Dear Diary,
It feels like I'm walking through a fog, surrounded by thoughts that refuse to make sense, and emotions that twist and turn in directions I don't know how to navigate. Lately, it's as though every decision I make is heavy with consequence. When it comes to Rei, there's a different kind of weight—a kind that presses on my chest every time I see her, every time I think about her.
The truth is, I'm not sure if I'm even ready to face how I feel. But today, something's different. Today, I think I might finally be able to say what's been lurking under the surface.
The morning started off just like any other. I woke up, stretched, and tried to push the thoughts of Rei aside, just for a little while. It wasn't easy, though. Not anymore. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. Every time I try to focus on something else, my thoughts drift back to her. To her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes light up when she talks about something she's passionate about.
But those thoughts are tangled with uncertainty. What does it mean, exactly? What am I supposed to do with all of this?
I tried to shake it off as I got ready for school. I pulled on my uniform, the fabric feeling too tight around my chest, and I took a deep breath, wondering if today would be any different. Would it feel easier? Or would the weight of everything only grow heavier?
When I got to school, there she was, waiting for me by the entrance. As soon as I saw her, my heart skipped a beat. I tried not to let it show, but she noticed. Of course, she did. Rei always notices.
"Morning, Gabu," she said, her voice soft but hesitant.
"Morning," I managed to reply, my voice betraying the nerves I was trying so hard to hide.
We walked to class together, but the air between us felt different today. There was a distance, even though we were walking side by side. Usually, we'd be chatting by now, laughing over something silly, but today, the silence hung heavy between us.
I kept sneaking glances at her, trying to figure out what was going on in that head of hers. What was she thinking? Was she regretting her confession? Maybe she had said those words impulsively, and now she was regretting them. Maybe I'd misread everything.
But every time I tried to focus on something else, my mind would circle right back to her.
It wasn't until lunch that the tension finally came to a head. We sat under the oak tree, the same spot where we had spent so many hours talking and laughing in the past. But today, it felt different. The air felt thicker, and neither of us spoke at first. I fidgeted with my lunch, pushing food around on my plate without really eating. Rei wasn't eating at all. She just stared at the ground, her fingers twisting around a strand of her hair.
"Rei?" I asked, my voice soft but unsure. "Are you okay?"
She didn't respond right away, and for a moment, I thought she might not say anything at all. But then she sighed, her voice barely above a whisper. "Do you ever feel like everything is just… out of your control?"
Her words hit me harder than I expected. The weight of them settled on my chest, and I felt my heart speed up. I knew exactly what she meant. That sense of helplessness, that overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a situation you don't know how to fix.
"I don't know," I said quietly, unsure of what to say. "Sometimes, I guess."
Rei looked up then, her eyes meeting mine. For a moment, there was a flicker of something in her gaze—something I couldn't quite place. Vulnerability, maybe? Or fear?
"Because I think I might be in over my head with something," she added, her voice trembling just slightly.
I swallowed hard. Could she be talking about me? Was she referring to what had happened between us? To what she had confessed that day?
"Is it… about something personal?" I asked, my voice shaky.
Rei smiled faintly, but it was a sad, almost apologetic smile. "Yeah, I guess you could say that."
The silence stretched between us then, and I didn't know what to say. Part of me wanted to reach out, to comfort her, but another part of me was paralyzed by fear—fear that I might make things worse. That I might say the wrong thing.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. I couldn't concentrate on anything, not with that conversation hanging over me. Every time I tried to focus, I kept thinking about Rei, about what she had said, about what she might have meant. I couldn't stop thinking about the way her voice had trembled, the way her eyes had softened when she looked at me.
What did it mean? Was she trying to tell me something? Was I supposed to say something back?
By the time school ended, I was mentally exhausted. Rei was quieter than usual as we walked home together, the distance between us growing with every step.
When we reached my house, Rei stopped by the gate, her gaze lingering on me.
"Gabu…" she started, her voice low, almost hesitant. "There's something I need to tell you."
My heart stopped. This was it, wasn't it? This was the moment. The moment I had been both dreading and hoping for.
"What is it?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
Rei took a deep breath, and I could see the way her fingers twisted together nervously. "I… I like you, Gabu," she said finally, her words soft but clear.
I froze. The world seemed to tilt around me, and I felt my heart race. Was I hearing this right? Had she just—?
"You like me?" I repeated, my voice sounding foreign even to myself.
Rei nodded, her face flushing a little. "Yeah. I've liked you for a while now."
I could feel my pulse in my ears, the sound of it pounding in my chest. It was like a weight had been lifted off me, but the floodgates opened, and I didn't know how to handle the rush of emotions that flooded in.
"I—I don't know what to say," I stammered.
Rei reached out, her hand gently resting on my arm. "You don't have to say anything, Gabu. I just wanted you to know."
And for the first time in what felt like forever, I felt like I could breathe. Maybe I didn't have all the answers, and maybe I didn't know exactly what came next, but in that moment, I knew one thing for sure: I wasn't alone in this anymore.
"I like you too, Rei," I said softly, finally letting the words escape.
Rei's eyes softened, and her lips curled into a shy smile. "I'm glad," she whispered.
In that moment, I realized that maybe I didn't need to have everything figured out. Maybe the only thing that mattered was that we were both being honest with each other. And for once, that was enough.
Love,
Gabu