Days go by and as I scroll through my phone, I stumble upon Cassandra's profile again. I hesitate, my finger hovering over the follow button, sensing that I am obsessing. But I don't press it. Instead, I close the app and set the phone down, a strange sense of peace washing over me. Maybe Avrielle is right. Perhaps it's time to let go. I glance at the top of my phone's screen. 8:00 p.m.
Jeremy will be here soon to pick me up for dinner.
Cassandra's smile is off. I look into her eyes and then back at her entire face- I see cracks. My heart skips up and I see the shadows there. Despite her bright smile... she is unhappy. I rise and pace the hardwood floor of my apartment. She is unhappy because Gabe is not in her life? I searched her friend list- but he's not there. What the f#ck? Weren't they supposed to be hardcore friends, according to Gabriel?
Why am I thinking of Gabe again?
Thankfully, as the evening stretches on, I feel a quiet calm settle over me, a contrast to the whirlwind of emotions that's ruled my life for so long. Jeremy arrives promptly at 8:15, giving me his flashy smile that has won the hearts of millions- warm as always, though I can tell he's sensing something in me tonight. There's an unspoken understanding between us now, a recognition that we're in different places, no longer in the honeymoon phase, but not yet willing to give up either.
"Hey, you good?" he asks as I open the door, his voice soft but direct. It goes without saying just how good-looking he is. Every teen/ young adult girl fantasy. He's in a jacket and pants but I can tell he is uncomfortable. He likes to 'play dress-up' but despises suits. His aura did not need one though- he's a lead singer with that attractive quality that reels you in- especially when he hoods his blue yes.
I offer him a reassuring smile, masking the mess inside my head. "Yeah, just needed a little quiet time today."
Jeremy nods as if he knows exactly what I mean. "It's been one of those days, huh?"
"Yeah. A few too many of those lately." I let out a sigh, and he gives me a sympathetic look, his hand gently cupping my cheek.
"I'm here, Meggie," he says, his tone tender. "You don't have to pretend with me."
For a moment, I wish I could lean into him, and let the burden of everything pour out. But I know I can't. I've kept so much hidden for so long that I'm afraid if I let it all out now, I might never stop crying. Besides, you don't tell your boyfriend that you're hung up on your ex.
That's a negative.
"I know," I reply quietly. "I'm just... figuring things out."
He nods and pulls me close for a hug, his embrace warm and steady.
Jeremy and I do not live together, but he spends the night sometimes. We have to be sneaky because the female fans can be a bit too much not to mention the reporters. He isn't A-list famous but if he continues in this trek, he will be there soon.
That life is not for me. I do not want to be flashy and glamorous with cameras in my face every day. Jeremy wants it, not me, and we have an agreement that works between us. We are exclusive until we are not. Jeremy does not lie to me and display words of affection that he does not mean. Whatever we share is for the moment- in the past, past-future I mean, I'd been hurt by his declaration but now... now I get it.
The physical need to gap the emptiness inside.
The weekend rolls in and I awake to a rainy Saturday morning. Perfect weather. Packed and ready to go, the weight of the world momentarily forgotten. Avrielle is already at my door, her bags in hand, because I'm our driver, the look of excitement on her facial features, is contagious.
"This is it, Meg. No looking back." She grins, slinging her bag over her shoulder. My sister, the future meteorologist. Now, she is training to analyze weather data and interning at a local television station while balancing university. Mom is beaming with pride as it was also her dream when she was younger but opted to be a stay-at-home parent.
My twin, the scientist.
And her twin, the investigative journalist. It's funny that I went completely opposite to what I had in the past. Business, which had complimented Gabe and I as a couple. Darn, there I go slipping into thoughts of him again- it's so easy because my past-future is tied up with the new memories of now.
Inside my head is such a confusing place to be.
Liz is working for a magazine company while Matt is the soon-to-be attorney. His dream is to be a prosecutor and I am certain he will be. The finance guy- our dad, is so proud of Matt. It's comical to me because in the past-future, he very well nearly hated Matt's guts.
As we drive away from the city, the skyline shrinking in the rearview mirror, I feel a sense of relief. It's as if I'm leaving the past behind... at least for now. The future is still a question mark, but for the first time in ages, I feel like I'm taking control of it.
And maybe that's all I need right now. A little space to breathe, a little space to be who I am again, without the shadow of what was. Or who was.
Crisp air greets me as I step out of the car, with the groceries, the cool breeze ruffling my hair. Avrielle is already at the entrance of the cozy little cabin, her eyes sparkling with excitement. We've only been here for a few hours, but it already feels like a lifetime away from everything I've left behind.
"I can't believe we're actually here," she says, as I approach her. "This place is amazing." I nod in agreement, taking in the surrounding mountains and the peaceful silence that envelops us. For the first time in years, I feel the weight lifting off my chest. No phone calls. No expectations. Just the quiet solitude of the mountains. We head inside, with our groceries and soon we have a fire crackling in the hearth, the flickering flames casting a warm glow over the rustic decor.
It's a perfect escape, and I'm starting to feel like I can finally breathe again.
The next morning is a bit chilly and Avrielle swears she could smell snow coming. With breakfast and hot tea in our bellies, we both snuggle up on the couches by the fireplace, where a low fire is burning.
Just as I'm starting to relax, the doorbell rings, interrupting the tranquility. I freeze for a second and then glance at Avrielle, who is already halfway to the door. "I'll get it," she says with a grin. "Probably the delivery guy. We ordered some wine." By we, she, meant our older sister, Liz, who would join us this evening.
It was the delivery of wine and a friendly warning about a slight snowfall from the kindly and heavily bearded man who could have been in his thirties to his sixties. It was hard to tell because his voice was raspy but his eye wrinkles were ever so slight. His was a massive man in height and built- near a grizzly I think, if a bear had kind eyes. Huge boots, a long-sleeved red-plaid shirt and whatever pants that is, that mountain people wore, and one of those hats that hid their faces as well, on the sides.
An hour after Liz arrives, we decide to head down to the tiny town for coffee, to celebrate us three. It's been ages where it's been just us.
Time has a funny way of shaping people. We start as one version of ourselves, lost in the urgency of youth, and years later, we meet someone from our past and barely recognize the person we used to be. The sting of old wounds has long faded, replaced with new scars that have made us stronger.
That's how I feel when I pull my coat closer to my neck, to break the cold air just as Liz opens the door of the cafe and I meet gray eyes. My heart thumps loudly and flips but I turn away- it's always that way when I see gray eyes. Heat coursed through me, melting the chill away when I raised my head back up to meet the sitting man's eyes, who sat outside the cafe, holding a hot coffee in his hand. The eyes- piercing. The dark familiar arch of eyebrows. The sharp slope of his nose. And those lips, full and unyielding- the very same I used to kiss.
Years between us and yet it takes me only a moment to recognize him. A scruffy beard now covering his face gives him a rugged, almost unapproachable edge. His bold seated frame is swallowed by a winter coat and that same mountain hat on his head. But it's him.
My heart is now pounding as he also holds my brown gaze, the shock written over his features. Slackened jaw, coffee mug stuck midway to his mouth, blood drained from his face. Memories rush in like a tidal wave and my blood surges in my eardrums while a bittersweet ach settles inside my chest.
Gabe.