Alex shook his head. "You are one lucky man, Cowboy." He slapped him on the back.
"How can anyone look that good but feel so crappy about themselves?" Dean asked. "Want another drink?"
"I would love another."
They both walked back to the bar. "I think we should get her drunk. She needs to let go a little," Dean said.
"Didn't she say she was an alcoholic?"
"Alexsandra Kingston was an alcoholic. You get your head slammed on the floor enough times your brain seems to get... rewired."
"So, when was the last time you got laid?" Alex asked.
"Well, I guess you get your head slammed on the floor enough times your--"'
"Oh. Yeah, I get where you're going."
"Honestly, it was the day at the hospital before she had Gwen."
"Yes, I remember that vividly," Alex said, rolling his eyes.
"That's the day you almost killed me," Dean said.
"Yeah, good times. And I'm glad we remember that the same way. And I was kicking your ass in the hallway the night of her attack."
Dean smiled. "You've been talking to Auntie Bug, haven't you?" he asked. "I almost killed you twice. The hallway, where you were not kicking my ass, and the first half of the ambulance bay."
"Alright, we have to have one more go-around. You have to let me try to even the score," Alex said.
"Game on," Dean said with a laugh. "But seriously, between us, she never cared what people thought about her. She was the most confident woman I have ever known. She thinks she looks hideous because of the four new scars and the six stretchmarks she has. God, Alvarez, I want her so fucking bad."
"Well, that makes two of us."
"DUDE!"
"Well, I haven't seen her body in over five months; we had so much sex when she was pregnant, so I will have to take your word for it."
"I, too, was having a lot of sex while she was pregnant, just not with her, and take my word for it, so you bring it up. She can't make you sleep on the couch if anything goes wrong."
"Dude, I slept on her couch for months. If the girl says sleeps on the couch, I sleep on the couch," he said.
"Jesus, which one of us is the husband?"
"Well, if you got to ask?" Alex said with a raised eyebrow.
"You know you're a prick?"
"Yep."
Dean reached back and took a bottle from the top shelf. "Do you like scotch, Alex?" he asked.
"If it's good scotch, I like scotch."
"You see this bottle? This is a bottle of Bowman Arc 52-year-old scotch whiskey. This was a graduation gift from my Pop Pop. He passed shortly after. I have had this bottle for... 10 years." Dean explained. "This is not good scotch. This is a phenomenal scotch."
Dean took two lead crystal Glencairn glasses off the rails and put them on the bar. He poured out a serving of each.
"Swirl it. Nose it."
Dean inhaled the smell. Alex followed.
"Tell me what you smell."
"Fruit, light tropical notes. Green apple, pineapple, and... pears?"
"Outstanding, Alvarez," he smiled.
"Taste it. Let it fill your mouth. Hold it for a moment before you swallow."
They each took a drink and held it for a moment.
"Do you taste the Mango, raspberry jam, and cinnamon? There is a cranberry and vanilla finish. What do you think of this scotch, Alex?"
"This is unprecedented. I have never had anything this exceptional in my mouth before besides Allie."
Dean smiled at him. "Don't I know it. This bottle of scotch is $435,609.99 a bottle. It is exceedingly rare and extremely difficult to obtain. Just like my wife."
Alex's eyes went wide, and his jaw went slack.
He poured another serving of scotch.
"Dean? Are you going to get me drunk on good scotch and then kill me? Is that where this is going? Because it would take death to ever get me out of Peanut and Allie's life."
"Damn. Would you rather die than leave my family?"
"I am just as willing to die for Allie and Gwen as you are," he said.
We took in the other glass. Dean did the same.
"Can we back up a couple of sentences? Did you say $435,609.99 bottle of scotch?" he asked.
"I did. Remember, a gift from my Pop Pop. And you said you would die for my family."
"I did, and I would. It would take an act of God to get me out of their lives. Dean tell her how good she looks. Take her in your arms and kiss her like it was your first time," he said.
He poured one last serving before he closed the bottle and put it back on the high shelf.
"Do you know why I keep this up there?" He looked at the glass in his hand, turning it from side to side and rolling the amber liquid around. "Because I don't share this. I don't want my sister to have it. I definitely don't give it to my friends. Allie has never had it, either. Remember that I shared something so rare, so pure, and so special to me," he said.
"Dean."
"Just tell her what you feel. She's my life, and she needs to remember how good she is at making us feel. She expects it from me." Dean said. "She will think I am saying it just to get laid."
He drank the scotch and put the glasses in the sink.
"Dean, I appreciate you being so generous with me—for everything. But don't you think our friendship is weird enough? I know we joke, but I can't openly try to seduce your wife for you. You do this. She chose you, man, not me. It's your world; I'm just visiting."
"I've tried, I've told her. I've kissed her, I've touched her. I gave her a $47,000 wedding ring," he said.
"I'm sorry. Did you mean $4700 because there is no way you got her a $47000 ring on a Fed's salary?"
"Family heirloom."
"Dude, what the fuck did your family do? Racketeering? Corporate embezzlement? Is that why you became a forensic accountant?"
Dean laughed, "No. It's not illegal in this country."
"Oh." Alex looked confused, as if someone had just asked him about quantum physics.
"Anyway, it wouldn't be right. I have no real place in this. I don't even know what to call it. Tricycle? I am the eternal third wheel."
"We bonded over Gwen and the fact that the woman we both loved died TWICE! What difference does it make that she ended up marrying me? So, no hard feelings."
"You're a dick," Alex said.
"Yep."
"Hey, you two.," she interrupted.
"Nothing going on. Nothing to see here. Doing nothing, talking about nothing.
"Smooth, Dude. Real smooth. You might as well give her a transcript of what we are saying," Alex said.
"You know, Cara Mia, you look absolutely alluring."
"He told you to say something to me, didn't he?
"Your husband wanted me to ask you if we can get you drunk so he can take advantage of you while you're completely void of all inhibitions."
"Oh, did he now?" she asked.
Dean threw a bar towel at him. "Bruh! I am never, NEV---ER going to be your wingman. Then again, you would actually have to leave the house and find a woman of your own," he said and winked at Allie.
Alex grabbed Allie, hugged her from behind, and firmly pressed against her. He playfully gave her a series of quick kisses on her cheek.
"I have a woman. I just have to wait until my next life for my turn unless you're willing to share or fight me for her again," Alex said. I am willing to go outside and fight him for you."
"Yeah, that's hot. Just like when I was seventeen and in my fifth high school," she said. "As wonderful as that proposal sounds, I can't drink. It will go into the breast milk, and I don't think Gwen needs to start tossing back shots at this stage of life."
"You have a small dairy farm's worth of milk in the downstairs freezer." Dean pointed out.
"I can't properly take care of Peanut if I have been drinking," she said.
Dean came out from behind the bar. He took her gently by the back of her head. He looked into her eyes. "I want a lap dance. It's been over a year. Remember the good old days when you would use me as a stripper pole? Or make out with me on the couch. You know what I really miss. Fucking in the backseat of my truck parked in front of Muldoon's," he said. "Or bending you over the counter and coming so hard and deep inside you. You were in nothing but a pair of red heels." His cock grew stiff, and right now, he really wanted his wife.
"HOLY SHIT! I should not be in this room right now! I think it's time for me to go," he said. "And why didn't we ever do it in the back of my truck? I have a nice truck, too."
"Because we did it on your kitchen floor. And I know I have amnesia about certain things, but I believe you also got a blowjob to go that night," she said.
"Well, we did it in the kitchen too. If I recall correctly, that would be the night Little Gwen was created. And what the fuck, Buttercup! You never gave me a blowjob to go!" Dean said.
"Too bad, dude. They are absolutely magnificent. The way she takes your---" he was cut off.
"Okay, ya know what? This, she twirled her finger in a circle to encompass all of them, "is the most sexually frustrating situation in the history of frustrating situations."
"Come on, Buttercup. Let's play some pool. We'll play, upped stakes or darts, watch a movie, or maybe do a body shot."
"What about Gwen?" she asked.
"We'll call Bug and Kay Kay. I'm sure they will watch her for the evening. Come on, Alexsandra, have some fun with me."
He was begging like a small child who wanted a toy at the store. He looked at Alex. "With us."
"Us?" she asked.
"Two plus one is a lot more fun," Dean said with a sly smile at Allie.
Alex looked confounded.
"Are you in on this, Mi Vida?" she asked.
He shook his head and raised his hands as if to say it wasn't me.
"Farmboy, what exactly do you have in mind?"
"I am willing to take care of that sexual frustration you're complaining about."
"Okay, I'll go call them. If they say no, they say no. I'm not going to call everyone we know so I can loosen up."
"Hey, Bug."
"Hey, Allie Cat. What's up?"
"I was wondering if you and Makayla would do me a favor and watch Peanut---"
"Oh, of course we will! Are you and Bean finally going to spend some time together?" she asked.
"Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"Alex is here too."
"God, that is still the weirdest situation. How did they go from wanting to kill each other to being on their best behavior?" she asked.
"They are doing for me. Oh, can you bring me some nuggets and fries?"
"Pregnancy has ruined you."
"No, it just ruined my body," she said.
"You are the ultimate MILF."
"We will be there in twenty minutes."
"They will be here in twenty minutes, and OH MY GOD, you'll are drinking Long Islands.
"No, WE are ALL drinking Long Island."
Alex handed her a glass.
"Last time I drank these, I ended up with your head between my legs."
"Which one of us are you talking to?" Alex asked.
"Wouldn't you all like to know," she said with a wink.
"Let's start this pool game," she said, taking a big swig. "She coughed a little. Holy shit. You really are trying to get me drunk! This is not going to take very much or exceedingly long."
She got her cue from behind the bar.
Dean rolled his eyes. "Great, you remembered to bring him home."
"Hey, be nice. He's one of my most loyal friends."
"You all know I am absolutely awful at this game," Alex said.
"Well, how about you play loser? So, I'll have my nuggets and fries while you play, Dean," she smiled.
"You do remember what happened last time we played?"
"Let me guess, you ended up on the pool table with his head between your legs?"
"No. My head was between his." Allie bit her bottom lip and twitched her nose.
"Oh my God! Is all that you two ever did was have sex! And they wondered exactly how you got pregnant!" Alex exclaimed.
"Alex, would you like to regal me with some of the things we did? Besides each other?" she asked.
"Dude! Party foul!"
"Hey, if you can tell me about your escapades, I can too."
"Oh, family! We are here! We are coming down!" Natalie yelled, coming down the stairs.
"Everyone get verticle," Makayla yelled.
"Hey there, Bug!" The three of them were standing up against the bar, sucking down their drinks.
"Whoa! We have broken out the Long Islands. Shit is about to get serious."
"I hope we aren't interrupting your night."
"No, we've had sex already."
"BUG!" Dean shouted out.
"What? We promised to always be honest with each other."
"I thought keeping back stuff like that would be implied."
"Details make the difference, my dear brother."
"So, what are you folks doing tonight?" Makayla asked.
"Nothing. Playing some pool, darts maybe."
"Tonsil hockey?" Makayla asked with a sly smile and a bounce of her eyebrows.
"Um, gross, pooh bear!"
"Wait, you just told your brother, sister-in-law, and their boyfriend that we just screwed, but I can't ask about tongue kissing?"
"Their boyfriend?"
"What would you call him?"
"Helpmate?" Natalie said.
"That actually means husband."
"Come on. Let's go get our niece."
Allie packed up Gwen's things and kissed her goodbye.
"Mommy is going to miss you! Let me get Dean to put the pack-n-play on the car."
"Mi Amore!" I can't wait to see which one comes up. That was pretty obscure.
There were heavy boots on the stairs. It sounded like two little boys trying to get up the stairs first.
The door opened, and they both fell into the kitchen, looking up at her. "Yes, Cupcake," they said together.
"You guys are like two small children. I could have sworn I was told I couldn't have any more children, she said. "And they never have called me Cupcake, ever! You guys rehearsed that, didn't you?"
They both had cheesy smiles on their faces.
"Someone put the pack-n-play in the car, please."
They both just lay there. "Yeah, not moving so fast now, are you?"
"I'll do it," Makayla said.
"Dean Edward Stapleton."
"Damn! She said your middle name," Alex laughed. "Didn't you get slapped REALLY hard last time someone used your full name?"
"I suggest you put the pack-n-play in your sister's car, or I will play darts with my Helpmate. Remember what happened last time I played darts with my Helpmate?
Alex got a dreamy look on his face and gave an exaggerated sigh. "I do. God, do I ever."
"Me too. You almost died that night." Dean gave him a look.
"Hold on, I got some stones in my pocket."
"Dean put the ruler away and zip up. Put the crib in Natalie's car. Thanks again, Bug and Makayla. " Allie hugs them.
"What time should we drop her off?"
The three of them looked at each other. "I'll just call you tomorrow," Natalie said.
Natalie and Makayla got in the car.
"You do realize what is about to happen in there, don't you?"
"Someone is going to get alcohol poisoning?"
"Natalie Estelle, I love you with all my heart, but you, my dear, can be clueless."
"What then?"
"Think about it. Think about it from a straight woman's point of view."
Natalie sat there for a minute. Makayla pulled out of the driveway.
"OH, HELL NO! THAT IS SUPER NASTY AND GROSS, BABY!
"Look, I know that one of them is your brother, but four out of five women would give their right breast to be where Allie is right now. Alex and your brother are the finest-looking men in the lower forty-eight.
She threw her head back. She let out a loud, throaty moan. "Can we just go home and watch our niece sleep? Or paint dry? Anything but continue this conversation."
"Do you think the guys are going to kiss?"
"Oh, dear God. Keep it up, and I am going to throw up on you."
"I wonder how big their dicks are?"
"Kay, that is my brother. I do not want to think of his dick size!"