EVENING breeze was cool bringing with it humidity, the
sun was starting to set casting everything into a yellow haze. I remember
earlier that day when I was having a conversation with my mother and her trying
to have a conversation with me.
I know it must be hard for her too but she doesn't see
or maybe she has come to make up enough excuses for herself that it wasn't
affecting us as much.
"Diana!!!" Dylan was screaming my name before I felt
the ball hit me in the side of my stomach causing me to double over the pain
shooting through my side and straight to my brain.
"OMG!" Dina said as they both to me with Dina at my
right and Dylan at my left holding onto my shoulder. They sounded so concerned
and kept firing questions at me.
"Are you okay?"
"Do you need water?"
"Any broken bones?"
"I am sorry, Diana"
"We are sorry Diana"
I took deep breathes trying to regulate my pain and
not cry for them to see because it didn't hurt that much, it just caught me off
guard.
"It's fine y'all! But next time give me the heads up"
I wheezed out through the pain and looking into their hands to see the concern
on their faces.
"I thought you wanted to play… I am so sorry Diana!"
Dylan looked really apologetic as he spoke with his tears already selling up in
his eyes.
"Please don't hit me…" he choked out just as the tears
in his eyes started to spill out. Kneeling down so we were all the same height
I gathered the both of them into my arms. The fact that Dylan thinks I'd hit
him and that broke my heart instantly because I hoped they'd know I'd never hit
them.
"Dylan… Dina! I'd never hit you… maybe when we are
doing our pillow fights but I'd never hit you. It was an accident, yes and I
know that I'd never hit you" I said to them looking into their eyes keeping eye
contact with one of them at a time.
"But…"
"No Buts Dina… I won't ever hit you… and it's not
right to hit anyone in anger… and I wasn't angry just in pain" I cut her off
not wanting her to bring her small girl logic into the conversation we were
having.
"I am really sorry Diana" Dylan said looking truly apologetic
and I smiled at them, picking the ball as I stood up.
"Come on! I am ready! Let's play the ball!!!" I tried
not to scream but just raise my voice enough to cheer them up from the sad
moment we just had.
"Yes!!!" They both said in unison dusting their
emotions off and going to take their stands with Dylan by the post and Dina at
the middle playing defender and striker for some reason.
"If we win you… we'd get ice cream!" Dina said as I
shot the ball towards her and she stopped it before shooting it back towards
me.
"Nobody told me anything about ice cream in this game
o" I said to them mentally trying to figure out what we had in the fridge and
if there is any ice cream there.
"Well… we make the rules as we go" Dylan said
obviously not having any idea about the condition but agreeing anyway because
it was something favorable to him.
"You guys should come inside" Mom's voice called from the
side door of the house connected to the kitchen where she was making dinner for
the family. She insisted I not worry and go play with my siblings so she
doesn't have to worry about them going out of the gate.
"Okay Mom" I said looking away from the kids
"Goal"
Was all I heard before looking back to the kids and
seeing the ball was now in the court and they had found a way to score.
"No that's not right! I wasn't even looking" I
exclaimed to them but they just giggled and ran into the house through the
front door and I laughed running after them.
"No outside shoes inside…. Go take a shower so we can
have dinner…" mom called from the kitchen making the kids take a minute to
remove their outside slippers by the door before putting on this slides.
"Okay Mom…" the both of them said going to their rooms
and I went after them knowing they couldn't take their bath on their own they'd
literally flood the whole bathroom.
"Don't touch the tap!!!" I called from behind them
before running into the bathroom with them hearing their laughter as they both
opened the tap.
After the shower, I dressed them both in their pajamas
and we all filled to the dinning table where my was sat and waiting for us to
come join her.
"Thanks Mom!" Dina said as soon as she sat down at the
table rubbing her hands together with happiness.
"Aren't we waiting for Dad?" Dylan asked not looking
as happy as Dina is about the food.
"Dylan… he's not coming home tonight… he's had to work
late" Mom replied him adding a smile as she spoke trying to mask the pain in
her own eyes.
"Why?…" Dylan asked not looking up from the spot he
had chosen to look at on the glass table.
"It's nothing serious, something about work" mother
said nonchalantly removing her hand from the table and placing it on her lap.
"Or is it because you guys do nothing but fight? All
day?" Dylan asked looking up from the table to hold eye contact with Mom as if
challenging her to tell him he's wrong.
"Dylan…" mom called out his name before taking a deep
breath and looking at her plate.
"It's just unfair… all you guys ever do is fight…"
Dylan said still not looking away from mom where she sat at the table.
"Dylan… you don't get to…" mom started talking just as
Dylan stood up from the chair and ran to the room leaving the food and table
behind.
"That boy!" Mom said rubbing her hand over her hair, I
looked at Dina and she just seemed sad all the happiness gone from her posture
and eyes.
"I'd go check on him…" I said making a move to stand
up from the chair and mom nodded.
"Tell him… we won't eat until he comes back to this
table! That was rude!" Mom said the frustration showing in her voice and I just
nodded before leaving the table and walking to the door of the room he and Dina
shared. I knocked on the door trying to signal that I was coming into the room
to find him on the bed crying.
"Dylan…" I made sure my voice was soft and encouraging
trying to draw him to me.
"Go away!" He said through the sobs
"Dylan…" I walked to him on the bed and sat down next
to his laying body as he sobbed and resting my hand on his shoulder rubbing it
lightly.
"Why can't they just be together without fighting?
Shouting! I hate it so much!" He said through the sobs and I pulled him up and
put him into my lap.
"I understand it hurts so much… I do!" I said rubbing his shoulders over and over again trying to calm him down because even if I look at it anyway. He's entitled to his emotion and he is only a small boy, a small boy growing up in a violent environment.
"Why don't they just leave each other… it's better yh?" He sat up before asking me the question looking into my eyes, he probably didn't know how much of a tight corner he had me in.
"It's not that simple in this case…"
"Why? You always tell Dina and me that we should leave any situation that might come with violence… to… to de… de what is it again?" He asked looking up at me confused about the last word he was trying to remember and I just gave him a small smile.
"De-escalate… but this situation is different Dylan… let's go eat" I said standing up from the bed and extending my hands to him because I didn't know what to say to him.
"I shouldn't have done that earlier, I am sorry Diana" he said to me standing up from the bed to take my hand.
"You'd have to apologize to Mom and Dina at the table. They are waiting for us to come before they eat" I said to him and he nodded his head as we both walked out of the room to table where he dutifully apologized and we said a prayer before we started eating.
Dina wasn't her usual chatty self at the table that night and we all just ate in gloom. I didn't want to start a conversation myself before I didn't want my mother to feel like I was putting her on the spot with her two younger kids at the table.
***
ANYTIME I remember that I was only fifteen myself and literally raising my kids, I'd laugh at myself and sometimes cry about everything. My mother really tried to make it seem like she had everything together, but I and my siblings knew that wasn't the case.
My mother Samantha was born into a humble background and she worked her way to being the HR of the company she worked for. She loved her job so much and having followed her to work once, I knew she was a no nonsense woman at work and she didn't take shit from anybody.
Seeing at home, arguing with my Dad and the bother them just being toxic to each other I was vexed and disappointed in them. I know mother had figured out a way to bring herself to believe that we didn't see anything that was going on between them and I've managed to keep it on the downlow.
"Diana would you be available for the party tomorrow?" My friend Gloria asked me standing at the side of the park where I was with my young siblings watching them play.
We were five in my friend group from school, myself, Gloria, Queen, Seyi and Eve. We've been friends since junior secondary school and had been inseparable since then.
"Which party?" I asked them having being privy to any party going on during the holiday.
"You always get the gist last… the party Kunle is throwing for his birthday" Eve said slapping my shoulder
"His parents aren't around for the week so he's conniving with his elder brother to throw the party for he's birthday!" Seyi added giddy and jumping lighting where she stood next to Eve.
"Oh… I didn't know anything about that" I said to them glancing quickly to where Dylan and Dina was playing with Eve's younger siblings.
"How would you know…" Gloria said laughing lightly after
"When is this party? As in time?" Queen asked speaking up for the first time since we met up at the park that evening.
"He said it'd start around three and till about nine at night…" Eve said being the always outside one she was, she was always ready with the latest news and gist.
"She won't be able to come…" Queen interjected pointing at me before hissing and turning away.
I looked around the group confused in time to catch Gloria pinching Queen's hand and Queen swatted her hand away.
"What do you mean?" I asked confused at the attitude she was showing to me.
"Do we have any fight before?" I asked again wondering why everyone in the group suddenly became quite.
"Don't mind her jare, Diana… she's maybe had a bad day" Seyi said taking my hand and giving it a light squeeze as if trying to reassure me.
"Better tell her the truth" Queen said giving me a nasty eye.
"What's happening that y'all aren't telling me???" I asked matter of factly looking again from each of their faces to the next.
"If they won't tell you… I would…" Queen said before looking at Gloria who shook her head as if to signal "no"
"Stop trying to keep me from talking…" Queen said pointing her finger warningly at Gloria who just sighed and looked away.
"What do you want to say???" I asked Queen just wanting to get this ackwardness over with and let her talk.
"We don't invite you to all this parties happening because we know you won't come…" she said to me her hands on her chest with a look of contempt on her face.
"Of course I would come…" I said to her looking her over
"Of course you'd come… but you aren't the only one with younger siblings and you don't have to bring them everywhere! Eve has younger ones even Seyi and Gloria but you don't see them bringing their younger siblings to ever gathering with their friends! It's annoying to have to be watching kids when we should be having fun!" Queen said here voice getting louder towards the end of that she was saying making me just stand there.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked from the other girls standing around trying to understand if they were on board with this.
"Diana… I told Queen your mom works… and you don't have a nanny" Seyi said standing up for me and I just took a deep breath taking a step back and releasing a deep breath.
"Seyi stop… you are always making excuses for her all the time. Gloria's family party she came with her siblings! She isn't the only one with siblings!" Queen replied Seyi her eyes looking very hostile.
"We don't mean it in any harsh way, we just don't want you bringing your siblings everywhere with you" Eve said using a softer voice as if she could change the way everything had sounded.
"Don't take this in a bad way…" Gloria said trying to reach for my hand and I just stepped away from them.
"It's fine… I understand…" I said standing there looking at them with Queen looking at me her look now more calm.
"I am not saying you shouldn't hang out with us anymore. It's just like a burden…" Queen added trying to make the situation but that just blew me off and took the lid off the emotions I had taped away.
"Queen… you can talk down on me all you want but I won't take you calling my siblings burdens. I don't have to hangout with y'all if you don't think you want to hang with me anymore but leave my siblings out of this." I said trying not to raise my voice and draw the twins' attention to me.
"Don't… you don't have to hang out with me.., you don't have to… I can't leave my siblings home alone because I'd like to have fun. Thanks for putting up with me and my "burdens"…" I said making a finger quote when I said the word burdens.
"… you don't have to hang out with me if you don't want to. There you have it…" I said to them making sure to hold eye contact with each of them before walking away and calling on to the twins.
"Let's go home…" I said to them holding one of the them in each hand and walking out of the park. I understand that we are all teenage girls and want to live our life's to the fullest but they don't have to hangout with me.
I'd get the memo and move on from the friendship, I stopped a few meters away from the park and the tears began to drop from my eyes.
"Are you okay??" Dina asked me and I just sighed cleaning my tears off
"Yes I am fine… let's go home to see a movie" I said to them as we began to walk again to the house. I've lost the only friends I have, they were more or less the distraction I had from my daily life.
Except from the twins they made me laugh and kept me up with the latest happenings and I at least felt a bit more like a teenager around them than feelings a mom.
I loved my siblings but I didn't want to have to be a mom to them and I've being a mom to them since I was thirteen or there about trying to shield them away from everything wrong going on in the house.
I just wanted to be a normal teenage girl… making friends, talking to boys and living my life. I looked down at the twins and I knew I just couldn't leave them alone to figure of life on their own in such an environment.