I began to remember my ex and how our relationship started and ended. After just a single fight we had, I called off the relationship. I didn't mean to though.
I falsely thought that he wasn't going to let me go. I thought he would fight for me but he didn't. Swallowing my pride I begged him to take me back but he looked into my eyes and said I disgusted him.
He made me believe that he loved me so much and that he would never leave me. Thus, when he left me my whole world crashed and that was the beginning of the end. His friends tried to use me most especially Nathan but unfortunately or fortunately they couldn't because my heart belonged to Michael. And because my heart belonged to Michael there was no space for any of their lies.
Thinking about it now, I realized that I was only lying to myself and I never really loved him. I only wanted him to love me. I only loved the idea of him loving me because I wanted to be loved.
I wanted someone who wasn't my family to love me for who I was and to stay in love with me. I simply wanted to be loved and I mistook it for loving.
He wasn't good enough for me but I didn't mind. I felt in my heart that it was only someone who wasn't good enough for me that would actually stay with me. But I was proved wrong again, even someone who I felt was below me still left.
Amaya was right, I am only a victim and nothing else. No one will stay in love with me, no one.
Pushing my thoughts to the corner of my mind I?went into the bathroom took my bath, washed my hair and wore a black knee length gown.
For the first time this year I actually took my time to apply a little make up. Mascara, concealer, lipstick and powder. I looked at myself In the mirror and finally I saw a happy face staring at me.
It will all end soon.
You know what they say' If you're going to die at least die pretty.
I walked out of my room with nothing else but hope. Hope that should there be a next life for me God would then compensate me somehow for all the pain that I had gone through in this life.
I was making my way into the Bush at the back of my school where I knew that no one would be since the place was deserted. If no one saw me jumping then no one could save me.
It was already evening but the sun hadn't set fully. I could still find my way through the thick bush although it was getting darker with each passing minute.
So many questions flowed through my mind as I made my way through the grasses and trees.
Questions like, When would they find my body? What will my parents think? Was the suicide note good enough?
My brother Daniel, was he ever going? to call anyone else his lover again? Who will be his creme de LA creme now?
Was Adam going to cry for me? Did he even care for me? What of Amaya, will she be happy that I was out of the way and that she no longer had to stick with a weirdo? And Sofia, who was going to be her next best friend?
With all this overwhelming questions I couldn't help but cry as I walked to my death, but I wasn't going to change my mind.
I am proud of you Lora. Only the brave can make such sacrifice as the one you currently are about to make. Do it! It is for the best. Pain praised.
I started to feel like I was being followed by someone. Sometimes the leaves behind me twitched, then I look back but I see nobody.
I wasn't afraid of the person hurting me. I was afraid of the person stopping me from achieving my goal.
I quickly pushed the thought that someone was following me out of my mind. It must be my anxiety I thought.
Thinking about it now Who was stupid enough to want to follow me. What will the person gain from following me? I was not rich, I didn't have money or properties, I wasn't even a Virgin anymore so what could the person take from me? What was I useful for?
With a weeping heart and a sad mind, I walked further into the Bush Dodging and pushing woods and grasses aside until I finally found what I was looking for, the biggest tree.
The biggest tree in this bush was a mango tree and it was easy to climb for a lay climber, and easier for me because I had learnt how to climb trees from an early age when my parents used to take me to the village during Christmas. Although we do not go anymore for reasons as complicated as science.
Anyway knowledge once learnt and enjoyed Is hardly ever forgotten.
I learned how to climb trees from My cousin Kachi. Kachi was and still is an expert in climbing trees my dad even nicknamed him Tarzan.
When Kachi taught me how to climb trees I didn't see the usefulness of such knowledge to a modern girl like me, that is until is until now.
Even without seeing the usefulness then It was fun learning how to anyway so I learnt. I learnt how to climb so fast over a short period of time that my father was amazed and proud.
My uncles started to call I and Kachi Tarzan and Jane the children monkeys. It made us proud. We would climb trees all day plucking out the best fruits.
Thinking about it now made me smile.
But it was then, then when I was still happy. That was then when I was still Someone.
Stop thinking just do it. Do it now! Pain commanded.
And I listened to him.