It's strange how two people can be so close, yet still feel so far apart.
This morning started like any other. Rei and I met outside the school gate, as we always did. There was a certain comfort in our routine, a quiet understanding between us. But today, it was different. The air felt thicker, the space between us heavier than usual.
I didn't know what had shifted. Maybe it was the way Rei kept glancing at me, as if she was waiting for something—waiting for me to say something. Or maybe it was me, second-guessing every word, every look, because I knew that something was changing between us.
As we walked to class, the silence between us grew more noticeable. It wasn't uncomfortable, just… loaded. I couldn't focus on anything. My thoughts kept drifting back to what had happened the other night—Rei confessing to me, and me not knowing how to respond. I still couldn't believe it, couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she liked me. But what did that mean for us now?
I kept sneaking glances at her, trying to gauge if she was feeling the same weight of our unspoken words. Rei didn't seem bothered, though. In fact, she looked almost at peace, her expression gentle and serene as we walked.
It wasn't until lunch that things started to unravel, little by little.
We sat under our usual tree, the one that had become our secret meeting place. Rei was quiet today, picking at her lunch without really eating much. I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn't dare look up. I was too afraid of what I might see, too afraid of the truth I wasn't ready to face.
"So," Rei said after a long silence, her voice hesitant. "Have you thought about… what I said the other night?"
I froze. My stomach twisted in a knot. "I… I don't know," I muttered, feeling the panic rise in my chest. "I mean… yeah, I've thought about it."
Rei didn't say anything at first. She just stared at her hands, twirling the straw in her drink absently. "And?"
I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye. What could I say? How could I explain the turmoil that was brewing inside of me? The way my heart raced every time I thought of her, the way I felt like I was drowning in emotions I couldn't even begin to understand.
"I… I don't know if I'm ready for this," I confessed, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. "For… us. For whatever this is."
Rei didn't react right away, but I could see the way her shoulders tensed, the way her eyes darkened slightly. I hated myself for saying it. I hated that I couldn't be brave enough to just take the leap. But the truth was, I was scared. Scared of what would happen if I let myself fall for her. Scared of what would happen if I didn't.
"I understand," she said, her voice soft but firm. "I don't want to pressure you, Gabu. I just… I needed you to know how I feel."
Her words were gentle, but there was an underlying sadness in them. I could feel it. It weighed on my chest, and I wanted to reach out, to take back what I'd just said, but I couldn't. I couldn't lie to her. Not when the truth was so much more complicated than I was ready to admit.
The rest of the lunch was quiet. I could feel Rei's gaze on me every now and then, but I couldn't bring myself to look back. There was too much to process, too much confusion swirling in my mind. I felt like I was on the verge of something, but I wasn't sure if it was a breakthrough or a disaster waiting to happen.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. My mind was consumed by everything that had happened during lunch. I couldn't focus on class, couldn't concentrate on anything other than the gnawing feeling in my chest.
Rei and I walked home in silence, the distance between us palpable. She was quieter than usual, and I could tell that something was off, but I didn't know how to fix it. What could I do? I'd said the wrong thing, pushed her away when I should have been honest with her.
When we reached my house, she stopped in front of the gate, turning to face me. Her expression was unreadable, and my heart sank in my chest.
"Gabu," Rei said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I don't want you to think I'm rushing you into anything. I just… I need you to know that I care about you. A lot."
My throat went dry. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to explain that I cared about her too, that I was just too afraid to admit it.
"I'll wait," Rei continued, her eyes soft but determined. "Whenever you're ready, I'll be here."
And with that, she turned and walked away, leaving me standing there, alone with my thoughts.
Dear Diary,
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Rei's confession, her patience, it's all too much. Part of me wants to reach out, to take her hand and tell her I feel the same way. But another part of me is terrified of what that means.
I just don't know how to navigate this. How do I take the next step when I can't even figure out what's holding me back?
I wish I had the answers. But right now, all I can do is wait and hope that, one day, I'll have the courage to face what's right in front of me.
Love,
Gabu