In less than a minute I was already standing on the top of the tree. Looking down I was satisfied with the height. This time I was sure that when I fall I would no longer be able to stand. And when I crash this time I will be gone.
There was another mango tree just a few inches away from the one I was standing on, but it was a little bit shorter than the one I was standing on. I chose this one because it was higher than the first and I didn't want to take any chances or make any mistakes.
Today it all ends.
Standing on the top of the tree, playing with the leaves I sang the part of a song I loved.
I walk on water
But I ain't no Jesus
I walk on water but only when it freezes
Because I'm human like you
I've been making my mistakes
Oh if you only knew
I don't think you should
Believe in me the way that you do
Because I'm terrified to let you
Down
If I Walked on water I would drown.
I kept singing it over and over and over again whilst sobbing. I cried so much my head hurt and my nose blocked. But this time the tears were tears of joy, I was happy because finally I was going to be free, finally there will be no more pain. I have drowned, all that is left for me is to remain under water and to sink.
After sobbing my eyes out I took a step, a step of faith preparing to jump when I heard a voice scream my name
"Lora!"?The voice screamed startling me.
My heart stopped.
I moved back a little searching my surrounding for the owner of the voice and the direction it was coming from.
I had so many questions and assumptions. First of all I wondered if the voice was from heaven? And If God had finally remembered me, his child? or if the voice was of Pain urging me to be quick in giving in to suicide as my presence was no longer needed in this world.
A tiny, tiny part of me wanted it to be God coming to save me.
The person did come to save me alright but it it wasn't God, it was Adam.
He looked tired and exhausted like he had just finished running a thousand metre Marathon race. He was panting and his shirt was soaked with sweat, the same sweat that formed beautiful drops of art on his sculptured face. He was beautiful.
"You again?, why do you keep following me? Who are you?, what do you want! Stop stalking me for goodness sake!" I yelled furiously.
I held unto two branches above my head for support while I screamed. I was tired of his constant meddling in my life.
I was going to die today and no one would stop me. No one has the right to! They are already late.
Common Jump already! Don't let him disrupt you this time. Tell him off, he should mind his goddamn business. Common girl don't you want to get rid of me girl! Jump Common!
Jump! Jump! Jump! Pain chanted.
Pain chanted on and on until his voice was interrupted my Adam's
"Lora! Please get down! What the hell do you think you are doing! There are so many things to live for, don't do this! Suicide is not an option please."
His eyes bore into my soul. Even from a far distance I felt the heat of his gaze on my skin and in my heart, the same heat that could end up consuming and burning me if I Do not take the leap and die now.
I would rather crash than burn; fire causes more pain and more scars than falling. With him I will crash and be consumed by fire at the same time, I will not take a chance, I will not dream big.
He can never be mine. Amaya was right.
He was annoying me with his persistence I so much wanted to scream at him and that was exactly what I did. I screamed at him. I let it all out.
"I have nothing to live for, nothing at all. No joy, no happiness, no love, only pain anxiety depression and sadness. I am a victim, simply a victim. That's the only thing I know that's who I am. A victim!"
"I am a coward and_and cowards don't deserve to live. I am a coward!" I sobbed.
"You know he raped only me and there were three of us, three of us! but I was the only one who didn't fight enough. I let him have his way with me freely because I was a coward, a disgusting coward. I am a disgusting piece of trash so it didn't matter what was done with my body. Everyday I wake up and see their faces only to remember that I was the only one who was unlucky. Unlucky Lora!"
"I didn't matter then I do not matter now. God doesn't even care about me."
"I did not fight for myself because I was not worth fighting for, because I was weak. And I hoped that God would in his infinite mercy save me since my priest claims he loves all of us equally including but not limited to those like me who did not love ourselves. But guess what! he didn't save me! He let him touch me, he let him enter me, he let him use me!"
"Seeing I was so easy to rape the four of them came for me because I was the slut, the cheap, easy, weak one, the nonentity. It was not the first time that my body was used in satisfying the pleasures of men. Many men have used my body for their pleasures but I was hoping to remain a Virgin till marriage only to contaminate a little part of my body."
"The world hates me so much that even that little joy and hope was taken away from me leaving me with nothing! Nothing! I got to lose my virginity to an armed robber and a kidnapper."
"Didn't I live a good life you might ask, of course I did! I believed and loved God. I prayed everyday. I obeyed God's commandments. I was God fearing, humble and good. But he failed me. He failed me who has lived a better life than the both of them. He let them use me who has been faithful to him all my life!"
"I did not bleed at first so now I wonder who might have taken my Virginity? But I didn't know. I've almost been___I ___ can't take the pain of the memory anymore!" I yelled. " I can't take it anymore! The worst part is that I can't seem to forget, I have a photographic memory so I remember every detail of that night, every single minute detail."
"Do you know what it is like having a photographic memory? All your pains gets shut in your head and you live in eternal pain. Your pain then takes the form of a demon that torments you all the days of your life."
"Lora please that's enough" he begged. "Please don't say anymore."
He was already in tears but it did not impress me I didn't want his pity, I wanted love, only love, understanding and acceptance. "I can help you, " he added as a stray tear fell down his cheek.
But I knew that he was lying.
How could he help me? why would he want to help me?
Can he save the dead?