Alex was sitting on his couch, drinking a beer. He was like a zombie. All he did every day was go to work and drink on his days off. He had been in a constant state of solitude since the day he left them.
He missed them so much. He even missed Dean. He was his best friend and his brofriend. He got used to seeing all of them every day. He would be so excited to come home from work and see his family. Maybe he wasn't as alone as he thought he was. Now, he was alone.
He wasn't interested in going out and definitely not interested in meeting anybody, no matter how beautiful of a woman he may find. No one will ever be as beautiful as his beloved.
His phone buzzed.
D: Hey, man. What's up with you?
A: Nothing.
D: You been doing okay?
A: Yeah.
D: Why haven't you returned any of Allie's texts?
A: I can't.
D: Why? She misses you. You said you would still be around.
A: Sorry.
D: Your Goddaughter misses you.
A: Kiss her for me.
D: If you're free, we are having a little pool party. You promised Gwen you would take her down the slide.
A: Sorry. Work
D: Some other time, maybe?
A: Maybe. I gotta go.
D: Don't be a stranger, okay?
A: Sure.
He threw his phone down on the table and got another beer.
He went to open the fridge and saw the picture of Peanut's ultrasound. He snatched it off the door and threw it into the trash can. He grabbed a beer and went back to the couch.
You have to move on. You aren't her father. You were not her husband. You need to treat this just like any other breakup with a woman. You were there for her during her entire pregnancy, treated her like she was your wife, and swore to take care of her forever, even if you were not together. Dean was right. You are a prick. And now you're a lonely prick.
He was talking out loud, having an interpersonal dialogue, and doing his best to convince himself.
I did the right thing, didn't I? Well, if you have to ask, then there's your answer.
"Argh!" He yelled so loud that he was shocked that the neighbors hadn't called the police.
He had to work the midnight shift. At least Fancher got promoted, so he's not low man on the totem pole. Even though when he first got promoted and was upset about being the "low man," Allie explained that the lowest figures on the totem pole are considered the most prestigious. The designs on the bottom six feet of a totem pole are the ones that will be seen at eye level, after all, so they're the figures that the carver usually decides not to farm out to apprentices. The helpers do the high-up parts, and the master finishes the low end of the pole.
Higher-up figures are more symbolic and, if anything, slightly less important. In other words, the world's peons, newbies, schmucks, and gofers should more accurately be described as the high men on their respective totem poles. So be proud to be known as the low man on the totem pole."
Leave it to Allie to know the exact thing that I need to hear.
He slid into bed and stared into the darkness of his bedroom. There he was, alone, at least when he went to bed before he got a passionate or sensual kiss goodnight. At least when he went to bed before, he had either just made love to Allie or had a wild time with her... and Dean.
I hope you're happy with your decision Alvarez; you fucking moron.
His phone went off again. It was a text from Allie. He really wished she would get the hint and stop texting him.
I should block her number. He debated whether to open it or immediately delete it. Then he put the phone down and lay there, trying to go to sleep tossing and turning. He was wide eyed and wide awake.
"Just look at the text, Alvarez, you pussy or you will never go to sleep."
He opened the message, and there was a picture. It was her holding Peanut in what almost looked like matching bathing suits. Peanut was smiling, and it looked like she was waving or telling someone she was five. He went with the wave. Then there was his Cara Mia. He touched the picture. God, I miss you, baby.
"Somehow, Allie, you looked more beautiful today than the last time I saw you. Look how cute they are. My girls."
They are not your girls, Alex. They never were. Even when you were together, Peanut was never your girl, and Allie, Dean was right. I was in second place, third, if you count Ken.
😎HI UNCLE ALEX! Mommy and I wanted to show you our pretty bathing suits. I miss you so much. No one makes funny faces like you do. We love you and miss you so much. Please come swimming with me soon. Mommy still loves you just like I do.💔
"God, I miss you too. I miss everything about you both."
He missed Allie's laugh. He could always make her laugh. He would tickle her at random just to hear her. Peanut looked like she had grown just in the short time he had gone. He saw a little tooth poking through her gums in the front of her smile.
The lump that formed in his throat was now painful. His eyes burned, and his face went hot.
He threw the blankets off and went into the kitchen. He pulled the ultrasound photo out of the trash bin.
"I am so sorry, Peanut. I don't know what I was thinking."
He carried it into his room and put it on the side table against the lamp. He went into the drawer and pulled out a picture frame. He looked at it. It was of Him and Allie on Halloween. He was painting her belly to look like a pumpkin. He remembered that night. By the time it was over, he was covered in paint transfer. He went to put it back in the drawer, but he kept it out and put it on the table. He decided to text Allie back.
A: You are the most beautiful woman I have seen since the last time I saw you both. I love the matching suits. Take Peanut down the slide for me. I miss you both so much, but Allie, you must stop texting me. I will never move on if you and Dean keep trying to contact me.
In a couple of seconds, he saw the three dancing dots. After about fifteen seconds, they stopped. No text came through. She must have decided not to answer, just like he had told her.
A few minutes later, his phone vibrated. This time, it was a message from Makayla.
M: Apparently, you told Allie not to text you anymore, so I am the go-between. She just wanted to know if you had decided to leave Peanut's life. If you don't want to be her Godfather and her guardian. She needs to know as soon as possible so they can choose someone else.
Now, this is from me. I understand your position on things. I get it but don't do Gwen dirty like this. She loves you. You were the only "daddy" she knew for a long time. She heard you talk to her when Allie was pregnant and then continuously for the first six months of her life.
I would never tell Dean this, but when she first said Dada, I honestly believe she was not talking to him; she was talking to you.
You are her father's voice. She may think her daddy is gone. So don't say you will be in her life, make all these promises to take care of her, and then just disappear off the face of her little earth.
What you guys had going on was very weird and highly unconventional, but then again, so was being in a gay relationship at one time. You guys were doing so well as a family unit. I was convinced that if you stuck around you, Dean would finally consummate your bromance.
I think you need to see Little Bean. If not for your sanity, then for hers. Alright, I am getting off my soapbox now.
He knew he couldn't answer right away. He needed to think about it. He knew he had to choose between what was right and what was right for him.
"God, what am I supposed to do? I want to be in her life. They trust me enough to raise their daughter if they die. Why would they trust a single cop who could just as quickly die? Why didn't they ask Natalie or even Makayla? They are her real family."
He was so angry at himself that he threw the empty beer bottle off the side table against the wall, shattering it into a hundred pieces.
He shook his head, "I haven't cleaned up the fucking bottle from last time."
Alexander Alvarez, you need to get your head out of your ass and find a woman and have a family. That is the reason that you left your family. Which means I shouldn't be Peanut's Godfather or her Guardian. I'm a fucking mess.
I don't know if that's what I want anymore. I am never gong to be able to fall in love with again. How can I marry someone else when I have loved Allie for the last eight years? From the minute I turned my head and saw her in the briefing room.
"Why did she have to pick him? I know I love her more than he ever could. Fuck." Another bottle hit the wall.