Dear Diary,
I don't know how to start this. My head is spinning, and my heart feels like it's trying to claw its way out of my chest. Everything feels heavier than it did yesterday. Maybe it's because of what Akemi said. Maybe it's because of Rei. Maybe it's just… me.
The day started as usual. I made it to school on time, somehow managing not to trip over my own feet on the way. The air was crisp, and the faint scent of cherry blossoms lingered in the breeze, a reminder that spring was creeping closer.
Rei was waiting for me at the school gate, her backpack slung casually over one shoulder. She had that same easygoing smile on her face, the one that always made my chest tighten.
"Morning, Gabu!" she called out, waving like I was a mile away instead of just a few feet.
"Morning," I mumbled, trying to sound normal even though my heart was already racing.
Rei leaned in closer, studying my face. "You look tired. Didn't sleep well?"
"I—uh, yeah, something like that," I said, avoiding her gaze.
Her eyes softened. "You've been looking out of it a lot lately. Seriously, is everything okay? You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"
The sincerity in her voice made my throat tighten. I wanted to tell her everything, but the words wouldn't come out. Instead, I nodded, forcing a small smile. "Of course. I'm fine, really."
Rei didn't look convinced, but she let it go. "Alright. But if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me."
I nodded again, my heart aching with the weight of the words I couldn't say.
The morning passed in a blur. I couldn't focus on anything—not the lessons, not the chatter of my classmates, not even the occasional jokes Rei whispered to me during class.
Akemi caught up with me during break. She leaned against my desk, her arms crossed and her gaze piercing as always. "You look like you didn't sleep a wink."
"I'm fine," I said automatically, but the look on her face told me she didn't believe a word of it.
"You know," she said, lowering her voice, "you're not doing yourself any favors by keeping this all bottled up."
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I know. It's just… I don't know how to say it. Every time I try, the words get stuck."
Akemi's expression softened, and she reached out to place a hand on my shoulder. "I get it. It's scary. But you're not alone in this, okay? You have me, and you have Haru. You don't have to do this on your own."
Her words were comforting, but they didn't make the fear go away.
Lunch was awkward. Rei sat next to me, as usual, chatting away with Haru about some drama that had unfolded in their club. I tried to act normal, laughing along when I was supposed to and nodding at the right moments.
But then Rei turned to me, her eyes searching. "You're really quiet today, Gabu. Are you sure everything's okay?"
Haru glanced at me, concern flickering across her face. Even Akemi, sitting across from us, raised an eyebrow.
I swallowed hard, forcing a smile. "I'm fine, really. Just a little tired."
Rei didn't look convinced, but she didn't push further. Instead, she reached over and poked my cheek. "You need to lighten up. Smile more, Gabu! You're too cute to be this gloomy."
Too cute? My brain short-circuited, and I felt my face heat up. "D-Don't say stuff like that!"
Rei just laughed, completely unfazed. "Why not? It's true."
Akemi coughed loudly, clearly trying to stifle a laugh, while Haru gave me a sympathetic smile.
The rest of the day was uneventful, but my mind wouldn't stop racing. Rei's words kept echoing in my head. You're too cute to be this gloomy.
Was she just teasing? Or did she mean it?
I couldn't focus on anything during the walk home. Rei was walking beside me, humming softly to herself. The sound was soothing, but it also made my chest ache.
"So," she said suddenly, breaking the silence, "have you thought about joining any clubs this year?"
"Clubs?" I echoed, caught off guard.
"Yeah," she said, smiling. "I know you don't usually go for that kind of thing, but it might be fun. You could meet new people, try something new…"
I shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not really good at that stuff."
"You don't have to be good at it," Rei said, nudging me gently. "It's about having fun."
Her words hung in the air, and for a moment, I considered it. But then I remembered how much of a mess I already was, and the thought of adding more to my plate felt overwhelming.
"I'll think about it," I said finally.
Rei grinned. "That's all I ask."
Now I'm sitting here, staring at this page, and my chest feels heavier than ever.
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Every time Rei looks at me, every time she smiles, every time she laughs… it feels like my heart is going to burst.
Akemi's right—I can't keep bottling this up. But the thought of telling Rei how I feel terrifies me. What if she doesn't feel the same? What if I ruin everything?
I wish I could be braver.
Love,
Gabu