My ears were ringing, my mind was swamped with different thoughts just as everything began to fall into place for me. The way he looked at me, him ignoring me from when I was younger, he never congratulated my achievements or acknowledge me. I tried to always do better in school thinking maybe then he'd look at me the same way he looked at them, the twins.
For almost nine years of my life, I almost never saw what fatherly love could look like until the twins were born. I foolishly thought it was because I was a boy that he didn't acknowledge me but he always acknowledged Dina and that crushed whatever hope I held out about him ever seeing me or loving me.
But this… this set everything into place for me, no wonder he never had that love for me. No wonder everything I did was never enough for him and he always found trouble with everything I did.
"Diana don't listen to him" mom's voice managed to penetrate the fog that clouded my mind and I looked up towards where she stood.
"Better tell her the truth and don't let be living a lie!" Dad… can I even call him that? The man I had thought was my father all through the year spoke to my mom.
"Don't be such a baby! Don't talk to our daughter like that" mom said an obvious look of panic in here eyes as she spoke trying to salvage what she could of the situation.
Can it be true?
"Don't use our!!! She not mine! And you know it! Tell her the truth" he said his voice loud and I looked at the hallway seeing if the twins were inside the room still and hadn't come out.
"Henry! Stop!!! Are you drunk?" Mom asked stepping a bit closer to him and he turned around laughing loudly before turning back to face my mom.
"I am not drunk and you know I am not drunk! Stop being such a pussy and tell your…" he pointed at her chest after coming closer to her "… your daughter the truth about who her father is"
"Stop it…" mom said wriggling her finger at him as if he was a small child.
"Mom…" my voice came out as a little above a whisper
"Henry…"
"Mom!" I called my voice louder than usual which drew her attention to me with a soft look in her eyes!
"Is he saying the truth??" I asked her my voice a bit lower than when I called her name.
"Diana…"
"Mom just answer me… truthfully" I said cutting off and not letting her say what she had to say finish.
"Diana… Henry can you see what you've caused??" She called my name before turning away from me to look at the man I've called my father for the longest time.
"Caused?? I've just decided to stop living a lie and it's what I've done?" He replied her glaring daggers at her where she stood.
"And this is the right way to go about it?"
"How else is the right way to go about it?? Write a mail to her? Kneel down to tell her??" He asked my mom before sitting back down on the couch he had stood up from.
I shook my head vigorously as I proceeded to stand up from the couch I was sitting on and began to walk towards my room.
"Diana…" mom called trying to reach for me but I pulled my arm away and continued walking to my room.
"Diana… don't…" she stopped talking and watched me go into my room and I shut the door before locking it behind me and slide down the door sitting right in front of the door.
I let the tears fall and felt my whole self shatter, my identity… my life everything was all fake built on a lie.
"Henry!!! You can't be serious?? Why would you say that?" Moms voice came through the locked door and I knew the both of them were going to argue for the rest of the night.
"Why would I say what?? I've tried! I put up with that bastard for fifteen years! I tried!" He countered her not even thinking about keeping his voice down or considering that I could hear him loud and clear through the flimsy barrier that was the door.
"So?? Didn't we have this conversation even before we got married??!! You are just a coward and a useless man!" She immediately shot back at him and I tried to put my hands over my years to keep their raging voices out of my ears and my head.
Bastard? Me?? Am I a bastard? I couldn't believe it. Why didn't they tell me? Why didn't mom tell me? Why did it have to come to this? My chest began to ache me badly, I could feel my heart aching wishing my rib cage.
It hurt so much I took my hands off my ears to rub my chest lightly at first and I began to go faster trying to make the ache go away.
"Go away… go away… go away… go away" I whispered over again as I increased the intensity with which I rubbed my chest.
"It hurts… it hurts so bad…" I say after a few minutes of just rubbing my chest and I began to lay down on the floor. I laid on the floor by my side and continued to rub my chest, the pain didn't seem to subside. It just became more and that's when I started feeling the tears falling from my eyes, the tears continued to fall over and over and I tried to stop it but it won't stop.
"Stop… stop…" I whispered but it only made the tears come out more and faster, the pain in my chest and the tears was too much for me to handle and I started to feel light headed just as I slipped into a state of unconsciousness.
***
It's been three days after that terrible night and I literally haven't left my room since that night. I remember waking up the following morning with a banging head and aches all over my body. I remember dragging myself back to the bed and sitting for a few minutes with my head between my hands and my thoughts racing. Racing at the pace of a train as several thoughts flooded my already crowded mind. I remember that morning I had taken myself to the bathroom and had my bath with the shower and stayed under for almost an hour.
And for the whole hour, I cried endlessly under the shower till I felt my eyes empty and my body light before going back to the room.
But now almost four days later and still in my room, everyday mom would come to my door and beg me to come out. I ignored her not wanting to see her face and even the sound of her voice sounding like pins in my eye.
Hearing the twins calling for me for the past days was painful but I couldn't look at them the same way or could I? They were wanted and loved, they belonged here while I don't even deserve to share the same surname with them. Would they even still consider me their older sister after they find out about this?
I couldn't find my place in life, couldn't even maintain my place amongst my friends and now I can't even maintain my place in the family I thought was mine, in the family I thought I belonged with.
"How did it get like this?" I asked no one in particular as I gazed out of the window not looking anywhere in particular.
"Diana…" I heard Dina's voice call from outside the window, looking down I saw her tiny face looking me concerned with tears in her eyes.
"Dina…" I said blinking back tears from my eyes as I looked at her seeing it now, that I didn't look like them even to the hair on my head.
"I am sorry if we made you mad. Please come out… you haven't being out of the room in four days. Please come out" she said keeping her tiny voice leveled and tears falling from her eyes.
"Please Diana" Dylan's voice said from beside her coming into frame after he had spoken. He looked tired and they both pleaded with me with their eyes.
"Diana… we know you are hurting but let us in… I swear you'd feel better. We even made you lunch" Dina said making a choking sound as she began to sob causing me to sob and Dylan also joined us.
And just like that, we all began to sob… I could see the hurt in their eyes. They were only kids weren't they? And if they don't accept me, I'd understand why they didn't but I could stand to see them this hurt.
Nodding my head slightly I responded to them
"Okay… okay I'd come out" I said to them and they looked at me as if asking if I am sure their little eyes looking at me with so much hope.
"I'd come out now" I said standing up from the bed just has they ran away from the window and I heard the main door open. I hesitated before walking to my bedroom door and unlocking the door but leaving it close. Could I take this? Could I take seeing them?
I opened the door and stepped out of the room to see the both of them standing there with a tray in their hands.
"What's that??" I asked
"Food…" Dina said looking at me with tears still flowing from her eyes.
"We made food for you… like you do for us" Dylan said after her as they both walked towards me putting the tray out to me.
"Thanks…" I said collecting it from them, putting the tray on the floor I went closer to the both of them and brought them into a tight hug. I'd missed them and I couldn't believe I let my own insecurities take me away from them. Were they even insecurities or fears?
"We are so sorry you were feeling hurt." Dylan said looking up at me trying to gauge my reaction and I tried to give them a small smile.
"And… we wanted you to have time to yourself to gather yourself" Dina said not taking her head up to look at me but she just rested her head on my chest.
"I am sorry…"
"Don't be sorry… your emotions are valid!" Dylan said cutting me off from apologizing fully and that even brought fresh tears to my eyes.
"I've missed you guys… so much" I said giving both of them a peck on the forehead before sitting down on the floor with Dylan on my right lap and Dina on the left.
"What did you guys do?" I asked them wanting to catch up on everything they had done for the days I was holed up in my room.
"Nothing… we just watched TV and napped" Dina said shrugging her shoulder and o brought her closer again to me.
"I am sorry I wasn't available for you guys" I tried apologizing but Dylan just shook his head at me.
"We heard what happened the other night… you… you have every reason to want to be on your own. And we understand that with you" he said before tapping Dina lightly on the hand and mouthing to her
"Talk…"
"We are so sorry for what happened that night, we'd understand if you don't want us around you anymore. But we just wanted you to know that you would always be our big sister and you are even more than that to us" Dina said just as Dylan began talking next.
"We know dad isn't a nice man and we would understand if you don't want to be with us anymore like you used to but we've always love you and you'd always be our big sister" Dylan said as they both looked up at me with hope in their eyes causing me to stand crying.
They don't see me as a bastard… they don't see me as not being one of them. They love me still! They don't see me as a bastard.
"You guys really… you really don't consider me an outsider?" I asked looking from one little face to the other and they shook their heads in the negative.
"We don't see you as anything but our own sister and even more. You've trained us and we even spend more time with you than both our parents combined" Dina said her eyes filled so much hope and love, she was looking at me with hope and love. Me!
"Oh my God! You guys just made me the most happiest I've ever being" I said gathering the both of them into my arms and kidding their cheeks as I laughed . Happy and glad that they didn't think of me as an outsider or consider me as a bastard.
I kept on kissing from one to the other with tears running down my face, tears of relief and happiness that i could still be considered by them as family.