My palms started sweating and my hair was wet from my constantly perspiring forehead. It always happened when I was nervous. But the situation now was more than to be nervous about, it was near about death to me. My breathing got hitched and as his steps paced in my direction my heart told me that it was going to take its leave. I closed my eyes and bent my neck to face my lap thinking it could divert his attention from me. But his footsteps were sounding louder and louder to my ears, and I could break into tears. All of this was so overwhelming for me, I could not take it. I hated being caught, and more to face the situation of being confronted and enquired about. I liked it as mild it was, me looking at him with no worries and he not knowing anything about me. I did not have the courage of confessing to him, because more than his fear of rejection, I feared losing myself. I did not want to lose after all these years it is the only thing I've been holding on to. I know the intoxication of his presence in my life, but that is something he will never know off and there is no need of him worrying too. The intoxication will gulp and sink me into its sea but do I fear it? Maybe I do, but my craving for it is much larger than my fear. He is that sin in my life, which I know can destroy me but I would still fall for it over and over again.
I could still hear the footsteps nearing; with every step making my heart heavier.
"Where do you think you can escape? Fight me right here if you have the guts to do so", I hear him shout as I look down. But what did I do to make him mad?
By this time, he's close enough to see me. But I don't feel his gaze at me instead he rushes out of the door to follow a running boy. All this time, he was never talking about me but the boy. The breath that I was holding in,left my lungs. All this tension that I was facing faded all of a sudden. But did my heart stop beating out loud? No. Just his presence near me was enough for my body get all hyped up. But now my ears went to the noises coming from outside, just a few meters away from cafeteria. Then I notice the cafeteria was empty, all the students gathered outside to witness some drama outside, except few unbothered students like me who were busy with their lunches. But then it hits me, that a few minutes ago Robin was running behind a boy, is he into a fight or something? I quickly run towards the scene where groups of student are entertaining themself with the scenarios. I try to plunge in through people, but they are so many of them that I almost did not manage to make it in the front. As I was stuck amongst the piles of students, I hear students chatting about the two boys who were fighting because of a girl. Through the middle I try to lift myself up to get a sight of the scene, and see Robin fighting a boy rigorously. His head was bleeding and he looked like he was about to break the bones of the boy. His eyes were bloodshot, giving out nothing but anger. His condition was almost pitiable, with bruises and wounds here and there. I want to go near him so much, but I resist my temptation when I get reminded of the fact that he was fighting for 'a girl'. And who could be that girl? Obviously the one with whom he had a picture in Facebook. Just simply thinking about her makes me step back and my hands clench into a fist. But no as I far as I know those students weren't talking about that 'girl', but another girl in our school. I forgot that the Robin I know, changes girlfriends like changing clothes. But the fact that he is fighting so brutally for a girl is hurting me inside. The girl must be so lucky to have someone like him, and he must like her too or why would he go to such a extent for her? But will fighting with that boy do anything to help Robin? The situation was settling more into my heart, and the feeling of guilt was encompassing throughout my body. Maybe I was third-wheeling again, maybe I was again forcing that undefined push of my weight but at the same time I was hurt,severely hurt and jealous. Suddenly our teachers entered the scene,taking hold of both of them and taking them to the infirmary. I was standing at the extreme back of the crowd and as Robin was taken to infirmary he came back to senses and feeling the pain after all this time. As his facial expressions changed with everytime he screeched when his wounds hurtled, I felt the pain like a dagger hitting my heart over and over again. I could not hold back the pain, I ran outside and searched for a place where I can be unbothered for a while. All this while, tears were leaving my eyes and I did not even realise. I find myself at a bench meant for students who like sitting outside at lunch, but I still sit there. I broke into tears, clutching my hair near my forehead. Feeling the guilt of being the third wheel hurts me, the fact that he is hurting himself and that too for someone he likes. I know I never deserved anything at the first place, but the feeling was making me sick. I cannot feel the same way way I want to think, something isn't just fitting in the puzzle and then I realise it is me. I do not belong here and never will I, this world has alienated me years of ago and I have to accept the fact that I'm no one in the world of Robin. But that hope and little bit of expectation that I always had that something may flourish someday between us, fades away and hits me hard. I try to hurt myself as if it could quieten the rage in my heart, the pain of my heart and the screaming of my heart. But no, nothing helps as the pain is not enough to hurt me. Because the world around me has made me bearable to circumstances like this. Because I was born to suffer.Because pain is a constant quantity in my life.
~●Van's Point of View●~
I was in the classroom having lunch in there. I left Alleisa alone,because I thought my presence was awkward to her and she needs sometime to herself too. After some while , I heard noises coming from outside. I went out to see two boys fighting and a crowd gathered around them. I was not concerned at all because this what happens in schools regularly. But then I noticed someone familiar in the crowd. After close observation I realise that Alleisa was also in the crowd. But she seemed tensed and worried and her eyes were fixed at the scene as if she was worried for someone amongst the two boys,but who exactly? Like I was no interference in anybody's business but the fact that Alleisa was worried about a boy intrigued me. From the first day, she seemed very awkward around me and remained quiet for most of the time. Even though Veronica is the only who she actually talks too, but when Veronica chatters she just listens away. She always seem to be lost in her thoughts and there is someone who she always looks for and I can feel it. After some while of me thinking I saw Alleisa hurried away outside as the two boys were taken to the infirmary. She seemed to be crying but why? But there was no time for questioning myself. It was time to ask her. I quickly kept my lunch box away and ran down the steps to follow her.Soon I was outside of the school building and saw Alleisa sitting at a bench with her knees up and held into a hug. She looked sad; genuinely sad as she was looking blank and tears leaving her eyes continuously. Was there someone who she really cared for in the fight? I make sure to tiptoe my way around her and sit next to her in the bench. She didn't seem to notice me as she was too lost in her own thoughts. I pulled out my handkerchief from my pocket and extended my hand with it in front of her. This time she noticed me and said,
"Go away. Leave me alone."
I thought about leaving at once because I fear I will bother her again. But this time my interference mattered, because I cannot bear seeing her cry. Just something in my heart blew up for her, an extreme need for understanding her feelings and caring for her from the first day we met. But she does not let anyone into her world, then how do I know how much she suffers? I stayed firm in my place with my hand held in front of her face. When she did not take the handkerchief for a long time, I stood up and took the initiative of wiping her tears with my handkerchief. She was taken aback and for the first time since I came, she looked right into my eyes. Her eyes were in the need for some assurance; the assurance I can't provide her. "Why are you crying?", I asked her right away. She looked at me with that look of 'As if it isn't obvious'.But there must be some reason for being sad.
"If you are not willing to talk it out, I'm going", I said as I turned around to go back. Then I feel a hand tugging my wrist, I turn to look
Alleisa crying more bitterly now and holding
on to my wrist. Before I could say anything, she fell into chest started crying loudly, throwing her hands randomly at my chest. My hands were quivering for the urge of holding her, but it felt somehow wrong and taking advantage of her. But my hands somehow still crept their way and held her to my chest,near to my heart. Until today, I did not realise she was so small and petite that she fit right into my arms and her head barely reached to the upper half of my ribcage,but her ears were close to my heart, I wonder whether she is listening to my heartbeats. She broke into a rigorous cry, soaking my t-shirt. I guess she had been holding this for real long. A weird thing was that she kept on murmuring words like, 'It is all my fault', 'I'm the third wheel', 'I'm ruining everything', 'Why did I have to fall for him', 'I'll leave his life' and what not. So after all she was feeling guilty for a boy who she had fallen for and who was also involved in today's fight. But I wonder who it was, though it is none of my business. But as she was muttering this words I kind of felt hurt. The fact that she was crying in my arms and still thinking of a boy she was crying for, pained my heart. Nevertheless, I held her tight and comforted her saying that it will be okay. For a long while, we just stayed there, quiet and Alleisa held into my arms, crying in my shirted chest. Time did not seem to move and the flow of emotions too. We just kept quite,feeling the pain in each other's soul.She was calming down slowly, and finally when she stopped crying, she took the time to realize the situation. And suddenly when she realised she jerked away from me, and uttered a sorry and thank you together and went running away into the school. I was not left to tell her that it was okay, ask her why she was crying and running away and finally assure her that I was always there for her and I always will be. I know she was crying over a boy, but that couldn't stop me from being friends with her. I'll explore her world and dig out what she actually hides. Maybe it can ruin things between us, but today my urge for it was enraged by her crying. She deserves much better than she has. I know that I have practically known her for only a few days or so, but after observing her all through these days and talking to her today, I know she holds much more than she shows. She is that fire that intensifies with every blow. As she was now running away from me and to the building, I felt that emptiness in my arms and the feeling of her crying in my arms. I wanted to know about why she was crying,but she never gave me the chance to do so. Why, why do you always distance yourself from people, Alleisa Franklin? What is it about her that intrigues me more and more? Maybe I'll never know or maybe I will someday. Because the world she stays in, is parallel to the world I live in.