Lost in reality as the darkness that once enveloped my soul returned to claim it's rightful place, it compelled me too look up and there and then as I beheld the body of my mother lifeless upon the bed it said too me "you killed her " the voice I once called my own was against me it was like the doctors would say, I was drowning in my own fluid.
Experiencing the shock that engraved my being I pushed out of me what was the last supply of oxygen keeping my insanity in check.
With a loud voice I shouted "Noooooo mummy please don't do this now" as I rushed towards her the doctors already making a report of her death,removing all form of support she had, in my head they could,no, they should have done better but they just gave up all hope on my mum, right there and then I understood why most hospitals surgical residents where not allowed to attend to there relatives because if I were the doctor that day you would have too kill me before you pronounce my mother dead. On getting too her corpse the doctors began to whisper as they put on there gloves to touch my mum, I had no issues with them until they asked me not too touch her, it was there my last drop of sanity was traded for an interaction with my darkness;as I glared at the nurse who injected her with the antibiotics and also the one who said I should keep my hands of her, my gaze was liken unto a god that looked up his failed project or as preditor gazed upon a prey not deserving of the gourmet treatment. As my eyes darkened,as my face transformed into what can only be described as the lust for vengeance;a weird smile escaped my lips, and I asked her "what do mean?" And then she said "you know it the COVID 19 period so she could be___" without hearing any further words the winch had to offer as I became even more enraged with anger and a slice of confusion I said to her "what do you mean, it's my mother we are taking about, and you are saying I should not touch her" the hospital residents left us alone as they saw we were stubborn to understand there professional perspectives. And there it began.
The whaling sound of my neighbors along with the silent but broken hearted bliss of my sisters voice and tears that rolled down her eyes brought me closer to my mother and after a long time of sitting close too her I felt her skin touched mine;as stiff as the mountain as cold as ice and as dead as the dead could be I realized she was gone and nothing remained but stone cold corpse.
I stepped out to understand properly to understand the plot before me and there it was like a flash of lightning into my skull as blood rushed too my head it became hard to breath and my overactive mind was free to manage my thinking depriving me of my sanity I asked into the open dark sky "what do you want, want fo you want from me" my mind was then as silent as the void until I said the word that broke the internet "Why me?" the calm but gentle laughter of what could only be defined as self hate said too me "Why you? Why you ?, let me remind you" and just like that I found myself reliving a moment a week before now; someone had just died in our neighborhood and my sister and my mother was talking about it and I came in on them and they told me about it and I said "so, what am I to do, I can't change what as happen and the person in question is not related to me" and them my sister said to me the words that still hunt me till this day "you act so care free about others, don't worry you'll experience how it feels then you'll know" as magnet attracts irons so was I pulled out of that memory and my mind Said to me "how does it feel" and I said "it feels like death ,I can't breath, my chest feels heavy but I can't cry .." and then my mind Said too me "good, good, that's the experience and expression you should have" I was confused and lost and them I shouted why into the heavens of darks stars upon the sky that night and then it replied this time with an ominous voice saying "it feels like death because it is death and you want to die in her place, you can't breath because of the shock of the loss and you feel you could have told her you loved her just once in you life and she had tried in your life, and the weight you feel on your chest is the guilt of her death you have taken it that you killed her with your troubles and you are the reason she always shouted and have a high blood pressure and the reason there is no tears from your eyes Is because you have not and refuse to accept her death but you will, and you will remember she said just yesterday that if she dies you will not die along with her and you are stressing her instead of being her joy in her marriage" the ominous voice was no more after this but like a gaming combo waiting for the appropriate time was my darkness to finish it all with my greed. I know they were my thoughts but I swear I never wanted to think of these things they just happen.An America musical once said "Saving myself from myself is a job and someone as to do it am all fucked up and its not my fault I didn't want too do it". My mind is a maze and does who try too help gets lost in it, so I never really told anyone about my demons except little children who only believed in the fantasy of my imagination, no one knew I was going through such pain and confusion,alone was I in the abyss of my thoughts where hell resides is where they side.