted to hold him safe and secure like water in the palm but my possessiveness made me to close my palms. I thought I was securing him and keeping him safe but I did not realise that the pressure I put to keep him close to me made him to break and run away from me. Alex - the memories of him made me cry. Had I given him his space I would not have lost him? He would have still been with me, speaking with me.