Prologue
The heavy rain poured down again as I was running. I have a hard time looking at the road to where my feet are going. The forceful and heavy raindrops were constantly pouring down on my body. Sometimes it goes on my face making it hard for me to run. But why do I have nothing else to feel but my heart that is dying? I could feel every supplications and resentment that dwelt in my heart.
I think it's the safest way to chase him. I think it's better to be desperate than to regret everything in the future. Why won't I give my overall strength to him if I still have the chance to do it?
I chuckled and smiled bitterly in between the annoying burst of the rain. He came into my life like an intruder and in just a swift move he took everything out of me. I don't understand why my life seemed unfair among all of the flawed characters. I feel like I was the chosen one to be so incompetent to love someone.
I don't know where he is. I only found out when Viktor told me that he was planning to leave the country today just to run away from me. We didn't fight and until now I can still hear the sweet words he left out. So I don't know why. Why did he leave without saying goodbye? Why would he say he loves me if, in the end, he will just leave me too? I have a lot of dreams and one of those happened because of him. I promise to do it when the right person comes. Someone willing to stay no matter how hard and complicated the present and the future time is.
In the cold of the night caused by the rain, I continued to run. I Ignore the eyes that were staring at my helpless figure. The eyes of every stranger stared at me full of pity because of my wet and lifeless body. I know most people think something bad has happened to me or that I'm crazy. But whatever they think, I don't care. Pain and despair prevailed in my heart. He was my only hope in my dark life so why did he deprive me of the time and opportunity to be with him? I want to spend the remaining days of my life with him. But how? How can I fight for both of us if he won't longer wants me to complete his life?
One of my dreams is to spend my birthday visiting the Eiffel Tower. I dreamed in the past to spend my 24th birthday with Viktor and didn't even think that my plans would change. I thought it was Viktor who will stay throughout my journey but no. I spent my 24th birthday yesterday together with Ash Gray Ventura. He danced with me in the alluring and romantic view of the Eiffel Tower at night. From the outskirts of Paris, our hearts were filled with perfect happiness. The man who taught me that in love we could be unsure, uncertain, and doubtful. We couldn't be confident to believe in what we feel because everything is changing. Even the most faithful person could change. In love, we are sure that we might lose and win but we should also think that in love, it's not just our feelings and sentiments. It depends on someone who will give us temporary happiness. We couldn't ask them why not us because we didn't own them in the first place. We should be happy and thankful because, in just a short time or even a longer time, they still give us the feeling to be loved. They still make us feel like someone deserving to experience love. In the end, you will realize how grateful you are to be filled with mixed happiness and pains. At least you know what it feels like.
I just don't understand why he's leaving without telling me. He's the one who told me those words. He didn't even say that he didn't love me anymore. That's why I'm being hopeless and miserable chasing him because he is so unfair, really he is. How can I stop myself from falling if he doesn't want me to leave him? I might understand him. I might force myself to let him go. I could accept the reality if he didn't give me a chance to hope. What happened to your words Ash Gray Ventura? I wanted to scream it right now but I can't because the pain he caused me to be soundless is more dominant than the things I wished for to happen.
I wished I could be able to withstand this unbearable pain. He was just a stranger in the beginning but the moment he stared at my face for the first time, I knew something change the way my heart beat faster out of the blue. I felt the incomparable warmth and tenderness not just in my heart but as well as my soul.
'Ash Gray Ventura' I murmured in the middle of the night and the heavy doses of the rain. I swallowed the bitterness I was keeping for long
Why? Why are you so ruthless? I thought you love me. Tell me! Why are you doing this to me? You always appear in front of me and give me a bundle of chances to believe and hope for something again. You always act like you don't want me to disappear from your life yet in the end you will choose to set me free. The worst part of it is when you decided to leave not even telling me your reasons. Not even give me the way and the signs to talk to you or even bid a goodbye. If it's really important for you to leave me, I will let go of you Ash Gray. Just don't leave without saying anything because I had a lot of traumatic and painful experiences when people who were close to me put me behind and disregarded my emotions. Viktor Danillo did it already. Don't choose to repeat that same mistake. You knew that I hate this because I told you everything about me and Viktor's past.
I was crying heavily while I was talking to myself. I felt the world betrayed me over and over again. I don't want him to go because I can't afford to lose him. I hope he didn't come into my life if he isn't serious with his words. But damn it! It was also my fault because I let myself fall deeper even if I'm not sure he would give me his heart. I am foolish to be confident to believe that you're mine, Ash Gray. I'm sorry...I j-just love you. If you haven't said that you love me maybe I could be able to give this up. So I could learn to accept that in this life you will never be mine.
I clearly remember the first time we saw each other in Paris when I decided to sit in front of Notre Dame Cathedral. It was like a dramatic feeling for me to feel a sense of sweet pleasure staring at the man who just suddenly walk slowly in my direction. He appeared tall, proud, intimidating, and handsome. His face was emotionless as well as his deep ocean eyes. His long thighs and striking figure make him more hotter and stunning. Just like the heat of the sun, his tanned complexion and far-reaching appearance make me gulp in awe. It was like I'm seeing a Greek warrior who could make my eyes sparkle in bewilderment. A man who could make every woman out there fall for him inevitably. His plain shirt was only a piece of thin fabric that covered his strong and muscular body. His faded jeans together with his black leather boots give his presence an imposing manner and a tough man in this entire world. He's definitely a man of every woman's dream.
While I was walking down the dark road I lifted my head and face the dark sky that looks tragic and awful. It looks like the rain is sympathizing with my unfortunate life. I clutch my white dress in the center of my chest as if I could wash away my sadness and my grief. The coldness I felt in the rapid flow of the rain in my numb body make me kneel in a sudden honk of a car. I was startled to hear a honk of a car that's why I lose my balance to support my feet.
The moment I heard someone calling my name I was stunned and was encouraged to continue hoping that I still have a chance to prevent him from leaving.
"Maryam Amira" His deep and baritone voice echoed in my ears in the middle of the road.
I smiled tenderly to think that he was still my man. No matter what happened, he will never abandon me. I know he will stay like what he always said and like how he always vowed. I suddenly felt an intense chill on my skin after he arrived. Even though I had difficulty standing up to support myself in coldness, I still acted looking good and well. Happiness is more dominant than thinking about the coldness that slowly killing my energy. I intertwined my trembling shivering hands to fulfill my desire to stand and see his face and admire it again like the first time I saw him. I did everything I can to keep up and bear to my spiritless body. I felt like I couldn't able to stand firm against my weak body. I almost feel my body is getting paler failing to fight and endure the remaining time. I was just about to give up and fall again to the ground it stopped when suddenly a strong, muscular, and scorching arms hugged my back to prevent me from collapsing to the ground. I could feel his warm embrace starting to take away the bone-chilling sensation. His embrace and his strong body were my remedies in every undesirable, intense, or even most critical circumstances and phenomenon. He was my only hope when I failed to have it many years ago.
"What are you doing Maryam?" He asked as he hugged my back. His voice was dull and serious as if he was lacking the interest to talk to me.
He whispered on my earlobe seductively. I felt the hot and mellow sensation of the way he kisses my nape. I don't know why he's so unpredictable. He's manifesting like he doesn't want to see me yet impulsively he's going to make me feel like he doesn't want to lose me again.
I decided to face him. My pitiful eyes observed his hard features and his inexpressive eyes. Like me, his body was already soaking wet yet he was just even more handsome and a stubborn traveler to look at. The firm motion of his gaze was like drops of heavy rain beads on his long coat up to his sturdy boots.
"I should be the one asking you that. What are you doing Ash Gray? Don't you know why I'm here?" I asked looking unbelievable because of the way he ask me.
His arms loosen and I felt the inexplicable pain in my chest as he slowly released his hold on my wet body. His eyes stared at me like I don't have worth to talk him. Like I'm just wasting his precious time for someone he reserved his attention.
"I'm here to chase you. I'm trying my best to stop you from leaving me. Viktor told me that you're planning to leave tonight so that you couldn't see me again. Ash G-Gray...I'm running in the middle of the road and in the cold burst of the raindrops just to follow you to the airport. Please Ash Gray...tell me. Please. Viktor didn't mean it right? You're not going anywhere. I k-know you'll stay." My voice cracked as I was asking for his confirmation.
My heart was full of fear. I was worried that I might not be able to accept what he had to say.
"Precisely," He said with a smirk on his thin enticing lips.
"What Viktor told you is true. It's not just my plan to leave you and this country. It was really my intention to escape with you. I want you to leave my life. I don't need a weak person like you to save me. You can't even save yourself because you're foolish to be so sure that you can keep me. You're always thinking positively and didn't even think that everything I said was the opposite of how I feel. I'm not yours, to begin with, and never will Maryam Amira." He added with an emotionless expression and a monotone voice.
The rain continues to pour down on our bodies. But I couldn't focus on the freezing curse of heaven. My world seemed to crumble and I had no hope left after hearing his words. I am now asking myself what I had done to be punished like this. What was my fault to make me feel like I'm not enough for him to hurt me like this?
"No...N-No. You're not this Ash Gray. Take back your words! I don't believe you! I know you will never hurt me. You will never dare to say these hurtful words in front of me. Please! I'm begging you, don't leave me. Don't do the same mistake that Viktor did to me. Do not imitate him. Don't bring me back to the time that I no longer have reasons to live for myself or even for others."
I can't help to kneel in desperation and helplessness as I clung to his pants. I fastened my hand tightly on his pants and accented sobbing as I begged. I lifted my head to see his reaction. He looked away as if he couldn't afford to stare at me in such a situation. As if he doesn't want me to get hurt by any simple things yet he didn't even think that I was hurt already because of him. If he really loves me, he will stand for it no matter what the cost is. Because if I was him, I will never trade him for anything, for some greater things, I'll choose to stay. We have been through a lot and fought together. So why? What is his reason to surrender everything right now? Why it was so easy for him to say those words? Why it was so easy for him to give me up?
"I'm telling the truth, Maryam. What else you don't understand Maryam that we're over? I will go wherever I wanted even without your permission. My life does not depend on you so stop acting like I'm your responsibility to care about. This conversation is nonsense. I should leave already because someone is waiting for my comeback. She is more important for me to focus my time and attention rather than wasting my energy on this stupid talk." He said emphatically that he seemed to have little patience left. He didn't have any emotions or sympathy staring at my figure.
I shook my head hopelessly giving him the signs that I didn't accept his words. I hugged his thighs to beg over and over again. I cried more and more and I felt the tears slowly becoming cold piercing my awful face and my lost eyes. I was crying like I never cried in my whole life. I want to see his face. I want to caress his handsome and hard features. I want to stare at his deep ocean eyes again but seems like I couldn't able to feel that sensation again. I want to ask for more chances and time to prevent him from leaving but it looks like I couldn't do it anymore.
"Why? What did I do? What about the promises you said? You said I was your life. You said you will never abandon and hurt me. What happened to your promises and to all the things we've done in every place in Paris? What about the hot kisses, the warm cuddles, the tight hold you always express and give to me? Ash Gray, I don't think I can be the same person again. I can't live without you. You knew what happened to me so please just stay. Please don't ruin my trust." I sobbed ponderously while hugging tightly his stout legs.
I was stunned and felt dispirited causing me to lose the inch of hope I managed to protect when he forcibly release my trembling body on his sturdy legs. I bowed my head in shock and couldn't believe that he will do it. I smiled painfully and cried in bitterness when I realize that he will no longer stay. I want to laugh because he's right. I am stupid to believe that someone would love me dearly. Even the man I thought to be my strength will leave me in the end. I'm this pathetic to beg for someone's love because since I was a kid, heaven has already cursed me to have an unfortunate life.
"Still won't believe me, Maryam?" He asked and smirked. His smile was grim.
"Pardon me but I'm trying to make it up with you. That kiss was just a fucking one last goodbye because for real, we won't see each other again. I lied to you the whole time. Avalone is the woman I love ever since and you also knew it but you were dumb to believe that you can replace her. I think you will understand my words now. Please, Maryam Amira if you still have shame on yourself, stop chasing me. You're just making me think like you're in great need of attention. Look at yourself, now I'm almost regretting meeting a woman like you."
Ash Gray ruined my trust and my hope. In the end, he still left and didn't even mind looking at me for the last drop of the rain. You will never understand me Ash Gray why I'm very determined to prevent you from leaving. I have big secrets and reasons. I'm just waiting for your decision to change your mind but you didn't. I hope you won't regret what you did if one day I'll be gone.