When I get to live in our own house. I invited Mar to have our own one on one drinking. While drinking, we talk, we laugh. Unexpectedly, our one of the topics, leads to Brenely. It stupefied me knowing that, she too, have feeling for Yohan. What a big world. So, that's why she is like that. No wonder, she absolutely hates Yohan's girlfriend. Since we got blocked by her in the man's Facebook account, her, being possessive and obsessed with Yohan. That the woman doesn't want to break up with Yohan according to Brenely. All of Brenely's criticisms of Yohan's girlfriend. Now I know.
Though I got disappointed with Mar because, with his actions, maybe he said something to Brenely. Because he said that Brenely and I should talk. I already knew it, he really said something to the woman and the woman, it seems I've been flipped again. Well, even though I know Mar is close to Brenely, I said it anyway, whatever I wanted to say, because I want Brenely to know that I'm done with her. Even if I end up looking bad. I don't care. Because it's already too much, I always end up looking like the bad one.
Since then, I haven't talked to him about that woman, anymore. After our one-on-one session, we decide on anther drinking session. Fine!! We look like we have really become addicted to drinking alcohol. But this time, we have Ivanna with us. She's a certified Lesbian. Though we have Yohan also. All throughout our session, we keep on laughing. It irked me also, as the two, we're already selling to Ivanna. Idiots. I also got dragged into these two's trouble making, they keep introducing me to Ivanna. Now that I'm there. She can court me. Bastards!! I was just minding my own business there. And this stupid Ivanna, got fooled by the two. He seems started to be interested in me.
Though after our session, this session was held in my house. When I lead them to stairs,
"Will they stay here?" Yohan asks me.
I laugh. "Uhuh!!"
He also laughs, "Really?"
"Yes" I said with a smile. But after minutes of wanting to say something to me, he decided to stop talking and said his good bye to me.
"Until next time."
After that, he proceeds to leave.
While leaning on the wall of my house, I silently laugh at there.
I know what he wanted to say. That promise!! But I keep on being an oblivious to that.
As Kashrut was with us, together with my other little cousin, Luca and their Friend, Samuel, and before the session begun, I insist on the three to stay the night. Yes!! It's my fault. I have the feeling of being scared in doing it all the way, because I know something will happen between Yohan and me, especially since I'll be the only one left alone at home. I'm not ready yet.
Within three months of living there alone, Mar invited me into another drinking session. This time, it will be in his house. As always, I agreed. We're only three, this time, me, Mar and Yohan.
After the drinking session, as I'm walking home and was climbing the stairs to my house. I didn't know that Yohan followed me, by the way. When we reach my house door, I keep on declining him but he insists entering my house. I don't want to let him in because I know he has a plan. I still haven't forgotten what I told him back then.
"Hahaha, Come on. I won't do anything, promise. I am only here to stay for the night as I am sure that they already locked our house."
We stayed outside the house and still arguing softly on letting him enter my house. But as I always have the soft heart in term of him, I just finally let go. I let him enter. I just laugh there as he really threw up at my sink when he enters without offering him any hand.
'Good for you.'
I know, he has intention towards me. I'm a woman. Alone in the house.
He wanted to do me.
I know that.
But, with that in my mind, I didn't do anything, I just complied. When he forces his way in my bedroom, I let him be again. When we lay there, he said,
"Why did you cry?" He asks as he saw the tears in my eyes.
I didn't answer him as I really felt betrayed right now. Cause, he just tells me that---- Kashrut divulges to Brenely what happened that night. And Brenely, confronts Yohan if we really did something.
I didn't expect that Kashrut would say it, not with Brenely herself. As I know how she kind of didn't like her. Assumptions!! Fucking assumptions!! So, that's why. Prior to what happen now, she said that I easily trust people. That's why she told me not to trust anyone, even if they are close to me, even her. So that's how it is. Now, I know.
"You shouldn't tell that kind of thing to Kashrut, she's still young. She didn't know how to keep a secret yet." Yohan said to me. I know his blaming me, but he dares not say anything.
I am currently using his arm as my pillow as we both lay at my bed, side by side. We both stare at the ceiling.
"Hmm. . " I nodded
"Did she really ask? What did you say?" After a while. I ask Yohan.
"Nothing. Of course I declined it."
"Hmm."
After a while of silent, he lay on top of me suddenly. As I stare at him, "What?"
"You promise me, when your house is already ready." He said and then he kisses me.
Yeah.
That promise.
I told you. He didn't forget that.
This time around. I know. I will not decline him. I will not resist. So, I let him do me. He keeps on kissing me until I felt him sliding my dress as he pulled down my undies. Then his hand, reaches my sweetest spot. He played it for a while. While me, my breathe fasten. When he entered me suddenly, I cry out of pain.
He asks me if this is my first time. Shit!! I got offended a little then I tell him, "Uhuh!! You're the only man who I gave permission to hold me, you know, whether you believe it or not."
I don't care if he believes what I say because my mind is focusing on the pain that I feel when being penetrated. Every time he tries to enter me, he could not enter it. I don't know why. He keeps on playing may core. I felt so wet down there. Until,
"Should I eat you?"
I shake my head no, immediately. I don't want eat. I feel really shy and my part is so hairy. I don't want him to stare at my core face to face.
So, he just played with me as I keep on breathing hard there. I am so shy to moan. As he was getting impatient in preparing me, he didn't mind my reaction and he keep thrusting. Penetrating me rapidly, as I moved upside down. You can only hear the creaking of the bead and my fast breath. I just receive it wholeheartedly without any complains. But I don't know what happened, he stops suddenly.
Truthfully, I'm not satisfied. That's when I realized that I wouldn't be satisfied with just one round. But I didn't tell him that. My mind only focuses on that, I finally gave myself to Yohan. After what happened between us, he left at that night. I let him go even if I don't want to. I don't even believe that his not used to sleeping aside from other's house like what he tells me. I just know that he just wanted to leave. So, I let him be.
As close the door, ang lock it. I leaned on the door. Tears is flowing in my eyes, rapidly. There and then, I burst out crying. Crying so hard until I felt my body falling until I juts crouched there. Hugging my legs while crying. Holding my mouth as I don't want any kind of sound will escape in it. I don't want the neighbors to hear.
It really hurts. I'm in so much pain. It really hurts on loving someone despite of knowing that I can't have him. My love, my obsession and my possessiveness with Yohan. All of those, even if we're really have no relationship, I keep it within my heart. I stay loyal to him. Within these years, I can't let myself into loving someone else. Only Yohan.
I cried hard. I don't know until when, but even if I find myself getting back in my room. I even unknowingly slept when I get tired on crying.
After what happened, without anyone knowing, I get depressed. I didn't tell anyone what happened. How I feel now. After what happened between us, even if I am doing okay, and interacted with my other cousins and my uncles and aunts as if I am okay, deep inside, I am mourning.
Okay, I slowly teach myself to be okay. I buried myself into working. Into reading novels more. Into Watching thai and anime series, even if I already stop watching any of those.
Three months passed by like nothing happened. After three months, I was hospitalized and needed three months of recovery. Within those days, I decided to let go.
I love him. But. I know. He will never become mine. I already did my very best into loving him from a far. To stay loyal to him. I already gave my all to him. Heart, body and soul.
One day within those days of recovery, when I have the strength to go out already. I went to the salon and tell them to cut my hair.
I'm done.
It's time to move on.
I just don't know if I can find someone else that will interest me. Someone who will become mine and mine alone. Someone that I can say that he is MINE ONLY. That he will accept me for who I am. To love me for real. Someone that will be with me for a long time. Someone who will love me and be kind enough to accept and he can replicate the love, possessiveness and obsession that I can give him.
I just hope that.