Our conversation came to a halt leaving us in a silence that was much of a reflection period for me. As we were sinking in the conversation earlier, I learned how people seem to be so different and how actually their past and actions are. Judging someone of their past is really sickening, but an amazing fact of life is your past may not completely ruin or impact your future, but in some way or the other it will reflect in your future. It's not like we can completely avoid our past and move on, because it always reflects in our future and impacts it. But it is us who can cure this but then again our fears, insecurities, grudges are so much more powerful than us that it always finds its way to overtake us. And then we fall into the loop. Thos loop is so full of confusion, fear and anger; twirling people into it and sweeping off the ground from their feet.
My own past has ruined so many things for me. My family continuing their never-ending quarrel, to prevail who is greater in talking shit. Like, I don't understand what do they get from this? At the end of the day, what they don't realise is that by talking shit and mistreating each other they set such bad examples in their surroundings. They don't care if a 6-year old, unaware of their shit gets impacted at a traumatizing level. And it's not like this for just a day or two, it's been ten-freaking-years. The way their mess has influenced my life and perspective of anything in general is just so negative. I know people will think I try to blame them for my helpless living but that's just the side of the story visible to the people. If parents don't know how to nourish and nurture a child emotionally,phisically and mentally they should not bring the child to the world at all. Sometimes just because their things don't work out, they treat me as the cause whereas I'm more of a victim. I've been so much affected from all of this, that I get sudden shocks and breakdowns frequently. And the lack of awareness has led to misinterpretation amongst people. They, not knowing the situation just throw out their random and unnecessary advices. Like I would want them atleast try to understand what I'm practically going through and would want them to give me my personal space.The sympathy they show me is like the worst thing they could ever do. They don't how them pitying me makes me feel like shit. It messes up with mind and suffocates me and nurtures that opressed anger of years. What they don't know is the way they are worsening things for my life can result in a serious outburst: an outburst that will ruin me completely but will set a path for me. But that is not something I want to make happen at this moment, everything has a time specified for it. Sometimes time is what it takes to heal.
I could see from the corner of my eye Van noticing my uncomfortable expression. But it was not something caused by him, so I patted his shoulder gently and smiled at him to ensure him that its not for him. Just after that moment it hits me seeing the Van's expression that I PATTED him! Like it's not a big deal, but someone like me who likes to avoid any kind of contact with anyone patted someone who she's practically trying know more. Then I muttered out, "I'm....Sorrry....I did not mean it--"
"It's okay, Alleisa. Calm down. This just means our distance is shortening", he assured me as he smiled at me like he always does wide and cutely, but today it seemed as hopeful as the sun. What is it about his smile that makes my heart settle and all my nerves calm down, the feeling of relaxation and relief takes over me as if his assurance was all that I needed. I kept staring into his face as I needed my reason of this feeling. Earlier I thought he used get on my nerves, but I realised after today that he is the one who calms down my nerves. I know there isn't a scarcity of people for getting on my nerves, but for sure Van doesn't count in that. Van waved a hand in front of my eyes to bring me back to existence, "Am I that handsome?".
"Are you day-dreaming?", I mocked him as I blinked my eyes. I'm getting used to taking Van lightly. Maybe I'm changing for the better, to embrace a new life full of wonders.All of a sudden I realised Van's presence make the thoughts of Robin literally fade away from my brain.For the while as if he no longer existed, my life as simple as it used to be. But no, this complication had to come, or rather be given attention by me to turn into such. What would be me life like without Robin? A silence surrounds my mind, knowing no answer.
_____
At the lunch break, Van didn't bother me. I liked getting my personal space. So as I was alone today, I sat on the seat near the window. Through the window, the whole school was visible: girls chatting in the corridors, boys loitering and fighting here and there, few students playing outside, all in all a scenario where I don't belong to. Van was nowhere to be seen, I wonder what he is up to. As I was scanning through faces, a face appeared and that familiar feeling of my heart fluterring began. It was Robin, talking to a bunch of his friends as he walked through the corridor. He supported rather sandwiched himself between two of his friends. He was smiling and walking so casually. My eyes were fixated at him as he walked through the school. I don't know how and where did my passtime hobby became observing Robin. As my eyes behold the curve of his lips, a gentle smile made its way into my face. My heart was feeling so full and my day so much brighter. I could feel the bloodrush in my cheeks even though he was that far. The feeling never changed, neither did my confidence. At the thought of that I sighed, I know I will take time, but I don't want the time to get over. As I was looking down at my plate,a bunch of noisy boys made it to the cafeteria. I looked up to see who they were even though I was the least bothered person, but as I looked up I froze in my place. The boy in the middle leading the group, with the spectacles I saw on the second day looked more mischieveous. The Robin Brown I know of and the one standing in front of me are completely different.As he picked up his food and went on taking a seat, he stopped halfway and looked in my direction. I think I'm caught, I forgot to look away all the time, my sight followed his every step and I have commited a blunder and I'm done. Suddenly he shoots out his finger in the air in my direction and said, "What are you doing here?"
I'm out of breath and in trouble.My heart starts to beat fast and my brain has stopped processing. But how does he know me and how does me staying here affects him?
I don't know, if only I were invisible to escape this situation.
How can someone just staring can be acussed in this way?
But then again I stare at him everyday. I'm surely in trouble and Veronica isn't here to help me out.
What do I do now?