THE voices blasting through my EarPods drowned out the
noise from around me, I lay in bed scrolling through my Instagram with my Spotify
playing a podcast that I had just found. I'd decided to binge listen to the
podcast and it just happened to coincide with when the noises began.
My room is usually dark except when there's light
because the light kind of hurts my eyes most times but I haven't told anyone
about that. My mother just thinks I love the dark for one macabre reason she
can't quite lay her hands on yet. I let her think what she wants about me most
times because at least it's one less thing for her to worry about.
"Can I come in?" The tiny voice managed to penetrate
through the voices talking from my EarPods and I paused it to hear the voice
again.
"Diana…" I heard my younger sibling's tiny voice call
from the other side of the door, I immediately stand up from the bed and put my
EarPods back in its case.
"Come in Dina" I called out to her and the door opened
lightly as she walked into the room. She is already dressed in her Sofia the
first pajamas and that made me chuckle.
She softly closed the door behind her and walked to me
where I am sitting on my bed and I reached my hand out to carry her onto the
bed next to me.
"Your cute pajamas!" I say to her putting rubbing her
hair lightly with a big smile on my face trying to assure her that everything
was okay.
"You like it? Mommy didn't say anything when I dressed
myself" watching Dina's face fall I wanted to go out there and shout at them to
stop shouting and pay attention to their kids for once.
"Well you did well dressing yourself my darling…
where's the other minion?"
"Dylan has slept, I guess from playing all day
earlier" she said her tiny voice filled with laughter.
"Why haven't you slept though?" I asked her rubbing
her head and placing a kiss on her forehead.
"It's boring to sleep…"
"Boring? How say you?"
The noise had reduced by only a few octaves and I was
glad that had at least finally come to realize that they had kids and the noise
would be disturbing them.
"I am not playing with any of my toys when I sleep…"
"Really? But your body needs rest"
"My body doesn't…" she tried flexing her arms through
the pajama top and I laughed at her "see I am strong"
"Yes you are strong… but your body still needs rest…"
I said to her trying to think about a scenario to paint for her to convince her
to sleep.
"Isn't Dylan strong?"
"He kind of is"
"And yet he's asleep, sleeping makes your body
stronger and helps replenish your energy" I said to her with a smile and her face
scrunched up as if she was trying to think about a comeback for me.
"But… that's why when I wake up I feel ready to go
play." She thought out loud nodding her head slowly.
"Dina… go to bed… tomorrow is Saturday and we'd have
all day to play"
"Really? You'd play with me? Tomorrow?" Her face
glowed as she asked the question and who could say no to that her adorable
face.
"I'd play with you tomorrow, next tomorrow and any day
you want us to play" she giggled at what I said and jumped on my neck and gave
me a kiss on the check before resting her head on my shoulder.
I wish I could take them away from all of this forever
but I've tried to be available to both of them. I realized a few years ago that
I had to be the mother and the father sometimes for them and not thinking about
my own needs.
Standing up from bed I walked to the door and opened
it checking left and right before stepping into the hallway of the house and
going to their room next door.
Our mother wanted to get them bunk beds but I told her
not to and to make two small beds for them seeing as that won't come with the
risk of anyone in the top bunk falling and breaking one or two bones. Placing
her on her bed, I covered her up and patted her back to get her to settle down
and sleep.
Just as she started to drift off to sleep the sound of
a glass smashing on the floor made her
jerk up before she finally settled down to sleep back. I hate the way things
worked her, the little kids have become so desensitized to loud noises of any
kind.
"God…" I sighed under my breath before shaking my head
and wondering if there's even a God up there and is watching all this happening
to little kids.
"Good night" I whispered into her ear before adjusting
the blanket on her and going over to Dylan sleeping in the weirdest way I've
ever seen before adjusting him on the bed and covering his body pecking him and
saying a good night to him also.
I switched off the light in the room before going out
of the room to the now silent hallway going towards my room.
"Why are you still awake?" I tensed up when I heard my
father's voice from somewhere in the parlor.
"I just woke up and went to check on the kids" I
didn't turn back to face him because I didn't want to see his face or look cinto
his eyes.
"You shouldn't be awake by this time… go to bed"
"Yes sir"
That was all I could say before I opened the door to
my room and slipped inside the room. He couldn't be seriously asking me
something like that, who can sleep above the loud noise they make almost every
night?
How the twins can even sleep is beyond me with how
loud the house gets most nights. Laying on my bed I sighed not before taking my
a pod out from my EarPod case and playing the podcast I was listening to before
Dina came into my room.
I tried not to think about how everything has been for
the past years and imagine the happier times but thinking the twins never saw
those times brought a damper on my mood as I drifted off to sleep with the
podcast humming in the back ground.
***
I hate the holidays with a passion that's different
except holidays when we get to go to our Grandparents house but this holiday
they weren't going to be available for most of it. My Aunties didn't want us to
come to their houses for the holiday because they say their kids are going to
their grandparents house from their father's side.
Our father's parents never have time for us that much,
and that's okay because people have other things going on that doesn't involve
us. But that didn't make the holidays any better to go through.
At least during school time, myself and the twins
would have school work to take our minds off things and even have our friends
to play with at school but the holidays didn't afford us anything like that.
I didn't want to catch any subs or cause another fight
between the parents so I had woken up early to do all the house chores and wake
up the twins and even bath them before my mother dragged herself out of bed by nine
o'clock that morning.
I couldn't figure out for the life of me what to make
for the twins so I made tea and sandwich for them before switching the TV on
for them to watch.
"Diana… you've done all of it this morning" mother
said from the passage that connected the kitchen to the dining area and I
didn't look back and didn't reply her.
"Have you eaten?" She called out after a few minutes
of silence and I sighed before speaking up
"Good morning Mom… I only made toast bread for myself
and the twins" I called back to her before standing up from the chair and going
towards her to greet her.
"Okay that's fine…" she called from the kitchen and I
went to meet her there and she looked a whole mess. Seeing her with her hair in
a bonnet, her under eye black and a small cut on her arm, she looked vastly
different from the woman I am used to seeing with so much confidence and that's
always put together.
"What's it?" She asked me after noticing that I'd been
standing there for a while just looking at her and I shook my head swallowing
my spit looking away from her.
"Nothing Mom"
"Come here…" she said extending her hands out for me,
even though I didn't want to go into her embrace. I did anyway and approached
her as she held my shoulder and brought me closer to her.
"Why do stiff?" She asked me leaning back to look into
my face and I just tried to smile and shake my head in the negative.
"Nothing Mom" I remember how I used to be so close to
my mom, she used to be my best friend but after a while I began to see the
pattern.
"I am sorry for all this" she said with her head on
top mine. What's she sorry for?
"For what?" I asked trying to feign ignorance at what
she was apologizing for because she always had something to apologize for and
nothing ever changed.
"Everything… the way things are." She took a long
pause as if waiting for me to talk but I had nothing to say about the matter at
hand.
"You know I am working to make this better for all of
us…" she said putting me away from her embrace to look into my eyes and I tried
to keep it blank like I usually do whenever I talked to my father.
"Us?" I asked raising my brow at her and she shook her
head
"Yes… you… me and the twins" she said bringing her
hand up to my face and stroking my cheek with her fingers.
"Mom… let's just cook" I stepped out of her personal
space and towards the kitchen island not wanting her to see the pain in my
eyes.
"Diana…"
"Mom… please…"
I managed out clearing my throat to clear away the tears
threatening to fall from my eyes. I have come to be sick and tired of the empty
promises, the lies and the manipulation from both of them.
I didn't want anymore of the lies from them, I don't
know if they would ever come to see how much pain and heartache they were
spreading through the family tree but I guess they both too wrapped up in their
own mess to care about anybody else but themselves. I've never wanted to call
her selfish but by each passing month I've concluded that they are just that
selfish and vile!