Years pass by very fast.
There's no other man that caught my interest. I just keep studying. Typical homebody. Going home from school, straight to the house. I will only go out when the parents give an order.
I live in our hometown, Elder Wood Village where I grew up. I even studied until my Senior High School. When making a decision in what course I should take and where school I will be taking it. I am taking an entrance exam for one of the famous schools that is stationed in the heart of Elder Wood Village in the disguise of taking a Bachelor of Science in Education.
I got passed in there. But I really don't have the inspiration to be a teacher. So, when my mother said that I should take IT, I complied immediately. I looked for a university that offers that. Until I stumbled upon Flying Eagle College. It's just that, Flying Eagle College is located in Emerald Mountain Village.
Now, I'm starting to attend college. A first-year college student under Bachelor of Science in Information Technology.
Yep!! I have decided to just become an IT student. I really followed my mom's request to become an IT. Because of that, my mom and I talked to my grandmother, mommy, to let me stay with her since we couldn't find a boarding house. She agreed so I live with her.
On the 3rd night that I'm going home after attending first year college, I was late at the time and currently in line waiting for the jeepney that will get us to our Emerald Mountain Village. It's already late that night, about 8:30pm. Surprisingly, he is there too together with my other cousin, Reymar Wang. The brother of Brenely.
While me, in the line with me is my little niece who is a Senior High School student at that time. I didn't want her to line up anymore since the line was already so long, so I just squeezed her into my line. There's nothing wrong with that, because I've seen others squeeze someone too when they see someone they know.
She's the one who told me that she saw Yohan and Reymar that were ahead with us. I expected that we're not going to ride the same jeepney but, unexpectedly, we do. Shit sherlock!!
When we're already riding the jeep, he's right beside me. I'm quite awkward and I don't know how to approach him or treat him so I-----ignore him. Even when the person between us got out of the vehicle, and my head was facing his way, I treated him like air. Like I saw nothing. Yes!! I was an asshole and so rude at that time. I guessed I-----offered him so we really drifted apart. Further.
I am totally----- okay-----. The fact that I still learned from Brenely that he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend. I just thought, '
'Wow!! They really persist!!'
Months passed by until I reached my second year of college. I learned to expose myself a little bit. I became the secretary of our Department Organization. I started mingling more. Making friends with whoever I know. But that doesn't mean I really change exactly. I just spread my wings a little. But it's still the same me. A quiet and normal chubby woman.
Within those months, I still see him sometimes as I learned that he continued his studies, Bachelor of Science in Criminal Justice. Wow!! Criminology.
I'm so proud of him since he's already ahead of me by over 1 year. I thought he'll stop when he's going to college. I am happy for him, because, even if I'm not the reason, he still continues his study.
We also have a handful of drinking sessions with Brenely, Mar and Yohan. Those times I know. Yohan is avoiding me and is just interacting with me formally. We're really not close, I guessed. Partly my fault. So, I didn't complain. We also have that distance between us that separates us. I know, we will never cross that distance.
Every day of his birthday, I just silently say to him a 'Happy Birthday' and wish him a good life even though I was not able to say it to him even in a form of chat or message because his girlfriend knows his Facebook account, she blocks all the female friends of Yohan, including me.
Even if our communication only occurs when we are in our drinking session, even if I'm just seeing him from afar, never being contacted or creating a chance of talking between us, I am already content. I didn't ask for more.
Until one night before my graduation, we set a date again for our drinking session while I am currently attending my on-the-job training. That night, I'm a little bit tipsy already and the others, including Yohan, we're already drunk. I was shocked when Mar and Brenely went away for a while, Yohan went beside me and asked me if I still remembered what happened a few years back, in the comfort room of Mommy.
I remain silent.
I don't know what to say.
So, I just smile at him and say to him that, it's already in the past.
When we go home, coincidentally, we're together when we go home on his way, and intercept mine again.
Deja vu.
This time, I'm currently living with my uncle's house. My uncle's name is Tyrus Wang. Because sadly, my grandmother already held his last breath during this time. Just 2 weeks ago. I don't want to live in my old place anymore because I can't accept that Mommy is gone now.
Another reason is that, it's very complicated that I would be the one living there, considering that my grandma's children we're eyeing that house and who will be the one who will live there. They wanted to get that property. I don't want any trouble.
I decided to live with uncle Tyrus's house because.
One, we don't really have our own house. But this time, we decided to start our own house now, in Emerald Mountain Village but sadly, we can't live in it yet because there's something wrong with it. My mom even got sued because they said it's prohibited to build a house there.
The case is okay now, but it was stated in the final decision that they won the case, but the house will be demolished. So, we have no choice but to stop. Also, we got scared, then we thought that it's a big waste of money if we continue, but it will just be torn down anyway. But only the comfort room, windows and lights were the missing part.
Two, uncle Tyrus' wife was in another country.
And lastly, it was my uncle himself who offered for me to stay there. Because aside from just the two of them, his child, Kashrut Wang, lives in their big house, he said that even my aunt who was abroad wants me to just be with them.
So, I complied.
While walking, he asks me if I already have a boyfriend. I said no. It's unlikely that I'll tell him I have a boyfriend when I know deep down that I still have feelings for him. Also, no other man has piqued my interest. After hearing my reply, he remained silent that time.
When I'm back home and he was already far from me, I just stopped at the living room inside my uncle's house.
I regret it.
I regret that I didn't give in to the urge of mine to ask for his kiss.
Yeah!!
I admit!!
Even if there's no clear relationship between us, I missed him. I really miss Yohan. I still have that interest that becomes---even if I'm denying it myself--- a word called love. It started to bloom. I am also feeling the possessiveness and obsession that is engulfing me. I wanted his attention. I wish I were his girlfriend.
I know it's bad but---- I can't stop myself. I still have the rationality that he has a girlfriend. I don't want to ruin their relationship. But I can't do anything. I have no power to stop what I feel. So, even if I still held my feelings by myself, I know it's there. It's being suppressed deep inside me, by me. Knowing the truth. Accepting the truth. I remain silent. I didn't take the initiative for him to notice me. Because of that, the problem is also mine. I am also to blame for why I got hurt this badly.
There's no medicine for regret so I just make do with it. I will just sleep with my complex feelings. Coincidentally, Kashrut is not yet sleeping. I forgot that she's used to staying up late. Because at night, it's the only time that she can still read manga and watch social media.
I know from the very start that, even if she's a girl. She has the heart of a man. Though I already noticed it. I just keep silent. As she's very close to me, one day, she confessed to me that she's attracted to anyone. Whether the person is a male or a female, even if they're lesbian or gay. She's still infatuated. Yeah. She's a certified Pansexual.
I didn't have any disgust toward her. I didn't hate her because of that. As I am so open minded, I REALLY ACCEPT HER for who she is!! Add the fact that, I too, was in love with Boy love or BL. Whether it's a manga, series, or novel, I really love them. Of course, I myself only knew that. I didn't openly show it to others. But even if others find out, so what, I don't really mind it anymore even though I know I'm a certified real woman.
I graduated.
Of course, while carrying that feeling.
Afterwards, I went back to Elder Wood Village. Maybe I will forget how I feel. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. With that peace of mind, I happily went back. Having the wish of having the opportunity to have the rest that I can give myself after more than 18 years of studying.
I rested for one whole year. I really didn't have the urge to find work to fend for myself. Though I help with my mother's small business in selling fruits, vegetables, all kinds of meat, fishes, small groceries and the likes. With that one year, I wasn't really hanging around. A child who does nothing even though they have graduated from college. Within that year, I trained for my very first National Certificate under Bread and Pastry Production NC II. I passed. After the training, I did my own small business that was being sold in my mother's place together with some homemade small snacks.
I love food. So of course, I have an interest in cooking. Cooking is all that I can say that I am proud of having. Anyways, when starting my small business, of course, I started to have my money. Even if it's still little, I am earning my own. So, it didn't cross my mind to look for a job. I am already content with it as I gave myself a one year ultimatum to have a rest after I venture in our real world.
I also take the Civil Service Exam though I will not get the result after six years. So, I decided to wait.
Of course, the happy days when we are joyful will just stop suddenly. Because for me, the gossip has already started about why I'm just hanging around. I graduated from college, but why don't I have a job? It's as if it's a huge sin that I didn't immediately get a job right after college. Then, to add to that, my dad wants me to start working.
I thought, why does it feel like it's my fault? My dad doesn't have a job, he just drinks whatever he wants. He can't say I'm not doing anything anymore because I'm the one who's almost taking the whole shift in selling at mom's stall. Also, I had a small business back then.
That's why I started to hate him even more because back when I was in high school, while I was studying, he was always drinking, and the worst part was, he would fight with my mom, my hate for him started. Besides, he doesn't even have a job, yet he keeps talking and talking. He is even better than a woman at complaining.
Unexpectedly, I was asked to apply in the previous office where I did my on-the-job training after graduating. I was able to pass immediately in their requirement. So now I handle one of their sub offices under our main office. At first, I'm still coping and adjusting at my first job. After all, the person who was replaced by me didn't even teach me what to do in my job. What should I do? Of course, it's to me being self-reliant. I was the one who adjusted and I was the one who studied my job.
I've done that actually. I was so proud of myself. Huh!! I can do it after all.
Still, I live in uncle Tyrus's house. Again. Even until now, we didn't decide for me to live in our abandoned house as we still didn't continue making it. There's still no comfort room, windows and lights. But until now, it wasn't demolished.
They happily agreed that I'll just stay there for now. Even though I'm embarrassed, I can't do anything about it because the rent in boarding houses is expensive. What's more, my mom is scared that I will be left alone. Whatever happens to me, they say.
My days went by as normally as possible. Nothing adventurous happened. Though yeah, I admit that I still see Yohan sometimes but as always, as we're not close, we don't have communication. Like I said, I am already content, even in just that way.
I can't deny it. I didn't forget him. My feelings for him are still there. When I realized that it wouldn't disappear. I didn't make an effort to get rid of it. I just let it be. I also didn't like any other guy anyway. Even though I sound like I am too delusional I can't help but see and say that I know I have admirers or people who are infatuated with me now, even though I'm this fat. I am 60 kilograms after all and 147 centimeters tall. Yah! Yah!! I'm a midget. I still like Yohan. I wanted him. Yohan only, nothing else.
Yeah. I'm obsessed with someone that I know, he will never be mine. But what can I do? I'm this kind of person. Even if they will call me a martyr since I keep on being a loyal person with him.
Within those years, my feelings are only with him.
One night, Mar invited me to another drinking session together with him, his elder brother--- Steward Wang--- and Yohan, in the house of his big sister because only his big sister's children were in the house. So, we agreed. I know, it's weird as I am the only girl but we didn't invite Brenely because, well, we already have a problem at that time. Besides, we already know that she will refuse, and if we invite her to drink, she will say she has turned over a new leaf and doesn't drink anymore. That's what she always says, so we don't invite her anymore.
It's getting tiring too. She's getting too dramatic in my opinion.
Maybe Mar too, is avoiding inviting Brenely because once, Brenely's father reprimanded him when he invited THAT girl to drink cause according to his father, she doesn't drink. Damn it!! They really see that woman as a good person. They don't know that she has a dark secret.
That night was when it's my birthday. That time I turned 23 years old. Brenely even suggest that we should be drinking Alfonso that will be mixed with coke. It was a little bit pricey, but I didn't say a thing. I didn't even complain. Kashrut, even join us. Though I see to it that she will not drink a thing. She's only 16. I am over protective. I know that.
We drink beside Mar's house, in the open area there.
Aside from us five, me, Brenely, Mar and Kashrut. They invited Yohan. As it's all about drinking, He will definitely join. They also invited Brenely's cousin and his girlfriend. When Brenely is late to join us, another 3 three men join us. We also know them. Especially me, because I know one of them, Liam Jones. I even helped that man on one of his subjects. Knowing the fact that we are neighbors and we're attending the same school, I help him.
When Brenely joined us, I saw that she's unsatisfied because of the three. Then she tells me secretly that Liam has a liking towards her. Then it seems like Liam has started showing interest in her and told her that he's going to be courting her. That's why she said she was avoiding him and she didn't want to see him.
I just replied, "ah". Then I said to her that, I didn't know, Liam was that kind of person.
Anyway, during our drinking session, I noticed that Brenely, who suggested what we will drink—-I was a little bit sulking at that time because the drink is more costly than what we usually drink—-didn't even drink a single bit.
Annoyance, hit me.
I was so annoyed with her.
Brenely said that Liam was getting closer to him that's why she can't drink properly. Well, to be honest, because I was annoyed with her, I ended up drinking more. I just thought that she was acting up again. That she's just making excuses again. Because in between me drinking there while I face the moonlight, my back facing them, while drinking I was listening to the other's singing over there, Liam approached me. Our conversation became even longer while we were drinking.
But while Liam and I were talking there, I noticed Yohan squatted beside me. I got worried because I thought he had already been drinking and he might fall there. So, I told him that he might fall there, but he didn't pay attention to me. Because I was still annoyed at that time with Brenely. I didn't pay any more attention to Yohan. Let him deal with it.
That night went by just like that. Kashrut went home before me. When we finished and we go home, my heart filled with warmth as,
"Is it really your birthday? Happy Birthday Lief" Yohan said to me while we left together, again.
Well, I have a heart of a sponge cake for Yohan. My feelings for him have come back to life again. My heart is hoping again!! Damn it!!