After seeing Humble's wife, I remembered a joke. Hear this :
A woman threatens her boyfriend, "If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you!"
"Don't do this darling! Think about our child!" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.
"But we don't have any children!" erupts the woman.
"Wait, what? You're not 8 months pregnant?"
Anyway, Humble's wife should be charged with the offence of having Aphrodite as her name.
She was obese, her name should be Ketodiet.
I don't hate such people but I certainly would like to stay away from them. I died because of one such woman after all.
"Weight a minute." I said. "Is she your wife?"
"I saw what you did there, my lord." Erect said.
I gave him a smile. He was standing beside me.
"Yes. She is my dear wife." Humble answered.
Not dear, say bear wife.
"No wonder you married her for the money."
"What? What are you saying, my lord?" Aphrodite seemed stunned.
Of course she doesn't know why her husband married her.
"Nothing."
I ignored her and looked at Ovary, the poor man.
Then I looked at Humble again.
"Are you sure this man is sleeping with her? You might have made a mistake. The most he could be doing is to sleep on her."
"Nice one, my lord." Erect praised. He was becoming good at getting my jokes.
"Please don't joke about me, my lord." Aphrodite said.
"Oh come on. Ignore the jokes. You are bigger than that."
"Better than the previous one, my lord." Erect praised again.
And I also saw some onlookers smiling.
Wait. Can I turn this into comedy? Yes. I can use this opportunity to promote my shows.
Alright. Let's go.
"She is just a little bit thick, my lord. Please don't make fun of her." Humble defended his wife.
"Of course. I am sure she attracted you by her gravitational force."
"Hahaha."
I heard some laughter. People surely like to see others getting roasted.
"Why are you doing this, my lord?" Humble asked. His voice was a little rough now.
"Don't make fun of me." Aphrodite also said. Her voice was rough from the start.
Anyway, I am having fun doing this.
"Hey, Humble, congratulations." I said.
"For what?" Humble asked.
Everyone was listening and I said the punch line :
"I mean, people only have a queen sized bed but you, my friend, you have a bed sized queen. That's a big feat if you ask me."
"Hahaha. Amazing, my lord. Where did you learn all this?"
"I was here for some quarrel. Didn't know it'd be this funny."
"Keep going. Keep going."
The people around me were laughing and hearing their laughs, more people were gathering.
All of them could be my future audience.
"Please stop saying such things, lord. Don't make fun of my choice." Humble said. Now he was angry. He even stopped saying 'my'. He called me just lord.
But I can't just stop now. I have to say something. People were waiting for me.
"Yes, my lord." Erect spoke this time. Everyone looked at him.
He then gave me a smile and continued saying :
"Don't make fun of him. I am sure he weighed his options."
I raised my brows.
I nodded my head a few times. I might make him my partner.
"Oh. Haha. This other hero is also good."
"Keep em coming."
"I have something to say too." One person from the onlookers said.
"Go on." I permitted him. I am a benevolent king. I won't let my subjects down.
"She so fat that instead of a wedding ring, she wanted an onion ring."
Decent.
"I have one too." One more person said.
They are turning this into a competition. And I am all in for that.
"Go ahead. Anyone can say whatever they want. Keep them pouring." I gave permission to everyone.
And the people let loose.
"This man has his own planet."
That he has. If she wore a belt she would be Saturn.
"She looks like she swallows kids but not in liquid form."
"Her husband is lucky. She looks like she is tons of fun."
"At her wedding, the wedding cake was missing. Because she ate it all!"
"Hey! Leave fat people alone. They have enough on their plate."
"She's gonna need a crown as a ring."
"Anyway, whatever sinks your bad, Humble."
"Enough!" An angry voice rang around.
I had hoped it was Humble but turned out, it was the poor man. It was Ovary who shouted.
Whereas Humble… Well, he was laughing. I can't blame him. He gave in to the jokes.
Though, when Ovary shouted everyone went silent.
Not because they were afraid of him but because they were confused. Why was a stranger shouting for someone else's wife?
I can understand the wife would face problems in standing up for herself, but Humble should be angry. Not Ovary. Unless…
Ovary stomped his leg on the ground and stood just in front of Humble.
Humble was still laughing but before he could understand anything, Ovary punched Humble on the face.. which humbled him real quick.
I am now beginning to understand something.
Ovary then threw a glare at everyone who made fun of Aphrodite and he even glared at me.
Then, he held the woman's hand.
The Woman was looking at Ovary with wide eyes.
"What are you doi-"
"There is no point in hiding it anymore, love. Your husband is trash. He was laughing at you with all these people. I can't stand it. Leave him and marry me. I will take care of you better than he ever could."
Everyone's mouth went agape and I spread my arms.
"And there you have it!" I shouted.
"Hmm?" Everyone looked at me with a frown. Even Erect.
"What? You thought I was making fun of her for no reason? I was solving the case. Now you know that whatever Humble was accusing Ovary for was true. He really has an affair with Humble's wife."
Everyone squinted their eyes.
Of course they don't believe me. Heck, I don't believe myself either. I just made all this up right now.
I had no idea the case would be solved automatically like this. Infact, I had forgotten all about the case. I was just making fun of the woman.
But I couldn't say it. So I would just play along.
"I am the Hero King. I wanted to give justice. Humble's wife is having an affair which is wrong." I said.
Ovary and Aphrodite looked at me with worried eyes.
"But," I added. "Humble don't deserve her. Ovary here, like a true man, fought for his love. So only he deserves Aphrodite and her money. Whereas Humble, he shall get out of Aphrodite's life."
Ovary and Aphrodite beamed and I smiled.
"The Justice is served."
Everyone clapped for me. I turned the laughter session into a court trial.
Ovary finally had respect for me in his eyes and Aphrodite walked towards me.
I remained standing with a smile but I was surely afraid of her stepping on my toes by mistake.
Anyways, she stopped just in front of me.
She showed me a bright smile.
"Justice has been served, lady." I said again.
"I know. I just want to ask.."
The woman looked left and right and with sparkling eyes, she asked :
"Where is it served? And can I get five of them?"