Dear Diary,
I thought things would feel easier after talking to Akemi, but today felt like walking on thin ice. Every step, every glance, every word—I couldn't stop second-guessing myself. Did Rei notice something? Was I acting weird? And Akemi… she's been watching me like a hawk.
I don't even know how to describe today. It wasn't bad exactly, but it wasn't good either. It just felt... tense.
It started during first period. Rei was sitting next to me as usual, her head resting lazily on one hand while she doodled in the margins of her notebook. The sunlight streaming through the window caught the golden streaks in her hair, and for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.
"What's up with you today?" she asked, catching me staring.
I scrambled for an answer, my face heating up. "N-Nothing! I was just, um, zoning out."
She raised an eyebrow, smirking slightly. "Zoning out while staring at me? Should I be flattered?"
Flattered?! My brain short-circuited, and all I could manage was a strangled, "No! I mean—uh—never mind!"
Her laugh was soft, like the sound of wind chimes. "Relax, Gabu. I'm just teasing."
But how could I relax when my heart was practically pounding out of my chest?
Akemi, who was sitting a few rows behind us, cleared her throat loudly, and I could feel her judgment from across the room. She didn't say anything, but the look she gave me when I glanced back was clear: You're not subtle.
At lunch, things didn't get any better.
Rei was unusually chatty, going on about some random show she'd been watching. "And then, out of nowhere, the villain just—bam—betrays everyone. I didn't see it coming at all!" she said, gesturing dramatically with her hands.
Haru gasped, her chopsticks pausing mid-air. "No way! What happened after that?"
"They all started fighting, obviously," Rei said, leaning closer. "But here's the thing—the main character hesitated. Like, you could see it in her eyes. She didn't want to hurt him, even though she knew she had to."
"That sounds intense," Haru said, wide-eyed. "I need to watch it."
Meanwhile, I was trying my best not to get distracted by how close Rei was sitting. Her shoulder brushed mine every time she moved, and my brain was having a hard time focusing on anything else.
Akemi noticed, of course. She leaned over and whispered, "Breathe, Gabu. You're going to pass out if you keep holding your breath like that."
I shot her a glare, but she just smirked and went back to eating.
Rei must have noticed something because she nudged me with her elbow. "You're quiet today. Everything okay?"
"Y-Yeah! Totally fine!" I said, a little too quickly.
Her eyes narrowed slightly, but she didn't press further. Instead, she reached over and grabbed one of the onigiri from my bento. "Thanks, Gabu!"
"Hey! That's mine!" I protested, though I wasn't really mad.
Rei just laughed, taking a big bite. "Sharing is caring."
Haru chimed in, "She's got a point. You should be flattered she wants your food."
"I am not flattered," I grumbled, but the smile tugging at my lips said otherwise.
After lunch, Akemi cornered me in the hallway.
"Are you okay?" she asked, her tone softer than usual.
"I'm fine," I said, though I wasn't sure if I believed it myself.
"You don't look fine," she said, crossing her arms. "You're overthinking everything, aren't you?"
I sighed, leaning against the lockers. "I can't help it. Every time she looks at me, I feel like my heart's going to explode. And now I'm worried she's going to figure it out because I'm being so obvious."
"She's not going to figure it out unless you tell her," Akemi said. "Rei might be a lot of things, but she's not a mind reader."
"But what if—"
"Gabu," she interrupted, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You don't have to keep torturing yourself like this. I'm not saying you have to tell her right now, but you can't keep bottling it up either. It's okay to feel what you feel."
I nodded, even though my chest still felt tight. "Thanks, Akemi."
She smiled, giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Anytime. Now go before you're late for class."
By the time school ended, I was emotionally drained.
As I was packing up my things, Rei came over, slinging her bag over one shoulder. "Hey, want to walk home together?"
My brain screamed YES, but my mouth hesitated. "Uh, I-I don't know. I might have something to do—"
"Oh, come on," she said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me along. "It's been ages since we walked home together."
It hadn't been that long, but I didn't argue.
The walk was quiet at first, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows on the pavement. I was hyper-aware of how close Rei was walking, our shoulders almost brushing.
"So," she said, breaking the silence, "what's been up with you lately? You've seemed a little... off."
I froze, my heart pounding. "What do you mean?"
"I don't know," she said, tilting her head. "You just seem distracted. Like you're thinking about something really hard."
"I guess I've just been... tired," I said, hoping she wouldn't press further.
Rei nodded, her expression thoughtful. "Well, if there's anything bothering you, you can tell me, you know. I'm always here for you."
Her words were simple, but they hit me harder than I expected. I wanted so badly to tell her everything, to let her know how much she meant to me. But the fear held me back, like an invisible chain keeping me rooted in place.
"Thanks, Rei," I said quietly.
She smiled, and for a moment, the world felt a little brighter.
Now I'm sitting here, writing all of this down, and my chest still feels heavy. I'm grateful for Akemi and her support, but the weight of this secret is getting harder to bear.
I don't know how much longer I can keep pretending.
Love,
Gabu