The rest of the classes went by and I remained quite for most of the time,occasionally talking to Veronica.What seemed off was that Van seemed to remain quite for most of the time unlike his usual self. Veronica tried to comfront him a few times but nothing worked.I kept the look of "I'm not affected and I don't care".But somwhere in my mind,I kind of felt worried of his unusual behaivour and even felt guilty as if I were the one behind him being like this.But what had actually happened to him remains a mystery.After the end of the school day,we all parted ways and went to our paths.While going to board my bus,I saw Van leaning against his car and looking forward,lost and unaware of his surroundings.Suddenly it hit me that this was the right time to confront him to know whether he was affected from any of my action.I walked up to him and stood behind him.He didn't realise my presence behind him.I cleared my throat to make him aware that I was here,but he was still lost in his world.I softly called out,"Van...".
He kind of jerked off and turned around to face me.His face was still that straight face: emotionless and unreadable.I looked up into his eyes,those looked back straight into mine.His look was confusing, it felt like he denied to express his feelings.He broke into the silence,"Yeah?" showing a slight beam.But it was completely forced,and I've seen through it."Are you fine? I mean you looked down suddenly,is there anything you want to share?",I asked with a gentle tone.
"No,what would happen to me?I'm totally fine",he said looking around and continuously moving.
"You're lying Van",I told him firmly.
"How are you so sure?"
"Your actions are a giveaway.Well,when you are not going to tell anything it's fine.But if I have caused anythingto make you sad, I'm really sorry.Have a good day",I said slowly moving away.
"What had happened to you then?Why were you crying?",he asked me making me freeze in my place.What could I tell him, that I was stupid enough to fall for a boy but not brave enough to confess him and I went to see him as I missed him and moreover he was hurt.Literally,I'm missing someone who is unaware of my whole existence.Yeah,I was crying over that boy.
"Well do you have an answer?", he said bringing me to existence.
I turned around to face him. I've never realised until now that he was actually handsome upclose,his brown eyes were piercing through me demanding for an answer.Our closeness made me kind of uncomfortable still I felt much different than I was near other boys.I tried look away from his eyes, but his gaze was impossible to ignore.I looked slightly upwards,"What if I say it's so stupidly complicated that you won't understand?".But he didn't reply,he just stood firmly in front of me, his gaze fixed as if they demanded for only a real answer."Well I was just sad,over a someone who was hurt",I said looking in the ground because it was impossible to talk under his gaze.His look kind of softened when I looked at him now.
"You're so stupid",he said.
"I know",I replied.
"And silly too",he said mockingly.
I gave him a slight pat on his arm and we laughed together.Afterall this tension,atleast we were able to laugh.
"But I still can't get over the fact that you started crying as if someone had died when it was just a person hurt.",Van said laughing and mocking me.
"I'm like that only,so get used to this.Anyways what was up with you?",I asked.
I couldn't tell him that the person I was crying over,maybe was the first person to make me feel different about people.Until now,I was just a child who grew up witnessing shit among the family.At some point it got so freaking annoying,that I started having a general perception of people as my family.Their behaivour has formed me into the crazy person I'm now,and they don't even know that.Maybe Robin was the first one to make me feel different about others,like his existence made things a whole lot different for me.Out of this tense to funny conversation,I just realised I told Van to 'get used to me'.But why did I say it out of nowhere,we weren't even acquainted for much long to say such things but somehow it came out my mouth naturally.But what is said cannot be unsaid.
"Nothing.I felt guilty when you cried.I thought you were disturbed from my interference so you started crying",said Van.
I started laughing at that how can someone think their interference could make someone cry.
"You know you're silly too",I said trying to control my unbearable laughter.
"I know",he said smiling.
With this we parted ways ending things with a positive note for the day.I boarded my bus to home.Robin's place was still empty.How strange is it to see a space empty which was always occupied?Like it leaves an illusion as if the person is still sitting right there.The rest of my bus trip went by me staring through the window and occasionally in the seat now vacant.How strange is it right,that a person who is literally this close to me feels to be so far away while the people far away seem to be closer? He's like no one to me,still he affects me genuinely.He doesn't even know that what he does to me,his smile could make my day and his pain makes me want to hurt myself,which I didn't realise until today.I don't know what this feeling is called,madness or falling head over heels for anyone.Sometimes it feels like I want to confront him right up when he walks through the hallway.But it is not easy as said,his appearance in front of me literally snatches me of my words.Be it obsession or anything but my feelings for him cannot be denied.But I'm scared; I'm scared of disappointment,disapproval and rejection.I don't want to bother his peace but neither can I control my feelings for him.The more I try to resist it,it keeps growing.What is it about him to make me fall for him?