"Be strong Meg, you can do this." I blow out a breath, watching it freeze as I huddle down into my winter coat, staring at my reflection. Christmas break and I am about to go over to Gabe's to invite him over for Sunday lunch- tomorrow. An invitation extended by my Mum. But as I wait for the bus, I realize I cannot do this.
This yanking back and forth between Gabriel and myself. Cassandra is constantly on my mind. Even if Gabe promised they were only friends, I cannot go on pretending that it does not bother me. Why did I let him convince me that the friendship they shared was so important to him to let go of?
Because I felt sorry for him? I knew Gabe had no real friends- not the future Gabe anyway. Sure, he was surrounded by people constantly now, but those were his study mates, not friends he said. Friends are what he considers someone he would almost drop anything for if they needed help. A kidney perhaps, he'd said, and that only made me more bitter, as I tried to cope with the very introverted man.
To me, it feels like Cassandra is his crutch. His reason for this he claims is his childhood. Memories. History. Those words hold weight in ways I can't explain, and I hate them for it. I hate how she speaks with such ease like they're still tethered together in some way I can't grasp. My thoughts spiral, jealousy creeping up my spine.
I feel something crack inside me. Maybe it's the realization that even if she's gone, there's still something unresolved between Gabe and Cassandra. Maybe it's the fear that this is only the beginning of a never-ending cycle. Maybe it's both. But I know one thing for sure- I'm not going to let myself be a backup. I can't. Not with Gabe. Not with anyone.
The wind is sharp this evening, biting at my skin as I stand in Gabe's driveway. The world feels too quiet, the kind of silence that amplifies the sound of my own heartbeat. It feels heavier now like the weight of what I'm about to do is casting its shadow everywhere.
Walking up, I press the doorbell and Gabe stands in the doorway of his home, a wide smile brightening his features, his hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets as he bends to kiss my cheek but I turn away.
"We can't- I can't do this anymore," I manage to choke out and I step back out into the cold portico.
His eyes widen, and he takes a step toward me, closing the heavy door behind him.
"Sorry?" His voice cracks, and it cuts through me like a blade. "For what, Meg? What are you saying?" I force myself to look at him, even though the pain is excruciating for me. A series of emotions are on display- confusion on his face then- "Dan? Is it Dan?" his breath freezes for a bit in front of him.
Oh God, he thinks I cheated on him with Dan? My ex?
Scared about this because I know it is the last time we will be seeing each other as a couple, I tremble. The words are like stones in my mouth, heavy and hard to spit out. "I can't do this anymore." "I'm saying we're done." The words hang in the air between us, suspended and suffocating. He shakes his head, his jaw tightening. "It has nothing to do with Dan and it is aggravating me when you mention him because it feels like a guilt trip about Cassandra."
"Meg, this again? Aren't you fed up with this by now?"
He has no idea how fed up I am. He will. "Yes, I am."
His chin raises, jaw muscle working as he folds his hand across his chest- I have no idea if that was to intimidate me but I ignore it. "I cannot shake this feeling, that I am this woman's stand-in." I frown as I talk because I am attempting to hold in my pain.
"No. No, you don't mean that. You can't mean that." He reaches out to hold my arm but I take another quick step back, knowing he would or could become aggressive. He knows it is true no matter what comes out of his mouth.
My throat feels like it's closing, but I push on. "I do." I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep the cold and the heartbreak, at bay. "We've hurt each other too much, Gabe. This... this isn't love anymore. It's not healthy. It's not right."
"Baby, I love you, you are the one I am with. Sandra was a chapter in my life. A closed one." His tone is quiet and I would have believed him again because I wanted to delude myself that much, but the truth I have come to accept... Cassandra- Sandra was not a mere chapter as he said. She was the entire book of Gabriel. Childhood friends. Junior and seniors together. College- where they altered their relationship to an intimate one. Every page turned had her on display.
A chapter. Hah.
My heart breaks as I watch the man, I love struggle with to defend himself. But I cannot be weak, so I push on through the ache and tears. "You allowed her to come back into your life Gabe, you sat there and gave her hope-" I have the memory of her holding his hand on the table asking for an open relationship. "You allowed her to remind you of what you used to have with each other. About the love you have for each other."
"Megara, I told you, I did not invite her, she showed up!" His hands open wide as if that would emphasize more. "I told her we were that, that I was with you. What the f#ck?"
"Twice you needed to say it at your house Gabriel? Does it not bother you that your ex feels so comfortable just- according to you-" I use air quotes for this part, "-just showing up?"
His eyes are steely now. "But I choose you. You are more than enough for me, you're everything to me, can't you see?"
"Then why do I feel empty inside Gabe?" I point towards my chest, my tears spilling over, hot against my cold cheeks.
He steps closer, his movements frantic now. "We can fix this, Meg. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Just tell me how."
I already told him how, but he does not listen. He insists I find some way to accept Cassandra is never leaving his life but he does respect boundaries and I must trust that he will never cross it. Cassandra is soon to be married and I had to find a way to deal with 'whatever is bothering me'- his words not mine.
Well, this is my way, I guess. I cannot go on with this consuming me. I'm suffocating in this relationship. I cannot do it- I must put me first. I need to accept Gabe does not love me and if he does then he does not love me enough to respect my boundaries. Maybe coming back had been about saving my family and myself.
Saving myself from the cruel fate of Gabriel Adkins.
"It's not about fixing it, Gabe. It's about letting go. We're not good for each other anymore." He reaches out, and for a second, I almost let him pull me in. But then I put more space between us. "Please don't make this harder than it already is."
His face contorts, the pain clear in every line. "I don't understand. We love each other. That has to mean something."
"It does," I whisper, my voice barely audible. "It means we had something beautiful. But sometimes love isn't enough."
He stands frozen, his hands slowly falling to his sides. For a long moment, he just stares at me, his grey eyes glistening. Then he nods once, sharp and jerky, nostrils red and flared like the motion is too painful to complete. "Fine," he says, his voice low and hoarse. "If that's what you want, Meg. If this is really what you want."
I nod, even though it feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces. "If she wasn't getting married Gabriel- would I be here? Would there be an us?"
And there it was. His reaction is like the air around us- frozen.
"It's what we need." I turn away before I can change my mind. Every step toward my car feels heavier than the last like the air itself is pressing down on me. I don't look back.