My mother's colleagues had just celebrated her birthday a month ago,and it was great the happiness I could never give was what clouded her eyes it was a joyous day and I was expecting more of the same for 2021 Dec 8 but here I am diving between realities future,past and present, wishing for what could be but never existed.
Time went by as fast as the Israelites when out of the wilderness the room where I stayed with my mother was as hot as the peak of Everest leaving I and my sister who choose to remain with her body till morning hoping it will all be something we'd give a testimony for in church on Sunday like one of the many miracles God could do for a faithful servant like my mother ... After trying different prayings and miracle steps that were taken in the Bible, I lost all hope in my capabilities and sat from the other end thinking, what was I thinking, am I Jesus, what did I expect to happen, just as I thought of that there he was like an adult taking candy from a baby as I was helpless and was at my lowest the voice in my head said once more "you must be happy now right" and I was shock by this say "what do you mean" as I about to defend myself against myself the voice replied "at least now her phone is yours ,isn't that what you wanted? " with all of heaven turning their back on me for it was my deepest desire as at that time to own my own smart phone but never have I wanted it to be like this,I was about to give a response when I heard the voice say "look at you hand" as I lowered my gaze towards my palm the shame of the world was not in comparison of what I felt, nor was the guilt, for on my palm was my mother's phone and my finger on it making a continuous tap so it won't activate the screen lock as non knew her pass code..
Out of what I could call nothing but hate for my own self, I gave the phone too my sister and then lay my head look at my mother in hopes of her waking up before moring.
At intervals I woke up looking at her it was the longest night I've ever had, noticing that my beliefs were nothing but fantasies I switched too begging my mums body with words like "mummy please wake up, I swear I'll never disturb you again... I love you please" after I said all this and nothing happened, I did something I wouldn't have done if she was sleeping talk more of alive,(as it Is know that people from out parts of the world utilized strict parenting ) I kiss her on the forehead hoping for a reaction for her , I moved away like a few inches to see her face move even a little but she didn't;it was there I knew really that my mother was gone and no more,,because if she was alive she would have slapped me and asked me if I were mad but seeing as non of that dream too place my mind had accepted the fact that she was dead but my spirit was still in connection with her ..