After the funeral, i caught a cold. I lay in bed for nearly three weeks but when i am up, i still have a stuffy nose. Outside it's time for winter. My heart like the snowy weather had turn cold and hard.
Liu Xue An comes to visit. He decided to move to a county near the desert. He told me he is tired. He doesn't want glory or a lot of fortune. He wants a peaceful and comfortable life. He is planning to open up a small business. I wish i can follow him. I think that is the kind of life i want. So many years ago, i thought that marry Chung'er i will be an ordinary wife. Maybe poor but will be happy, at least. Who can i blame this tragic fate? My parents? My sister? Or god?
I sit in front of the mirror and look at it. Sometimes i talk to her. That is how i can see my only sister. Most of the time she looks sad just like when she is alive. My mother told me that she is happy the day she goes out and the day she see me. When i am feeling well enough, i start to paint. Instead of flowers, i painted two girls one standing the other siting down. One smiling the other is not. I try to draw them identical with different colour dresses. This is how my sister and i should be. Tradition and superstition had keep us apart most of our lives. This painting will keep us together and confirm our existence in this world. Quietly, after the painting is dry up, i roll it up and place it together with the other paintings. The drawing is kept in our room now. Forever a secret till someone see it.
Despite the heavy snow, despite my unwell condition, little peach and i move to the palace. We are given a huge mansion, the name is everlasting beauty. Little peach and i start to live a life together in the mansion with a lot of strange rules. We are given with a lot of charcoal to burn to keep warm. Eventually i hang up more cloths over the window to block the harsh cold wind. Because everywhere in the mansion is big, the heat is not enough. Still we manage to stay warm by living and occupying one room. Little peach learn to play in the snow while keeping warm. Eunuchs come in every day to provide enough food and charcoal. Occasionally i hear some woman laughter outside the wall.
The days grow longer and harder to live in. Little peach and i are left alone most of the time. We spend out time playing or teaching little peach to read and write. Whatever i know i try my best to teach her. Whatever i don't know i ask the eunuch if he knows. Sometimes i play the GuQin, out of boredom. Little peach will sit bed me and watch in amaze. On the day of the winter solstice, we are invited into the royal hall for the celebration. I dress little peach up and remind her on manners.
"Will there be good food?" She ask with her eyes open wide. "Plenty of meat." She smile and dance around. "Then i will behave for it!"
We arrived at the main hall. Of course the royal family and officers started to gossip. Little peach is not effected by it, she is enjoying the pastry before her. I just have to pretend that i did not see nor hear anything. I know the emperor and empress is watching therefore i have to put up with everything. If there is a chance to return to the outside world, i will do anything. The celebration goes on with a lot of food, dances and finally the fireworks.
Soon we have to prepare for the Lunar New Year, My missing husband is still no where to be found. I personally believe that he is not dead at all. Like my father say, he have a tough life. He had survive a few battlefield. This round should be the same. It is snowing heavily, wherever he is, i hope there is a kind person who can give him shelter and warm clothes.
Lunar New year, we all pay respect to the dowager in the morning. Later to the emperor and empress. While little peach is enjoying her food with the dowager, the empress seek me out. I follow her to the side of the hall. "Take a seat."
"Thank you your majestic."
"How is your living mansion? Is it good enough?"
"Yes. Your majestic."
"As you know that i am incharge of the harem. Unexpectedly, Prince Xian is dead..."
"He is not dead. There is no body to cremate."
"There is no use denying. It's more than one year. There is no sighting. Lady Su, you have to stay sane. You have his daughter to care for. You have to learn to protect her. "
"I know what to do ..."
"You don't know a thing. This is the palace. Not like outside these walls. In order for the protection for that child, you have to do more."
"what do i have to do?"
"What a woman do. Please the man on that dragon throne." She said that and stare intensively in my eyes and her finger lift up and pointed to the emperor. "Please him no end, your daughter will grow up safely even without her father. My emperor desire woman. I have to understand that. For hundred of century, all men on the dragon throne have more than a hundred woman in their bed. In return those woman and their clans are given the best the world can offer."
"I am not one of those woman. Beside that i am the wife of his brother!"
"I am giving you a chance here. Either you and that little girl slowly die within these walls or you can stand alongside with me and protect the ones that you love. Think about it."
"My father is Duke Su, he doesn't need ..."
"Your father is send off with an army to the same battlefield that Prince Xian had gone off too. Bo Wu already had a injured leg because of it. We can't sent General Tang because her duty now is to protect these walls. Who do you think can protect your clan and your daughter. "
"My father ... he did not tell me anything. How can this be true?"
"As i say the walls behind the palace and the walls outside of this palace is different. Only one man can make the decision. That man sits on the dragon throne. Make your decision before something else happens behind these wall." The empress elegantly slips her tea while i turn around to look at that hateful man on the throne. If i am alone with him, am i able him to change his mind and the law of this ridicules rule? Should i try it? For all i know he is as nonsensical as Prince Xian. They are after all brothers with the same blood flowing in them.