I am Lief Wang Banc.
I have a childhood friend. Well, I can't say that his my 'childhood friend' because we grow up in a different place since I'm from Elder Wood village while his from Emerald Mountain Village. Though, as we just grow up, especially when we went back into my mother's motherland to visit our relatives, we played a little when we were young.
When I am on my eleventh grade in my senior high school and I was just 17 at that time, we saw each other again and mingle together with my other cousins because it's the wedding of my big sister. A cousin of mine from my mother side, that was held in Emerald Mountain Village. In that night, we laugh, we drink, we enjoy the moment.
To my surprised he take the initiative into inviting me for a dance. Yohan Milton.
I am-----surprised. And----yeah----- happy.
I'm happy that Yohan still, offered me, for a dance since I'm having the inferiority about myself.
Truthfully, I am fat. I just have a fair skin but I'm not beautiful, just an average looking one. In my young age, I am bigger than my peers. That make me look down on myself more. Add the fact that I'm already so down at myself as I have a trauma because of the car accident of my younger sister as I witness how she died.
I know, I am the reason why she died, I didn't take care of her more. I really blamed myself of what happened. The car accident happened when I'm on my 2nd grade in my elementary days and she's still kinder that time. Even my parents, on their drunken state, they blamed me, face to face, separately.
My little heart started to broke at that time.
I closed my self as I just can't move on. This still hunt me now.
Yeah.
I'm fucking doomed.
Fucking ruined already.
When I'm attending school, I didn't change. Instead, it worsened as my classmates didn't like me. I don't understand as I just do nothing and am only minding my self. I didn't even offend them as far as I remember. From grade 7 to Grade 10, it always happened.
They all bullied me.
They hated me for no reason.
So, I grown hate for them. Except for those who is true to me and accepted me a little. They became my friends, even most of them we're all boys. I'm so happy for that.
In my young age, I have so many problems already.
Really doomed!!
Back to the story, during my cousin's wedding. After the wedding, our escapades continue. We continue drinking together with my other 2 cousins, Mar Wang and Brenely Wang. I'm so happy at that time. I feel accepted.
One night, we just finished our one of those, 'drinking session'. After we drink, I'm still sober even though I drank a lot. Currently, we're going to go home already.
Truthfully, I have been known that I have a big tolerance in drinking alcohol since I as a child, I grown in an environment that my father is a drunkard. Whenever they have their own session, he let me drink a shot of an alcohol, to let me taste. Starting that moment, unknowingly, I was trained slowly until I grow up.
When we go home, I was with Yohan cause my way home, is coincidentally, intercept with his. So, we walk with each other. It's only natural for us to walk in the same direction. When we reach the house of my grandmother that I am currently living in because sadly, we have no house in there, so, when we go on vacation in Emerald Mountain Village, we just live at my grandma's house. To my surprised--
"Where's my good night kiss?" Yohan ask jokingly.
It was like I am possess, only stoned there. Maybe I was already enchanted by the magic of the alcohol,
"Hahahaha. Maybe you can come here." I said teasingly at him while smiling.
I saw that he was surprised, "You sure?"
I just nodded, before I can go back at my words.
After a while of being dazed there, Yohan slowly walk through me. When his already in front of me, he asked again, "Lief, you sure?"
I nodded again. Before I could say a thing, he kisses me right through my lips.
At that time, I said to myself, 'So, this is what kissing is like.'
This is my first kiss, truthfully. Yeah. I admit, even if I am a girl, I'm starting to get interested in porn. What it is? How would it be? How would I feel if I was the one doing it? What would happen to me?
In short, I don't know how to respond, so I just go with the flow.
After maybe, Yohan is already satisfied in kissing me, he stopped. Then he stared at me. Of course, Am I going to give up? Of course not. I look back at him too, eye to eye. We just stare at each other. We didn't even say a thing.
It surprised me, because he kisses me again. The kiss is so intense and I can't endure the intensity of the kiss. When I can't hold on, I held him on his shoulder. I know he was surprised too because of how I acted as I felt that he suddenly held my waist tightly. Caging me from within his body. The heat that is coming from his body is so hot, it's burning me.
I know it's my fault as I take the initiative. Yohan really attracted me. this started when he caught my attention at the wedding as we don't have a further interaction with each other before. I admit. He already caught my eyes.
When Yohan can't catch his breath, he stops. But he keeps kissing me. Again, and again. One of the kisses we shared, as I as being passive and started to respond to him, our kiss deepens into a French kiss. Lips t lips. Teeth to teeth. Tongue to tongue. We didn't stop. We just kiss there until I felt that he guides me to the comfort room there. Our comfort room at that time, is styled to be apart from our main house. I just complied because truthfully, I'm enjoying the moment.
In there, we keep kissing. But I stopped him suddenly, "What if I got pregnant?"
He smiled at me, "Don't worry." Then he kissed me again.
We keep kissing, even when I heard him close the door and locked it, I didn't notice it as I was in a dazed. After he locked the door, he pulled me close and kept kissing me until I felt his hand start to wander as he held me. Then, he started to unbutton my pants and pulled my pants downwards and start caressing me at my legs up to my lovely spot.
I so shy at that time due to the fact that, at my age, my hormone already started to change and a hair already grown in there. Shaving is not a part of my vocabulary at that time. But even so, he continued to hold that part. He played with it even. After his satisfied and I felt that I'm so wet already down there, he guides me and bend me, my back facing him.
Without further ado, he entered me. I was startled at the moment because I felt the slight pain. I bit my lips because I didn't want to utter any sounds. But I guessed with his drunkenness, he pulled his core unexpectedly after the one time that his little baby entered my cave, that didn't happen again. Though his thrust didn't stop but it was just rubbing in between my legs. I felt that it still gave him pleasure as I heard his breathing.
He tried to penetrate me again but, he just can't.
At that time, I want it, but I also can't.
I guessed, despite of whatever his feeling, Yohan, noticed my reaction of being absent minded so he stopped and just held me as we continue to catch our breath. He didn't kiss, touch me or trying to do anything else. His just purely, hugging me there.
After a moment, I heard his raspy voice.
"Hahaha. Don't worry, I won't do anything."
I just keep silent.
I don't want to interrupt that hot moment but I just can't. I had the urge to say no and stop what his doing. There's so many if and my rationality strikes.
With a deep laugh again, he held my hand and lead me to went out of the comfort room as he caged me on the wall of the house. As I lean on the wall, Yohan kisses me again. As usual, even though I don't know how to kiss, I responded.
After a while of kissing, "It's time for me to say good bye."
"Hmm. . . "
He stared at me deeply, then after a while of silence he says his good bye again and he turned his back and proceed to go home. Without stopping.
I also didn't stop him. I just leaned on the wall, staring at where he vanished and I can't see his silhouette.
I, myself, I can't fathom what I'm feeling at that moment.
When I'm sure that I composed myself, I went in through the house. I directly went to my bedroom.
Thank God my grandmother is already asleep. Because for sure, when she's still awake, she's going to questioned me, non-stop. I didn't want that. I felt like I was so tired at that time. Both mentally and physically.
When I reach the room that I'm staying, I lay at the bed. While lying, I still felt the heat from him. I felt like, his still right beside me, caging me from within his hug. I signed with mixed emotion. With the different feelings that I am feeling that night, sleepiness consumes me as I slowly felt the drowsiness of the alcohol that I've drunk.
The day before what happened, when I woke up, I just lay for a moment. The scene before, slowly sink into me. I feel ashamed but also a little bit of excitement. I also have the feeling of eagerness in seeing him again. Because what I believe is that maybe his feelings for me are getting a bit closer. In other words, we're a bit close now. At that moment, I remembered that there's a small festival that Emerald Mountain Village will hold that very night. But when we go at the place that the festival will being held, I didn't saw him. Even the silhouette of Yohan Milton, nothing.
My mood dampens. I lost my courage. I guessed. He didn't remember what happened. The next day, in early morning, I left.
I went back to Elder Wood with a very disheartened mood. When I'm riding the bus to my hometown, I'm just literally gazing at the window, just watching the passing by scenery while listening some music. My thoughts unknown. I didn't think a thing. I was just simply in a daze.
Unconsciously, as I really didn't feel it, I just found pout when I wipe it, tears slowly fall down from my eyes.
I didn't know that what I've felt is already a heartache.
Days passed. I can't still seem to move on. Yeah!! I kind off, take, the initiative but--- I can't forget. The scene keeps repeating on my mind.
My cousin, Brenely, that was with us during that time, mentioned to me that Yohan already have a girlfriend.
My heart broke more.
He already has a girlfriend.
Acting as I'm okay, I keep responding to Brenely. Going in the flow throughout our conversation. I even only listen to him when she complains about Yohan's girlfriend.
But what can I do. I thought. I'm not a bad woman. So, why would I ruin a relationship that really has nothing going on between us? I don't want to broke their relationship. I don't want to be the reason for their separation.
One day, while we're still in our summer break, while I'm drying the clothes that I washed. I suddenly receive a message from Yohan. The message asked how I do. Of course, I responded that I was okay. That small text, continues.
I am happy. All the time. Every time during our conversation. He even joked that he wants to do it again, the thing that happened to us. I was flabbergasted because he remembered it. I only laugh at him and told him that he should be saying that to her girlfriend, directly.
But----
"Hahaha. She's different. I can't do that to her Lief. Of course, I respect her."
That words wake me from delusion. Like there's a cold water that was splash in me.
I'm hurt.
My chest tightened.
Hiding the pain that I felt. I just replied to him okay. I even joked at him that I felt really cherished his girlfriend and how enviable that was. After that, I didn't reply again in any message that he sends me.
I felt really dirty. I felt that I don't deserve to be respected by Yohan. Respected by any man or a boy that I will like or have interest in me. That no one will do that to me, like Yohan treated his girlfriend. That anyone who have interest in me, they just want to get me and bed me just like that. That I am so easy to get.
As I swim into my depression, I don't know. But after days of us having no contact, I receive a text of him apologizing. I just replied mildly to him that I'm not mad at him, that I just got busy. But I made him promise me that he will not say to anyone what happened between us. Which he assured me that, that thing, shouldn't be said to others.
I am relieved. I can probably trust his word. After that, I didn't contact him anymore and I deleted his contact and our previous conversation.