The night in my house went as usual. This 'usual' isn't as it used to be, this 'usual' is about me ruminating about different things which are recently about Robin since he appeared in my life; while I look through the window blankly.This has been my favourite pass time activity after I finish studies and other stuffs.I still think about is it going in the right or the wrong way? I know intially Robin just came of as a crush. A high school crush that every other girl of my age has; a crush that you are supposed to forget.But Robin was taking over me even by doing nothing at all.I was going crazy and all pumped up with adreanaline,but is it just a general teen reaction or more than that? That is where it all stops. I know my repetative rumination isn't something that is gonna give me any conclusion but I just can't help but get trapped in the spiral of thoughts. This is something very new in my life that I'm experiencing.Don't know if I'm even supposed to call it love or only 'special feelings'. From what I have seen around me this 'special feelings' don't last long.They are short lived and not impactful at a greater scale.But if I have this 'special feelings' for Robin,I'm supposed to get over it after such a elongated time period.But the more I know and see Robin,the more I get entangled in his charms and my feelings. Why, why did it come to this that I can't help but accept that I'm falling for Robin? But it is dangerous for me to fall for him. For a person as introvert as me, I'm scared to start a conversation, my social anxiety hits me so hard in times that I get scared of socialising as it involves meeting new people and talking to them. And as for the Robin that I have feelings for,I would certainly mess up our conversation in our first encounter leaving a bad impression. You know this things always sustain in a person, to not to mess up and act kind of different in front of their crush. As much as I want Robin to accept me as I am, I want myself to change my weird and bad side to something unexpected. And as of giving up I'm not up to it yet, because this feeling is only growing stronger. Nothing has ever influenced to such extent that I would cry and run behind it. But why does it only sound like a reaction of your hormones in your teen years? From what I could feel it's not just hormonal reactions, but feelings. Feelings that devour me from day to day. But there's no turning back even if destruction is involved.Because what is love without no pain?
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The next morning was again another day at school. I carried out my usual morning routine and went to school. Surprisingly, I was welcomed in the classroom by not Veronica as usual, but Van. He literally approached me putting out a fist on the air, "Hey Buddy!". He waited eagerly for me to punch him in the fist back but he had already startled me enough.I raised up my hand to wave it and said, "Hi, I guess". Believe me, it was hella awkward for someone like me to reply or react when someone does something this outgoing. It may not be outgoing for others, but for me it was, I practically knew him only for 3 days or so, and we were not in the stage to be yet called 'buddies'. He may have understood the situation and so he smiled and walked away to his seat. Today Veronica was absent surprisingly. If it wasn't already a bad enough day, guess what came ahead? Maybe you have guessed it too, yes Van asked me if he could sit beside me. And then the polite and gentle side of me which isn't habituated in saying no, just replied yes. And there Van sat beside me for the day.
"Are you really that uncomfortable with me?", asked Van.
"It isn't about you but it is me. I'm kind of a weird girl I know, I'm just really introverted and maybe even laid back to some extent.
Sorry if you felt bad this morning", I explained to him and apologized.
"It's ok. So as Veronica is absent today, why don't we utilise this day to get to know each other better?"
"Yeah, sure"
"So tell me a little about yourself", he asked.
"There isn't much about me that you would really like to know about.As you know I'm an really introverted girl, thus have very few friends. But those few friends have been beside me throughout my life. I may come of as arrogant or ignorant to some, but that is not actually me. I'm a nerdy girl, who loves to read books, write and sometimes maybe even sing too. Enough about me, tell me something about you that most people don't know."
"To be honest, I'm not really sure. Like I'm a very cheery person as I would describe myself and maybe sometimes outgoing too. People think that I'm that spoiled son of a billionaire who doesn't value money. But what people don't know is my parents have always been humble and taught me to be humble too and earn my own money. Another thing that people often don't notice about me is that, beyond the society and inside the walls of my room, I'm calm and composed boy. I know it isn't believable but everything doesn't unravel at your first glimpse."
This words were going so beneath inside me that I didn't realise I was lost in him all this time. I was reading eyes, which when observed hold deeper than he acts, and they do radiate maturity which Van's persona lacks.
"You know you are a complete different person when you talk deep words", I said looking at him.
"Can I ask you a question?", I asked cautiously.
"Sure", he confirmed.
"What are your thoughts about love?", I confronted him.
I know this isn't a question that you would ask a person when you are trying to know them.But deep questions unveil those special reactions,personality and opinions of a person. I could see from his look he was not taken aback by the question at all as if he knew what I actually meant.
"Well as for me love is a complicated word.But then again everyone is blind with or without it. Its like something which will show you the but never take you through it. I have never developed that feeling for anyone except my close ones, but I'm really looking forward to it in the future",he explained.
This had me amused, the Van that shows off to the world isn't the one that I'm talking to now. He is much more than he shows and maybe I'm the first one to see this side of him in this school.
"So do you have any crush or boyfriend?", he asked.
This had hit me like a dagger in my heart. This is the question that threathens me ever since Robin's appearance in my life. But I still somehow managed to pull off few words, "I'm not even sure about it. Maybe I do have a crush, but my feeling for him is more than what people have for crushes. So it's kinda complicated. And as of boyfriend, I don't have any. What about you?"
"Well I had numerous crushes and girlfriends in my past but often got rid of them in just two weeks or so. There hasn't been any serious emotions involved. But I think I may have started liking someone but I'm not sure if it is a crush or not yet"
"I know, but what is actually sarcastic is how faling is only the easy part", I affirmed.