Shattered By Lies

I once asked someone; what is your definition of love? She told me that it was Trust, Loyalty, Honesty, Communication & a little bit of Spice~~. Hearing that made my heart sore as far into the sky like a bluebird in mid-flight but then I soon realized that I was hoping for miracles, wanting her to be my dream girl…. When in reality, all I was receiving were her excuses & gaslighting that would easily cause an explosion, but I was too blind & naïve to realize it until I had enough….. Two months down the drain with thoughts of moving in, helping her get a job close to the apartment that I lived in, indoor dates, game night Fridays, etc. All I had to show for my loyalty was purchasing a whole bunch of food, a whole bunch of items that I wouldn't usually use, plans for a romantic dinner & even a makeshift sign so that when she gets off her plane / bus trip, she would see it's me (I got the idea from TikTok). Corny I know, I can even hear my father in the back of my head telling me; "You're wasting your time & money on a chick that you've haven't even met yet! Are you serious right now? You are my son but you need to step it up, homeboy & STOP being SUCH a sucker for love."  I can definitely guarantee that he's right, but at least I know that I wasn't the one who messed things up for the relationship to end in the first place. I don't need to get into full on details about the gaslighting part but I can definitely tell you this; it was an Internet Relationship where it was only texting involved and a lot of thieves or her mind playing tricks on her, but I definitely know that regardless of that I really did love her well she was infatuated with the idea of someone loving her. In the words of Robert Lane Saget; she wasn't in love with me she was in love with being in love. toxic for sure but it didn't stop me from feeling my lowest and her shifting the blame thinking that it's my fault for breaking us up when she doesn't understand why I'm doing so even though I've told her 1000 times.. But where are my manners? My name is Shemp, Shemp Richmore, age 29 years old, an African-American male with a 5 foot 11 1/2 inch difference compared to how I was younger trying to be the class clown I'll also a ladies man before all my hair was put off since some kid put candy in my hair leading to it being completely cut off. After that nothing was the same…. Of course my life was never the same after the fact that my wife had been one fuck up after another. Sure I was an adorable kid and had some looks to me but the spark in my eyes literally diminished the moment my mom moved away to the mountains with me in tow…. But realizing that I'm stuck with something else that I was not too keen on getting but ended up getting as a result of my foolishness and devotion; but I think I'm getting ahead of myself, I think all of these thoughts came into play when I once again for myself a few months back….. It was Sunday…February 25, 2024…I was working in overdrive from the previous days where I felt a surge of energy just radiating off of my body just telling me to keep on moving and don't stop until the energy just drains. I seriously used my adrenaline to go beyond every argument or misunderstanding along with breaking my own limits. As a writer and a poet, I had so many things running through my mind that were just radiating off of me as I was so angry with the world but at the same time I didn't know how to put my anger into words besides writing a book called "fuck them all" about a post apocalyptic future where  perversion and violence prevailed while normal laws and illegal actions were canceled, that was where my mindset was that. Until she came into the room after talking with one of the Night Shift people about his dandruff filled hair (HAHAHAHAHA!) which was luckily saved by another co worker named Marq who always looked out for others. Anyways when she walked in everyone was already out of the room and we made a conversation of me talking about my night and wondering how was her night even though I could tell that she was sad about something really sad about things that were going on in her life that made me think about my own life as well. I lost some really good people in my family and seeing her sad just made me feel for her. In fact every time she's sad or happy I just feel better, even when I am feeling sad and alone, she's there for me…. Before she knew it I had to wrap my arm around her neck ever so gently, in the form of a hug from behind while she was sitting in her chair… "I'm so sorry for your loss." Honestly I was always prone to laugh or smile at the worst timing when it came to her. All I felt was something different where I couldn't help but hold her in my arms and didn't want to let her go. I thought to myself what's going on with me? My body not only felt aroused but also felt neutral as I felt this way before when it came to one other person but never felt so comfortable in someone's embrace in a long time. I didn't know if she was married or older or just in a relationship with someone or had feelings for someone else but all I knew was the fact that at the moment I had her…. I didn't know if it was just me getting older or the old me creeping up behind after losing so much weight and losing so much time, these emotions felt truly unfair. I ask myself why her? Why of all people am I feeling these emotions for her? Before I left to catch my ride, I gave her one last hug along with confessing some of my feelings for her and gave her A few kisses on the forehead and she constantly complimented me by saying "You are so sweet." and "You get home safe baby." When she called me that something in me could not help but smile from ear to ear as my heart was skipping a beat, my face was lightning up with just those words echoing in my ears, palm sweaty and feeling butterflies in my stomach?! Was I falling in love with her? Who is she? Who am I to take something so simple and feel like I am in some type of romantic comedy? Let me start from the very beginning of my life so you will have a better indication of how all of this transpires…