October 2014
I took a deep breath for the nth time today as I found myself again, lost in a deep blank thought. Bored na ginala ko ang tingin sa mataong ground ng Argueza-De Miero Academy na napapalibutan ng booths nang iba't ibang college department. It's our Academy's Anniversary and also the end of semester, and as one of ADA's custom, we always held a school festival during the end of every semester.
Gaya ng lahat ay nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil pansamantala akong makakapagpahinga sa mga katakut-takot na surpise quizzes, tambak na research at reports ng mga feeling major na subjects namin, at higit sa lahat ay ang walang tulugan na preparation para sa finals ng major subjects namin. And like them, I should be happy and should be enjoying these twice in a year festival but for some reason, the feeling I have now is the exact opposite of what I am seeing in every corner of the academy.
Why?
Since I entered ADA, I started living in the academy's dorm, that's why every end of semester and school year, I always feel like the end of their miseries, is the beginning of my agonies. This place feels more like home now than the house I once used to live happily with my parents. Dahil ngayon, maliban sa caretaker ay wala na akong madadatnang pamilya dahil matagal ng sira ang pamilyang ipinagmamalaki ko noon. It's been four years since my parents got divorced but the pain, loneliness, hatred and emptiness remained.
I would have understood if they were fighting every single day in their entire marriage but they are not. They had simple fights but not to a point where they end up not talking to each other like any other couple. To be honest, I found their relationship perfect because they are not only a couple but they are also best friends even before they were married. That's why I feel like I am cheated by my own parents.
They broke up without even telling me their reasons. They broke up, just because they want to. They just talked to me one day and told me they're getting a divorce and then that's it! They go on with each other's lives left me with unanswered questions and I don't have any idea how they managed to do that behind my back without me noticing. And me? I have me, myself and I.
I took a deep breath and block the pain that about to infiltrate my system. My friends once told me that I am still lucky that they separated without ending up hating each other and I can still do something about their divorce. Kaya nga kahit na alam kong niloloko ko na lang ang sarili ko, ay patuloy pa din akong umaasa noon na magkakaayos pa sila. Not until Dad, met again with his first love when I was on my last year in high school. That's when things changed.
When I graduated from High school, mom finally accepted the work abroad offered to her and dad decided to live with his first love and her son. They both asked me to come and live with either of them but I chose to live alone. And when I discover ADA, I chose to enroll here because it has a dorm and even though it is in a rural area, for some reasons, I feel at peace here. They keep on calling me but I rarely answer their calls. Umuuwi pa din naman si Mom at madalas pa din naman kaming magkita ni Dad pero hindi ko kayang lokohin ang sarili ko na masaya ako sa tuwing nakikita ko silang masaya na sa pinili nilang desisyon. Because until now, I'm still stuck to those days when I still have a family to call, that I still have someone. Kaya hanggang ngayon ay malamig pa din ang nagiging pakikitungo ko sa kanila lalo na kay dad. I still haven't met his new family kahit na ilang taon na ang nakakalipas.
"For someone who's going to entertain the crowd later, you look a little sad." I automatically wear my mask when I heard that deep voice and looked up.
And before me is a man with a pair of almond eyes that has bags underneath because of the countless sleepless nights he had for the preparation of the festival. Every man and woman would surely envy his aquiline nose and those thin pale lips that is perfect to his chiseled face. His classic long hair was a little messy but he looks so perfect.
Hindi ko nakuhang magsalita hindi dahil sa presensya nya kundi sa pagtataka, lalo na nang umupo sya sa tabi ko para siguro samahan akong panoorin ang mga taong paroo't parito sa harap namin o kaya naman ay panoorin ang mga nakatokang mag-aayos ng stage na aangkinin nang mga banda ng ADA kasama na ang Elites, - Ang bandang kinabibilangan ko.
I'm not surprised on my inner reaction, - skipping heartbeat, sweaty palm, and unreasonable jittery- since I always have this whenever I'm aware of his presence. Nagsimula akong makaramdam ng pagkailang sa presensya nya nang mapansin ko ang lagi nyang pagtitig sa pwesto namin magkakaibigan tuwing nakakasabay namin sila ng mga barkada nya sa canteen. Mas lalo ko pang napansin ang matiim nyang tingin sa tuwing nakakasalubong ko sya sa dorm dahil ni minsan ay hindi nya iniwas ang tingin sa akin. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung masyado lang akong assuming para isipin na may gusto sya sa akin o sadyang ganun lang ang mga estudyante sa department nila.
We're from a different department, - he's in psychology and I'm in arts - we barely knew each other. The only connection we have is my bassist's twin who happens to be his best friend. And even with those given circumstances, he never did talk to me, - after the first and last time that we had a conversation and that was a year ago where we end up witnessing the current king's heartbreak- and just keep on staring at me whenever he has a chance. That's why I am surprised that he's here, - under the Delonix regia tree - sitting beside me.
Kapansin-pansin ang iba't ibang tingin na ipinupukol sa amin hindi lang ng mga kabanda kong nasa di kalayuan, kundi maging ng ilang estudyanteng hindi na itinago ang pagkagusto sa kanya. For sure they were thinking why would the next king of ADA, Vaughn Carlo Alcantara III choose to sit with me? And why this so-called crown prince of ADA is looking at me with an expression that I can't give a name?
"Are you okay?" Tanong nya na tuluyang nagpabalik sakin sa kamalayan. His penetrating eyes affixed on mine.
Ito ang unang pagkakataon sa loob ng apat na taon na pinili kong magtago sa ilalim ng mapagkunwaring maskarang ito na may nagtanong sakin ng mga salitang iyon. Wala sa mga magulang, kamag-anak o maging mga kaibigan ko ang nagtanong sa akin ng tatlong salitang iyon. At mas lalong hindi ko inaasahan na sa kanya, na isang estranghero ko pa maririnig ang katanungan na iyon.
Are you okay?
If his presence is almost making me hard to breathe, and that question itself made a crack on my façade, what's more with the voice he used to ask me that question? It just makes me want to take off this goddamn mask I am wearing for years now. But taking off this mask means I'm letting them know I'm weak, no let me rephrase it…I'm letting him know I am weak. And that's not good.
I avoid his gaze and tried to calm my heart from bursting. I knew that I have to get away from his penetrating gaze but for some reasons even though I'm being conscious from his gaze, I still find his presence calming as if it's not the first time that I talked to him.
"Why? Nandito ka ba para pasayahin ako? Why don't you date me? Cause you see, every single person here seems have their respective partner and I currently, I'm not dating anyone. You're here with me so maybe you're available and you seemed famous around here base on our audiences' reactions." Biro ko upang pagtakpan ang iba't ibang hindi maipaliwanag na emosyong unti-unting pumapasok sa buong sistema ko.
He looked at me warmly. "I'm not as famous as you though and for sure there's someone here who would want to date you the most. I'm just a mere fan for sure I'm way out of your league." Vaughn Carlo smiled after he politely declined me on my joke.
The jittery elevates in that smile he just gave me that I didn't even feel hurt on his refusal. It's not the first time I saw him smile, but it is the first time that I saw his eyes with such emotion. It is so sincere that makes my heart weak. Ngayon ko napagtanto ang madalas sabihin ng mga ka-blockmates ko noon na dapat ay magpa-vaccine muna bago kausapin ang prince ng ADA. His charm is deadly for people with weak heart.
"How can you be sure about that? I mean, that you are way out of my league?" Kunot ang noong tanong ko sa kanya at matiim syang tinignan.
He avoided my gaze and look at the stage in front of us. "You're like a goddess and a muse."
I giggled on his description of me.
He looked back at me with a cute scowl. "I mean it. You really are a goddess and a muse."
"Would you mind telling me more about it? How?"
This time, Vaughn's smile is vividly radiant under the dusk sky. "You're like Iris, the goddess of color combined with Euterpe, the muse of music. Gamit ang musika, binibigyang kulay mo ang mundo ng mga taong kasalukuyang nawawala sa kadiliman. That's why I know, you are way out of my league. Masyado kang mataas para maabot ko." Seryoso nyang wika habang nakatingin sa kawalan na tila ba sinasabi nya iyon para sa sarili nya.
Malakas na tawa ang pinakawalan ko sa sinabi nya para itago ang kilig na nararamdaman. I was not informed that this man is such a charmer and a good talker. Somehow it makes me think why our paths didn't even cross way back on our freshman year aside from that one time. Hindi ko naiwasan mapaisip kung ano nga bang pinagkakaabalahan ko ng mga panahon na iyon.
Muli ay nakasimangot na binalingan nya ako. "You're rude. Don't laugh when someone's complimenting you."
I showed a peace sign at him and tried to refrain myself from laughing. "I'm sorry bad habit. Tumatawa talaga ako ng malakas kapag kinikilig." Muli kong pinigilan ang mapahaglpak ng tawa ng iiwas nya ang tingin at mapansin ko ang bahagyang pamumula ng tenga ngunit pinili kong ignorahin iyon dahil baka mag-walk out na sya kapag inasar ko sya sa bagay na yun.
"I appreciate the compliment but, I believe you're not in your right mind."
He looked at me with knotted brows. "Why?"
"Hmm…well, you're not on your right mind if you will refuse to date your so called, Goddess and muse." I smile mischievously, teasing him to check if my assumption is right that I am somehow making him feel embarrassed on the flow of our conversation. And I'm damn right! Mas lalong namula ang tenga nya pero gaya kanina ay pinili kong itago ang nadiskubre.
"It's not that I'm not on my right mind-"
"So is it a yes then? You'll be my date for tonight's event. And please, don't say that you're not famous, you're quite liked by a lot of girls. Isa pa, fan kita sabi mo? Ayaw mo bang maka-date ng isang gabi ang idol mo?" Kumikindat na biro kong sabi na ikina-bungisngis nya. Tuluyan ko ng nakalimutan ang lahat ng dinadamdam ko kanina sa presensya nya. Who would have thought that his mere existence would blow away all my worries?
"Hmm… but I didn't say that I like you. I just say that I'm your fan." He said with his eyes filled with amusement.
"You didn't say that you dislike me too and besides you being my fan only means you like me." Puno ng kumpiyansa sa sariling balik sagot ko sa sinabi nya.
"I was tricked." He chuckled.
"Wag kang mag-alala. Hindi ka naman lugi dahil dyosa ng Elites ang kaharap mo." Biro ko na may kasama pang pagbibeautiful eyes.
Malakas na tawa ang pinakawalan nya bago iniwas ang tingin sa akin na isang malaking pagkakamali dahil muli kong napansin ang pamumula ng tenga nya. Hindi ko na napigilan ang mapahagikgik na muli nyang ikinatingin sa akin.
Iniwas ko ang tingin para itago ang kilig na nararamdaman ngunit hindi ko magawang supilin ang ngiti sa mga labi. Nakakapagtaka man na ito ang una naming paguusap pero kataka-takang hindi ako masyadong nakaramdam ng pagkailang sa takbo ng usapan namin dalawa. At first, although I feel uneasy towards him because of my flirty heart who keeps on skipping its beat whenever he's looking at me with those serene eyes, his presence is calming. Na tila ba hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na nagkausap kami.
"So? Wanna be my date?" Muli kong pangungulit na ikinailing nya.
"Don't push your luck Marcielle Anne. I'm just worried that's why I approached you." Nakangiti ngunit halata ang kaseryosohan sa mga mata nyang sabi sa akin.
Saglit akong natigilan sa masuyong pagbanggit nya ng pangalan ko. Hindi naman nakakapagtaka na kilala nya ko pero sya lang ang natatanging tao na tinawag ako sa totoong pangalan ko. People usually calls me Chean -, my stage name – aside from my friends, no one dared to call me by my first name, even my classmates and it really gives an impact on me. Hindi ko alam na sa simpleng pagbanggit lang ng pangalan ko, maghahatid iyon ng kakaibang saya sa puso ko.
Tumayo sya sa kinauupuan na bahagya kong ikinalungkot ngunit hindi natuloy ang pagbalot sakin ng kalungkutan sa sunond nyang sinabi at ginawa.
"Let's go." Wika nya kasabay ng pahila nya sa akin patayo.
"Are we gonna go on a date now?" Biro ko upang pagtakpan ang mabilis na tibok ng puso kong tila nais ng kumawala sa kinalalagyan nito.
"It depends."
Kumunot ang noo ko sa mapanukso nyang boses. "Depends on what?"
I tried my hardest to fight his heated gaze but I can't keep on thinking about his hand on mine that is as cold as summer. Though it didn't last longer when he replaced it with a bottled water.
"Depends if you could make this crazy." Turo nya sa kaliwang dibdib bago ako tuluyang iniwan para puntahan ang mga kasamahan nya sa council.
Napangiti na lang ako na tila isang baliw ng makaalis sya. Alam kong hindi ko dapat bigyan ng ibang kahulugan ang ginawa nya pero hindi ko pa rin mapigilan ang sariling seryusohin ang hamon nya. I waved when he looked back at me before I went back to my bandmates. I made a deal with myself that tonight, my voice will not only be heard but also...
Will make the heart of the so-called 'crown prince' explode with my presence.
Just like how he did with mine.