By the time Halloween rolls around, I'm desperate for a distraction. Avrielle is home for the weekend, her excitement infectious as she drags me into our parents' makeshift costume party preparations. It's the first of its kind for the Lee family, and the effort they've put in is impressive. The living room is decked out in orange and black streamers, fake cobwebs stretch across every corner, and a table groans under the weight of snacks and candy.
"Can you believe this?" Avrielle says, grinning as she adjusts her cat ears. "Mom and Dad throwing a costume party. Who are they?"
I laugh, but it's forced. "It's nice, though. Something different."
"Yeah, it is," she agrees, her smile softening. "I'm glad they're doing this. It feels... normal."
Normal. I cling to that word like a lifeline. After everything, I need this night to feel normal.
"First the Lee garage sale and now the Lee Halloween party. I like this change," she looped our hands together and I had a wide smile on my face. I have not been this happy in a long time. But there is this emptiness- Gabe.
We have resorted to messaging now. No dates for a while- we were a failed match. I ache inside for him though.
The Adkins arrive a little after seven, their presence an unexpected addition to the evening. Douglas and Linda are not in costume however and I guess it's because of the retest he had to take and they left within the same hour. Gabe walks in wearing a flannel shirt, suspenders, and a fake axe slung over his shoulder. A lumberjack. It suits him, annoyingly so. His gray eyes scan the room until they land on me, and my stomach flips.
"Meg," he says, his voice warm as he approaches.
"Gabe," I reply, trying to keep my tone neutral.
"You look... stunning." His gaze lingers on my costume, a simple yet elegant black dress paired with a witch's hat and the sincerity in his compliment catches me off guard.
"Thanks," I mumble, looking away.
The evening progresses smoothly at first. Guests mingle, laughter fills the air, and for a while, I manage to avoid Gabe. But it doesn't last. He finds me outside on the patio, the cool autumn air biting against my skin. Ironic that I had come here to escape the overwhelm consuming me caused by his presence.
"We need to talk," he says, his voice firm.
"Not now," I reply, crossing my arms.
"Yes, now."
I sigh, turning to face him. "What is it, Gabe?"
He steps closer, his expression tense. "You've been pulling away from me. I don't understand why."
"I just need space," I say, my tone sharper than intended. "And now is not the time to discuss this."
"Space?" he repeats, his brow furrowing, ignoring the other part of what I said. "What does that even mean?"
"It means I need time to figure things out," I snap, my frustration boiling over. Plus, he needs his energy to focus on his father's health, he just does not know it yet because the doctors told them to not panic. That his father needed the second test.
But I know.
His jaw tightens, and for a moment, he looks genuinely angry. "Meg, I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm not leaving you. Whatever this is, we can work through it."
Work through it? That's rich coming from him. Five years had been nothing to him but a few months of knowing me has? "Find Cassandra to occupy your fucking time, Gabriel!" I shout, my voice trembling with anger and hurt. But nobody is outside to hear us, besides, music is heavy inside.
His eyes widen, shock flickering across his face. "What-?"
"You heard me," I spit, my chest heaving.
Gabe steps closer, his gray eyes blazing. "Cassandra? Are you serious right now? You're jealous of someone who doesn't even matter."
Jealous. Yes, I am. Jealous and bitter but the fact that he said it angers me. "Doesn't matter?" I laugh bitterly. "She's the reason you leave me, Gabe. Or have you forgotten?"
He stares at me, his anger giving way to confusion. "Leave you? Meg, what are you talking about?"
I swallow hard, my heart pounding. "I can't do this. Not-"
His expression softens, the anger melting away as he reaches for me. "Meg, whatever you're scared of whatever you think is going to happen- it doesn't-"
Shaking my head, I step back. "I can't." Because I know how this ends, I think but don't say. Instead, I turn and walk back inside, leaving him standing there, the sound of his heavy breathing following me like a shadow.
Gabe does not know the fear of losing him, of watching him walk away. It is too much to bear. Because loving Gabe feels like holding onto a flame- beautiful, but destined to burn.
3?- Desperate
Anyway, a similar situation happens again but this time it's at campus almost two weeks later. I sneaked him in because Zulu had gone home for the weekend- a family gathering she'd said.
Gabe paces the room, his movements sharp and erratic as I stand barefooted and rooted near the door, in his oversized for-me shirt, telling him to leave because I do not want him to stay the night again. It was almost 11 at night, my back was pressed against the wall, and I saw an unknown number calling his phone.
I had screamed at him, "If you must cheat, switch off your phone so nobody knows!" It could only be Cassandra calling him from a blocked number since he blocked and deleted her contact in front of me.
Heart heavy, I am thinking this is it, I am done with Gabe. He and Cassandra can go make themselves happy- without me being in his life.
His words echo in my ears, heavy and suffocating. "Cassandra is nothing," he says, throwing his arms in the air. "She and I- whatever we had- it ended long before you came into my life. She told me she was marrying someone else, Meg. Someone her parents picked out for her. I told her fine, good luck because I didn't care anymore."
"Then why didn't you tell me about her?" I demand, my voice trembling. Gosh, I sound so pathetic. He's lying. After my father introduced him to me, I saw him with her having dinner.
"Because it didn't matter!" he barks, turning to face me, his grey eyes stormy, bare-chested, and only in his boxers. "You're the one who matters, Meg! But you-" He stops, his chest heaving, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "You won't let me explain, you won't listen-"
"I am listening, Gabe," I snap back, my heart pounding against my ribs. "And what I hear is you hiding things, keeping secrets. What I hear is a man who can't be trusted!"
His head jerks back as if I've slapped him. "I've done nothing but try to prove myself to you," he says, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper.
What the f#ck? He cannot be serious right now. He has done nothing but the opposite of what he said.
"And yet here we are," I reply, crossing my arms to hide the tremble in my hands. "I'm done, Gabe. I can't-"
"No," he cuts me off, his voice sharp. He strides toward me, his presence is overwhelming, and before I can react, his hand wraps around my wrist.
"Gabe, let me go," I say, my voice faltering.
"No," he growls, pulling me closer, his grip unyielding. His other hand rises to my shoulder, holding me in place as his face hovers inches from mine. "You don't get to walk away from me, Meg. You don't get to throw this away."
"Throw what away?" I snap, trying to pull free. "You're the one who lied! You're the one who-"
"I love you!" he roars, his voice echoing in the room.
Totally, I forgot this was a girl's dwelling and boys weren't allowed. I freeze, his words crashing into me like a tidal wave. But his grip doesn't soften. His hand moves to my neck to hold my cheek, his eyes misted- even in the dim light, I could see it.
"You're mine," he says, his voice trembling with anger and something deeper, something that frightens me. "And I'm yours. That's it. End of discussion."
Tears well up in my eyes as I stare at him, my throat tightening. "Gabe, you're scaring me," I whisper.
His expression flickers and pain flashes across his face, but it's gone in an instant. "I don't care," he says through gritted teeth. "You're not leaving me. Ever."
This again. Why does he keep saying that? Why does he think I am leaving him? I wrench my arm free with a strength I didn't know I had, stumbling back toward the door. "This isn't love, Gabe," I say, my voice shaking. "This is control."
"No, it's not!" he shouts, taking a step toward me with a deep frown. "It's- it's desperation, Meg! I can't lose you. Don't you see that?"
I shake my head, tears streaming down my face as I reach for the door handle. "You already have," I whisper, before slipping out of the room and into the cold, suffocating silence of the night.
I do not go back in until I see him walking out and towards the parking area. He does not see me, sitting on the bench behind the wines that are on the wire wall.