For those who also use Royal Road, I will be posting this story there as well.
webnovel name - comedyatitsfinest
Royal Road name - Draggd
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So, where do I begin. You always read stories and manga about how the MC always has a witty or stupid intro line when they introduce themselves to the readers. It's always "Hi! My name is so-so, and I want you to watch me as I get my ass kicked before I become the most OP douchebag to have ever existed!".
So why is it so bloody hard to make an introduction for oneself? I honestly don't know. But I can tell you that I am far from being an OP cunt bag. But I do get my nerdy and geeking out ass beat on a daily basis.
SO WHERE IS MY FUCKING OP POWER!?
All I have is this useless (and I really mean useless) power to detect absolutely nothing but the hot air you fart out. At least that is what I can tell anyways. The so-called power that I have is called morph.
And yes. I also thought that meant I can morph into a beast-kin, some badass, or even a power ranger (don't judge me mortal peon). I even went to the doctor to see why I could not "morph" into anything.
I took all the $30k tests (all 7 of them) and waited like a good little ameba test subject that I was to them. And after waiting for several hours, this broke ass, girlfriend-less 23-year-old 5'9" tall white boy was told the reason why.
And I say this with tears streaming down my face because I was just told the stupidest, moronic, and horrifying reason why.
My love of pepperoni pizza with extra pep and cheese, cheeseburgers with onion rings in the burger, mountain dew, and my testosterone levels being lower than normal, has stopped my morphing powers from activating (I swear I am going to crawl into a corner and cry if you laugh you dumb jocks!).
Why testosterone is a key factor is beyond me. Just because I rub one out every night before I go to bed (don't have a girlfriend remember), doesn't mean that my spunk level is low. They are just trolling me.
I think.
I hope.
This is where I normally would beat my head against the wall since I don't know if I will like the outcome. And don't get me started on the repair bills. I had to replace so many walls I know the price by heart. Tax and everything.
But back to my "diet" as the spunk covered overall wearing doctors yapped about.
So what if I am so lazy, getting up to walk 4 feet to the bathroom seems like a major workout to me. I debated on whether I should just take the walls down and sit on the toilet so I can play my favorite final fantasy game.
But meh.
I mean, I only weigh 183lbs. No matter what I eat to try and gain some type of fat (including my flat ass that I swear I am slipping off chairs). I can literally eat about 5 extra-large New York style pizzas and not gain a single pound. All the girls I tried talking to became so jealous of that, that I could not get a single date to last more than 2 hours.
Talk about those girls being lame. I mean, what's a few extra pounds?
I could never understand the whole "But I'll get fat!" thing they whine about. Meh. More game time, I guess.
So, what I want to know is what this blue oval shaped pill is. It even has V.5 on one side and a funky looking symbol on the other.
I thought about throwing them away, but money is money.
Once I showed some dude the pills, he gave me about 500 grand for 25 out of the 500 that I had. All I could do was look at the money as I handed him the pills. Before he walked (tripped as he ran off screaming "heaven, here I come") and left me there with more money than I could have ever thought possible.
So of course, I paid my mortgage, electricity bill, internet (the most important of them all), and my water bill (why do I need to pay for this when I drink Mountain Dew?). Then I put the rest in my account for any new DLC and keeping my game time up and running.
That is until I get home with only 10 of the blue pills and an account that is nearly 5 mil, and my mother sees what I have. Let's just say I kept my mouth shut when she asked about how many I got from the doctors and that I am to take them once a day to help me be able to get my ability up and running.
The scowl she gave my father (before she beat him with a frying pan accusing him of not raising me right. At least that is what she normally does) and swiftly turns and stalk off murmuring something about needing to get laid.
And I think now would be a good time to say that my mother somehow got the courts to side with her concerning her living with me even though I proved that she is a cocaine addict and I wanted nothing to do with it. But the dumb bitch of a judge decided that it did not matter.
I spent the money I had before to get an appeal from a different judge, and it was approved. Right now I am just waiting for the police to come and take the crack woman away. Too bad my father who is her dealer is going with her (I will drink myself under for the next few years).
Then I will be able to bring the ladies home! Yay!
NOT!
I value my game time!
I worship my game time!
I even have an altar for my beloved game console!
You judge me again and I will cry dammit!
Now, where was I? Oh right! I was just saying that I was going to be sad (happy) that my parents were leaving tomorrow.
So to help me get over it, I played and bragged about it to all my friends (namely the NPCs and bosses) as I kicked the asses of each dungeon I ran.
19 hours later, my mother was crying and trying to use the court order that I had reversed to stay out of prison. My father however, well he was shot several times when he tried to shoot the police with an empty .45 pistol. I have no clue to which type. Didn't really care either.
Now that I was finally alone, I took all their clothes that the police did not take and put them in the fireplace to help cut down on the costs of buying firewood. But all the jewelry went to every jewelry store and pawn shop that I could get to buy them.
It was 2 weeks later and me taking all 10 pills at once that I had to report back to the doctors for a retake on my tests. And boy did I for like shit.
My boner was so hard, I swear it will blow up. Not to mention, my bladder was full and I could now take a piss to save my life.
When I told the doctors, they just stuck me like a pig to empty my bladder. And boy did it fell like bliss.
Now only if I can get my dick to settle down.
This sucks.
Here I am, laying on a table, getting ready for a body scan, and the tip of my dick is only a few inches above my body. I swear I hear the people behind the glass laughing at me because of my size, the bastards.
At least I think they are dudes.
"Please relax sir. The tests will have to be retaken if you are too stressed out" said a woman's voice came over the PA system inside the room I was in.
Now my life is officially over. They all now know my mini dog dick size. Kill me please.
"That is better sir" the same voice said, causing me to think that my wanting to die was a good thing all because they know my size.
How pathetic.
After the torture was over with, I was led to the same room (or at least I think it was) and was told to wait. And I could have sworn she was giving me the pity look all you women give to us men when you see something that deserves your so-called pity.
I say, here's ten bucks to buy yourselves a new dildo.
A few hours later (again), I was told that my ability has somewhat been "awakened". Whatever that means.
Maybe I can grow a bit longer and thicker?
A man has his dreams ladies! No judging us!
"Since you decided to take at the very least 2 pills before coming in today, I will be giving only 350 this time instead of the 500 pills I gave to you last time. I hope you understand sir" the slightly (Godzilla of Godzillas) overweight doctor said.
The only thing I can think of is how the hell did this look like I only took 2 pills when I took 10. I guess I must have said it out loud because the doctor had a horrified look to his face.
"Sir! These Viagra pills are not to be taken lightly! I told you before that taking more than 1 a day is harmful to your body!"
"Is that why it feels like it is going to explode any second now?"
Now I was starting to get worried and why everyone was happy to buy them off me.
Now I really feel bad. Not because I gave some men a chance to get laid again, but because I could have charged them more. GOD DAMMIT!
I guess the face I made, made the doctor think I was freaking out. Because he began to tell me all
the things, I will need to do in order not to lose function in my lower region.
I will not correct him on that. My income will not allow it.
But it was later that night, at the hospital of all places, I was able to morph!
Or it would be a good thing, if I did not wake up to a woman screaming that I had horns.
When I tried to sit up and rolled over and promptly passed out.