The day was unnecessarily long enough to help me get so many negative thoughts. I almost got hit by a truck as the first thing to experience in the morning. The Past two days were no less depressing, it was a loop that I couldn't get over. I felt like my ship was sinking in the middle of the ocean or it was like the ocean swallowing me up, with no help, I always ended up giving up in front of that giant ocean. I couldn't see anything clearly, an anchor had me pulling down, down and down to the end. Without any reason my eyes swelled up with tears when I was at home alone, doing nothing. Work kept me alive, keeping me off those thoughts.
Do you think life is all we see? No, I would say it is what we do not see. Life is far beyond our sight towards which we run, yet the lap never ends. I did not know it back then, I was full yet empty in many ways. I failed to express that gulp under my throat which always kept my sorrow in check. Whenever I swiped through my contacts, right before tapping on the call button, the gulp would feel so trivial and sometimes it fades away as if it never existed. I was so confused whether I was okay or not, I was becoming a stranger. The only thing I wanted to do was to cry and I cried. But crying alone did not help, I once again search through my contacts, the gulp faded and the loop continued.
And before I even realised, "Ashmit!, I was standing on the edge of the rooftop, tattered. I was terror-struck, shivered and perspired heavily. Prakash helped me climbing down, my legs were weak, sitting on the floor, I thanked Prakash. When he wiped my tears and sweat with his kerchief, I couldn't hold it in and cried out loud. Sita was there too, she ran down and had brought me some water. After helping me calm down, they insisted that they would like to accompany me if I did not mind.
We went to the cafe where we first met, "If you wanna talk, we are all ears, Ashmit.", Sita's eyes were concerned. I had no idea, in fact, I never thought that I would dare to do something like that.
"Although I wanna talk, I have no idea what I wanna say…", it was hard even to think, "I... can't seem to process anything right now."
Sita and Prakash exchanged a glance, "You said you live alone, right?", Prakash asked, but I didn't remember telling him that. At that moment I had no time to think about how he knew that, I just answered him, "Yes!"
"Crash at your friend's house tonight… No, it would be good if you avoid being alone for some days.", he also borrowed my phone and added his number to my contacts. He said that I could hit him up any time. I wanted to leave soon before anyone caught me there in that state. So we went to my home, Sita and Prakash waited for me until I washed up and changed clothes. They left only after confirming that I entered Anand's home.
"What a pleasant surprise!", I could only smile at his excitement. "You wouldn't even set a foot even when I beg you, what did I do for you to bless me like this, Ash?"
"I was just bored… Do you mind me crashing at your house for a few days?"
He did think before responding, how should I put it? He froze for a moment and said, "What's there to ask? You wanna live together forever, my love?", he was overacting again.
That night was… Was that less depressing? Did that make any difference? I was not sure. Anand was fast asleep and was even snoring. My thoughts stared at me in the darkness and got noisier. I was scared, scared of getting used to this ball of uneasiness rolling down in my chest. And then my eyes were staring at my wrist, under the weak red night lamp, the wrist was the thing my eyes were staring at. Could I have avoided my thoughts if I was alone at home? Had Anand not put his hands around me, would I have avoided that loop?