Dear Diary,
They say the closer you get to someone, the easier it is to hurt them. I never really understood what that meant—until now.
The day began like most others—an easy rhythm, the familiar faces, the soft morning breeze that promised a new start. Rei was waiting for me by the school gates, just like she always did, with that lazy, comforting smile of hers. I was always happy to see it, to see her, but today, something felt different. It wasn't her smile—it was the way her eyes were holding back something, like there was a storm brewing behind them.
"Morning," she said softly, almost as if she wasn't sure if she should be saying it at all.
"Morning," I replied, but the usual warmth in my chest didn't come. There was a tightness there instead, a knot I couldn't untangle. We walked side by side, the usual silence between us feeling more like a heavy weight today.
I watched her out of the corner of my eye, trying to read her, trying to find any hint of what had changed. But she wasn't the type to let anything slip easily. So, I kept my thoughts to myself, trying to convince myself that I was just being paranoid.
Lunch came, and we ended up at our spot under the oak tree. It was our place, the place where we shared everything—the laughter, the secrets, the moments that made us feel like the world was ours for just a little while. But today, that comfort was gone.
I set my lunch down, trying to ignore the growing knot in my stomach. I could see Rei's fingers trembling slightly as she picked at the edge of her sandwich. Her usual carefree attitude was missing, replaced with something darker, something I couldn't place. I couldn't stand the silence any longer.
"Rei?" I said, my voice quieter than usual. "What's going on?"
She didn't answer immediately, her eyes lost somewhere in the distance, focusing on nothing in particular. When she did finally speak, her voice was so soft that I almost didn't hear it.
"Do you ever feel like everything's slipping away?" she asked, her voice cracking a little at the edges.
I blinked, confused. "What do you mean?"
She hesitated, looking up at me with a look that made my heart skip a beat. "Like you can't control anything anymore. Like no matter how hard you try to keep everything together, it all just… falls apart."
I felt a chill run down my spine. My gut twisted with an emotion I couldn't name. "Rei… Is this about us?" I asked carefully. I hated how my heart sped up as the words left my mouth.
She bit her lip, her hands clutching the edges of her lunch so hard her knuckles turned white. "Maybe. I don't know. It's just… I feel like something's wrong, but I can't figure out what it is."
A cold sweat prickled at the back of my neck. This wasn't like Rei. She wasn't the type to doubt things like this, to question everything. I tried to keep my voice steady, despite the growing fear inside me.
"Are you saying you don't want to be… with me?" The question escaped before I could stop it, my heart pounding against my chest.
Rei's eyes widened in surprise, and she quickly shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's not about you. It's… it's just me. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Gabu. I don't know who I am in all of this."
I stared at her, trying to comprehend her words. She was pulling away, and I didn't understand why.
"Rei, don't do this. Don't pull away," I said, my voice almost a whisper. I wasn't sure if I was asking her to stop or if I was begging myself to hold on to whatever this was, whatever was left.
Her eyes flickered with a pain I couldn't quite grasp. She bit her lip again, looking like she was about to say something, but then stopped herself.
"Maybe I just need some time," she murmured.
The words stung. They cut deeper than I expected. Time. Was she saying she needed time away from me? Or was this just her trying to find herself again?
"I don't want to lose you," I said, my voice trembling with something raw and unspoken. "I just—"
"I know," Rei interrupted, her eyes soft but distant. "I don't want to lose you either, Gabu. But I don't know what's happening with me right now. I need to figure this out on my own."
I felt my chest tighten. I wanted to scream, to shake her and demand answers. But instead, I just sat there, nodding slowly, feeling the weight of the silence settle over us.
Rei stood up, taking a step back from me. "I'll see you after school," she said quietly, her voice breaking the tension just slightly.
"Yeah," I whispered, my throat tight. I watched her walk away, the distance between us growing with each step she took.
The rest of the day was a blur. My mind couldn't focus on anything except the conversation we'd just had. What did it mean? Why had she said all those things? What had changed so suddenly?
I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that something was wrong, that the thing we had built was crumbling between us. But the reality was sinking in, and the more I tried to ignore it, the heavier the weight on my chest became.
When school ended, I didn't see Rei waiting for me like she usually did. My stomach twisted. I thought maybe she'd need time alone, maybe she wanted space to figure things out. But that didn't make it any easier.
I walked home alone, the absence of Rei's presence louder than any words.
I sat in my room now, staring at my diary, but my thoughts felt scattered. The words didn't come as easily as they usually did. How could they, when everything was in such turmoil? How could I write about this when I didn't even understand it myself?
But I had to write. I had to get it out somehow, even if the words weren't perfect. Even if they didn't make sense.
I don't know what's going to happen next, or if things will ever be the same. All I know is that I'm scared. I'm scared of losing her. Scared of losing myself in all of this.
I don't have any answers yet. But I have to believe that somewhere, deep down, things will get better. I have to believe that I won't lose Rei—not now, not ever.
Love,
Gabu