I follow him back in the silence of the night. We sit in the same carriage. I dare not look at him but i can feel his stare. His hand touch mine. I jump and attempt to move away. Of course with him, i can't move too far. He grab my hand and hold it tight. "You hand is cold." He bring my hand closer to his mouth and breath hot air on it. While his other hand had slip into my dress. :Good thing you are warm there."I want to slap him at that point. He catch my hand and laugh. "You know why i like you so much?"
"I don't want to know. Just let go of ...."
"You are different from all the woman i know. You dare to speak your mind. You dare to define what is wrong and what is right infront of authority. You are not afraid of me. Mostly, you are the wife of my decease brother. That makes it all so attractive."
"For the last time, he is not dead!" I yell out loud while looking at him straight in the his eyes. For awhile i don't feel anything suddenly a fear creep in me. Swallowing my saliva and look at the window. For along time we stay at the position, then he release my hand. Suddenly there is a manic laughter from him. "You really show your temper in the present of ruler of this country. You dare to do that! Just like what he said, you are fearless. I am looking forward to know you more Lady Su." After we did not talk and the carriage moves silently into the night.
After i am sent back to everlasting beauty, i did not see him again. Instead the empress comes visiting on the next day. She give me her usual poker face. We sit in the small courtyard under a small shaded tree. Her maid begin to pour the hot tea and serve as usual. "You did not do as plan from the royal astronomer. They had to calculate again for the best time. Even though his majestic did not get angry, i am not satisfy with the outcome. I was waiting in the bridal room with eunuch Fang. It was a long wait till i was inform that both of you had return late. Tell me, did you both do it in the wild?"
"What?... No your majestic, i did nothing. I was trying to go home. .."
"Home is not an option. We had this conversation long ago. Your home now is everlasting beauty. If you please him well enough, there will be bigger mansion to move in to. There are plenty of servants to attend to your needs. Also plenty of gold for you. "
"I don't need those. I have my father..."
"As centuries old tradition, only males inherit all the property of the family. Including titles, clan and women. You will end up with nothing. All these will pass down to the closest male descendant base on the family tree. You should look out for yourself. Don't be stubborn. It will do you no good." She look at me with a smirk. "It isn't so difficult to lay down on the bed and let him do what he wants to do. Men are all the same. Once they have enough of it, they will move on to the next. I see enough and i know. Listen to me. I am doing this for your own good. Think of your old parents who won't be around to protect you. Once he is tired of you, you are left alone. Within a couple of years i can ask him to release you. At that time you will be free to do what you want. Free to go home. Free to fall in love with another. Free to marry. Free to build a house anywhere in the world. He will by then forget you. Do you understand?"
"I really.."
"I know. You still think that prince Xian Wen is somewhere alive and crawing back here. Do you think he can make it alive back here? He have enemies of other countries who wants him dead. He have foes in court that don't want him to return. Do you think my husband wants him back?" I am shock from what i hear. My hands tremble under the table. I try to breath as normal. She continue to smirk while drinking her tea. "You don't know anything about this word after all. I can teach you more. I can show you how and what do we woman need to do to protect ourselves." Her maid continue to put the tea. However she stands up"When the next confirm date is set. I hope you will do as told. You are young and have along life ahead. If you detest the ideal of sleeping with him then just pretend that he is Xian Wen. Let him have all he wants. I know him well, he is my husband. He dislike obedient woman on the bed. He love woman with challenges. The more you challenge him, the more you make him want to f**K you hard on the bed." She then place her hand covering her mouth. "Oops, i should be so vulgar. After all i am a royal member. However a lot people forget i am human too. I have my goals. I am not a god to be pray for." She smile sweetly."I am leaving now. i say too much. Don't think too much. Just do what i say. It's for your own good." She said her what she wanted to say with her back facing me. She walk away with her fan moving slowly and gracefully. While i am in shock, am i suppose to do what she say? She might be right after all. She is the wife of the emperor. They are married for more than ten years. She should know what he is like.
The date is set for the night to consume with the man of heavens. I stare at the vulgar garments and the golden veil. How can i put this on? I already marry once even though was doing it for my sister. He is the only man that i had lay on the bed with. The man that i had given my first time. I don't know how to face him whether we are alive or after live. Maybe i should end my life with the golden scissors.