Laying in bed a night about two weeks after the whole talk in the pack. Queen's words echoed in my mind over and over, I didn't know they felt that way about me and having me around. I thought I was trying my hardest to not make them think I was too much for them. Even on the group we created on WhatsApp, they never for once mentioned anything about that.
Does that mean they have another group where they talk about all the things they don't want me to know?
"Arrrrgggghhhh" I shouted into my pillow trying to slow my beating heart that was threatening to explode from the pain I was feeling.
I couldn't imagine that they thought bringing my siblings around was cramping their style, I had made sure to tell them to be quiet and be in the shadows and not draw any attention but I guess I was wrong.
Picking up my phone I decided to scroll through their social media pages, I saw that they had taken numerous photos and posted it all over their social media platforms.
Tears threatened to fall from my eyes as I scrolled from one of their pages to the next, I couldn't believe I've lost friends just like that. I thought we had a bond between us and they were my friends after all.
"Why can't I just be… a teenager" I whispered shutting off my phone and turning to my side, sighing loudly.
A small knock on the door to my room made me look that way, causing me to sit up and wait for another knock and it did come. Who could be at my door by this time of the night? Picking up my phone I checked the time and it read
10:45
Boldly on the phone and I sighed before asking
"Who's there?"
The door opened and my mother walked into the room, she was still clad in her work clothes as she stepped into the room only illuminated by the small bed lamp. She reached over to switch on the light and I shook my head in the negative as she brought her hand down to her sides before walking closer to me.
"I heard rustling as I walked by… why aren't you asleep?" She asked sounding concerned for me and I just shook my head before signing loudly and looking away.
"I was just getting around to it" I said to her adjusting the blanket to be on my lap and looking at her as she drew the chair out of the table before bringing it to my front.
"You don't sound well…" Mom said before pausing what she was saying to look into my eyes.
"You didn't go out yesterday…" she continued watching me intently and I just chuckled
"Go out to where?" I asked her shifting back to rest my back on the wall of my room.
"With you friends… I heard there was a party the other night…" she said not taking her eyes off me and I just shrugged my shoulders not giving her any replies.
"Didn't you know about it?" She aaked me still not taking her eyes off me.
"Mom, how do you know about a party and I don't?" I asked her trying to act like I was ignorant about the whole party thing while keeping my emotions under control.
"Habah, you know Seyi's mom is my friend. She told me her daughter was going for a party and I remembered she is your friend and I even came home early to see if you'd be going…" my mom said taking a deep breath and releasing it slowly.
I looked her over still clad in her very fancy work gown with her hair in a plait to enable her to be able to wear her wig well without it slipping. She looked like a boss babe, even with the wig and with her in her fluffy slippers.
"When did you start involving yourself in teenagers parties?" I asked her a question raising my brows lightly.
"Not involving myself, I figured that since Seyi was going that could only mean the rest of your friends would be there also. Why didn't you attend?" She asked me reaching to hold my hand and I gave it to her wanting just a little comfort from my mom.
"I didn't plan to attend anyway" I said to her trying to convince myself more than I was trying to convince her.
"Why? It's the holidays… you should be attending at least one party" mom said caressing my hand in a loving way a mother would her daughter and I just chuckled lightly.
"Aren't you the one always telling me to face my studies?"
"Well I know I tell you that but it's the holidays and you should go out there and be a teenager" she said swinging my arms lightly with her hold on my hands.
"Mom… I just don't wish to go for the party… that's all" I said to her removing my hands from her's before treading them through each other.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes mom… I am sure" I said fidgeting with my fingers to distract myself from the sadness swelling from my stomach.
"What did you have for dinner?" She asked watching me intently still and I looked at her for only a while before reaching for my phone.
"I made rice, yours and dad's is in the cooler"
"Awwwn… thanks my darling" she said reaching for my face before softly caressing it, she looked into my eyes with a pang of sadness in hers before standing up and putting the chair back into the table.
"Have a good night my darling"
"Have a good night mom" I said sitting up watching her walk out of the room and only after hearing the click of the door knob did I let my body rest and let the tears flow.
From the pictures they posted, it looked like they did have a whole of fun at the party. Even Eve got to hang out with her crush from the pictures, maybe I shouldn't have blown off on them like that.
But the way Queen talked to me, I didn't like it and she made it seem like she was better than me. Wasn't she better than me anyways? She had a happy family, her parents seemed to be genuinely in love and not just for the image.
She always talked about how her parents provided for her and her siblings, she talked about how they often could be seen showing affection to themselves. Wasn't she better than me?
She could stand her own when she was being spoken to in a way she didn't like… she wasn't scared to say her mind. But I wasn't any of that, I was timid, anxious and shy. Queen and the rest didn't have to think about not being able to sleep because her parents couldn't quit shouting for most of the night or even days.
I haven't seen my father in about five days and he didn't even call me or message me at any point. They all had it better than I do and maybe I should just let them have their friendship… not like I was that important to them anyway.
I rested my head on my pillow as the tears began to flow from my eyes, they were the only friends I had and the only wants that hung out with me besides my siblings. I willed for sleep to come as I continued to cry and it eventually came after about twenty minutes of me sobbing my eyes out.
***
After a week of been away, my father finally returned home one Tuesday morning and he seemed to be in a much better mood than I've seen him in a few weeks. Dylan was the most excited with having him back and I couldn't care much about him being around or not. It's not like he talked to me anytime that he I was around the house, he treated me almost like a wall art and I didn't exist.
Thinking back to when I was younger, I couldn't help but wish back for those days, when he would come home from work with a special gift for me and my mom with a huge smile on his face
"Diana…" he called from the sitting room making me leap from my chair in fear and confusion as to why he was calling me.
"Yes sir" I replied him stalling for a moment to hear if he'd call out an errand for me but he just stayed silent and I walked towards where he sat on the couch watching the evening news on the television.
"When is resumption?" He asked catching me off guard but I quickly bounced back and replied him.
"In two weeks time, Sir"
I had learnt the hard way to always add a "Sir" whenever I talked to him after he slapped me across the face about two years ago. Mother got into an argument with him that night and I felt so guilty that I was the cause of the fight that night.
"Okay… okay… how much is your school fees?" He asked and Dylan looked up at me from where he sat by his side giving me a small smile but my father never looked up at me.
"Three hundred and forty five thousand, Sir" I replied him keeping my eyes fixed on the couch next to Dylan who had my fathers arm wrapped around him.
"This is second term yes?"
"Yes sir? We are going into the third"
"Okay… okay…" he said to me his eyes still glued to the TV in front of him and I just stood there waiting for her to either acknowledge me or dismiss me but he just stayed mute for a few minutes.
Dylan looked from Dad to me confused as to the dynamics of what was happening in front of him, I gave him a small smile trying to reassure him.
"You can leave…" he said to me in almost a whisper and I sighed
"Thanks sir" I said back to him turning my back to walk away from him with my shoulder slumped. He didn't even look at me once since he had come into the house.
"Dad…" I turned back to face him where he sat and called out his name.
"Ehn Ehn" he answered me his eyes still fixed on the television screen.
"I wanted to ask if I could sight up to learn a trade…" I had thought about this long and hard before bringing the matter up with him.
"Learn a trade?" He asked in disbelief but still didn't remove his eyes from the TV set in front of him, this excited a bit of anger within me.
"Yes… I haven't decided yet" I said to him watching as he slowly turned towards me and I knew if the room wasn't so loud, I would have heard his bones creaking.
"Why?" He asked looking me up and down slowly making me step back a bit.
"I figured since I don't have much doing I could learn a skill" I said to him before quickly adding "Sir" to the end of the sentence.
"Much doing??? Shouldn't you be taking care of the house?" He asked raising his eyebrows at me, his question made me curl my hand into a ball tightly. I wish I could hit him square across the face but I knew he'd just beat me up… like he does Mom.
"Dad… even after taking care of the house, I usually have much time left just doing nothing" I said trying to clear everything up for him.
"Then occupy yourself with something…" he said eyeing me up and down with a look in his eyes that I couldn't quite lay my hands on.
"That's why I am asking you for your permission to learn something else… a skill, Sir" I said to him my voice going lower at the end of the sentence to him.
"I won't be spending more than it's worth on you for any reason… if school and house chores aren't enough to fill your time then spend the rest reading… don't you have senior WAEC coming up?" He asked me the anger vibrating from his body as he brushed Dylan aside and stood up towering over me.
"Sir… WAEC isn't until about a year for me. I just want to have something to do" I said not willing to back down from my stand and just wanting to ask him to do something nice for me.
"Don't talk back to me…" he said raising his hand and hitting me across the face, I held the side of my face looking into his eyes with shock.
But… but I wasn't talking back to him? Or was I?? It didn't seem like I was talking back to him.
"I decide what would happen and when! Don't talk back to me…" he said the ruckus from Dina shouting loudly when he hit me and Dylan holding on to his leg and saying daddy stop must have drew my mother to the sitting area where she saw me holding my face with tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
"Babe…" mom said coming to stand between myself and my dad wondering what was happening between us.
"Don't freaking Babe me… your useless child doesn't know more than to be a burden" he said pointing his finger at me where I stood still stunned before I dropped my hand from my face and looking down at Dina where she held my legs.
"Don't call our daughter useless snd she isn't a burden! What's wrong with you" mom said keeping her voice calm and leveled and she looked down at the twins.
"Go to you room… keep the doors closed" mom said to them in a no nonsense voice and they both nodded before running into their rooms.
"Don't stand there defending that child to me… and don't you dare call her mine! We both know the truth" he said anger evident in his voice and his stand. Did he just tell her not to him my father? Did my father just tell my mother not to call him my father.
"Don't say something like that to our daughter! That's all I know" mom said keeping her voice firm and unwavering.
"I said don't call that bastard my daughter!" Daddy's voice rang out over the voices of the anchors on the news.
"Stop!"
"She's not mine! And we both know it!"
My head began to swam with lots of thoughts as I became light headed and dizzy. I slowly stepped back away from my mother's back and took a seat on the nearest chair that I could find. I felt my body sink into the couch but my mind didn't stop sinking into the plush cushion that was slowly but surely wrapping itself around my mind and my head.
It's all a lie!