Dear Diary,
You ever have one of those days where everything feels… wrong? Like the world is slightly off its axis, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to fix it?
That's what today felt like.
Ever since Rei's confession, my mind has been a complete mess. I can't focus, I can't think straight, and worst of all—I can't seem to act normal around her. It's like my brain short-circuits every time we're together now. And the worst part? I know she notices.
It's like there's this invisible wall between us, and every time I try to reach through it, I stop myself. I'm scared of what's on the other side. I'm scared of what I'll do if I let myself really feel all of this.
But I can tell it's hurting her too.
The morning started off tense.
Rei was waiting for me at the school gate like always, but something about her felt… distant. She smiled when she saw me, but it wasn't the same as before. It wasn't effortless.
"Morning," she said, voice soft.
"Morning," I replied, forcing a smile.
We walked to class in silence. I wanted to say something—to ease the tension, to make things feel normal again—but every time I opened my mouth, the words got stuck in my throat.
It was awkward. And I hate awkward. I hate feeling like I'm ruining everything.
It wasn't like I didn't like her—I do. I think about her all the time. She's the first person I want to see when I wake up, the one I search for in a crowded room. She makes me laugh, she makes me feel safe. But the idea of us… of crossing that line from friends to something more—it terrifies me.
What if I mess this up? What if we get together, and then I break her heart?
What if I ruin the best thing that's ever happened to me?
Lunch was even worse.
We sat under our usual tree, but unlike before, there was no easy laughter, no comfortable conversation. Just silence. Heavy, suffocating silence.
I kept stealing glances at her, hoping she'd say something, anything, to make this easier. But she just stared at her food, poking at it with her chopsticks without actually eating.
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Rei?" I asked hesitantly.
She blinked and turned to me, offering a small smile. "Yeah?"
I hesitated. "Are we… okay?"
Her expression flickered—just for a second. It was so quick I almost missed it. But I knew. I knew she wasn't okay.
"Of course," she said, too quickly, too easily.
"Rei…"
She sighed, setting her chopsticks down. "Gabu, I meant what I said. I don't want to pressure you. But it's hard pretending that nothing happened."
Guilt gnawed at my chest.
"I don't want to pretend nothing happened," I admitted. "I just… I don't know how to handle it."
Rei was quiet for a moment, then gave me a sad smile. "Then let's figure it out together."
Her words should've comforted me. They should've made everything easier. But instead, they only made my heart ache more.
Because deep down, I knew—I was the one making this difficult.
The rest of the day dragged on. My mind was stuck on our conversation, replaying it over and over like a broken record.
By the time school ended, I was exhausted—from thinking, from feeling, from everything.
I expected Rei to walk home with me like usual, but when I looked around, she was nowhere to be found.
That's when I saw her.
She was standing by the lockers… talking to someone else.
Sora.
I froze.
Sora was leaning against the lockers, laughing at something Rei had said. And Rei—Rei was smiling. Not the small, forced smile she'd given me this morning, but a real one.
Something in my chest tightened.
I wasn't stupid. I knew Sora had feelings for Rei. Everyone knew. But I had never let myself think about it before. Never let myself imagine what it would be like if Rei… chose someone else.
And yet, watching them together, I felt something ugly bubble up inside me.
Jealousy.
It caught me off guard. I had no right to feel this way. I was the one who couldn't give her an answer. I was the one keeping us stuck in this weird limbo. So why… why did it hurt to see her with someone else?
I didn't know what came over me, but before I could stop myself, I turned and walked away—fast.
I didn't want to see any more.
I didn't want to feel this way.
I walked home alone, my thoughts spiraling.
Rei has always been mine. I don't mean that in a possessive way—it's just always been us. Ever since we met, it's been Gabu and Rei. Our little world, just the two of us.
But what if… what if that's not enough for her anymore?
What if she gets tired of waiting for me?
What if she realizes she could be with someone who actually knows what they want—someone like Sora?
The thought made my stomach twist.
Would Rei leave me behind? Would I just be a memory to her? Some girl who never figured out her feelings in time?
I hate this.
I hate the way my heart clenches when I think of them together. I hate the way my breath catches when she looks at me.
I hate that she makes me feel so much.
Because the truth is—I don't know how to handle any of this.
Dear Diary,
I don't understand myself.
Rei deserves to be happy. If Sora makes her happy, then I shouldn't be upset. I should be supportive. I should be okay with it.
But I'm not.
I'm not.
Because I think… I think I might love her.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Love,
Gabu