What is love? That's what I constantly ask myself wondering if I've ever really been in love? Is love that feeling you get when you have a delicious meal or when you cuddle up to someone that you barely know, hoping to make a connection? Or maybe love is something you earn through hard work and dedication? Anyway, what does it mean when you're too scared to fall in love and in fear you'll get hurt or treated like a lone survivor?….. Don't get me wrong, I understand what it means to find love with your family and yourself but what does it truly mean to love another? You see it on TV, movies, romantic novels, merchandise, etc. Hoping to find something like that…. Once again, My name is Shemp Richmore and I'm a lover of romance comedies.…. Honestly I'm telling the story so others like me who have been through situations learn to either avoid or adapt even though I'm not quite sure who is going to enjoy it or hate it but it will definitely be a story that I want to tell regardless of the cost. *Taking a deep breath*… okay…. When I was a young boy growing up in between cities, sometimes on holidays I would be with my grandparents along with my father (Beau Richmore) in New York City and most times I would be in Upstate New York with my mother (Beatrice Wrongroad). Boy was I naïve, wanting that happy family that I would see whenever kids are getting picked up from school or when watching a movie seeing that family life that just wasn't realistic, maybe it was just not in the cards for me. I truly wanted to feel that type of love from my family, especially my mom. It felt like Tough Love from her including for my brother's father but when I came to my grandparents & my father they had their own style of love that I just couldn't put my finger on as it was caring but also had moments of being strict. Not too strict but wanting me to be 'not like the other kids in the neighborhood' type of strict. Sometimes I felt the same way when it came to my parents even though I was indeed a handful since they both had different ways of treating me but my mom had more influence on me which truly damaged me mentally in the way of how one should be loved. Every man that walked into her life as the years went on either used her, abused her or treated her the way that she wanted to be treated but it was never good enough…. I followed everything and noticed everything as if she thought just because I was a child I wouldn't notice these things as I grow up to become a man. It wasn't love, it was blind obsession to not feel alone. My dad on the other hand was living the bachelor's life even before I was born…. I never thought I would see my mom in love until I saw magic…. That's when; for a short time, the beatings became less and I saw my mom in love with a man that became my sister's father compared to how my mom was with my brother's father… She was truly in love with this man and it lasted for years as I know I made mistakes to make things feel weird or worse but I was happy with either man that my mom chose as I try to live in the moment. However compared to my dad, my sister's father was by far the second greatest man I've met in my life…. But like every good fairytale all good things must come to an end… She let other people get in the way of her love for him and made an excuse because of his upbringing plus the language barrier to let him go…. She had cheated on him and treated him like a full before the end of their marriage as I didn't realize how true the words were. Very nice guys finish last as bad guys just get there just deserves where later on she ends up marrying a guy much worse than the others. *Sigh* sometimes I wonder what disappoints me the most:
My mother's denial in her bed decisions that caused her to marry a fool almost like a punishment to herself?
Or
My father's decision to never get married in fear that a woman would try to slander him/throw him under the bus just for her own success?
My father was once accused of sexual assault which she did not do or whatever due to anyone as he is ghetto but that doesn't change the type of man that he is. He's no hero nor a villain, but I can say for one thing he is my hero. How couldn't he be? Whenever I was struggling and needed guidance, I called my father even though he didn't know the full story of everything. He knew that it wasn't his place since my mom had full custody of me... As the older brother to Demetrious Fux (Mid) & Mai Arabia (Last & Final), I wish back then I would have listened to him more and understood what he meant even though it's not too late to do so now…. I just feel bad for as many times we had conversations and as many times as we have had moments where I tried to talk down to him or pushed his words away as if I knew everything…. Beau was right as a father and as my best friend, however I can say without a shadow I doubt there are many moments where I can say I did not deserve to be his son because I was thinking idiotically instead of thinking with common sense along with negative whispers in my ear…. I'll get back to how I changed a bit but I want to get back to talking about love for a moment…. Throughout my life I still do not understand what that really meant as I saw lust, maybe longing & desperation for affection but never love…. My mom tried to show her love but it didn't feel genuine all the time. Sometimes it felt like she was putting on a show just to be that TV mom in her own story. I felt as if I was suffocating in an ocean of my own anxiety and depression to where I was either barely eating or eating way too much. My fire for love & affection soon came to the forefront when I got to high school since most of my childhood in 10 years were all mashed up into one phrase "delusional". Didn't know what I wanted, didn't know what I was doing and my mom put on the façade not knowing where I got these ideas from (lies) & promised that she would sort me out once I got home. (literally beating my ass until I got the point, not knowing it was her fault I acted like this in the first place.)….. All I wanted to do was just hide in my shell until I met Nelly. Turns out we had a lot in common as she was literally the girl next door along with the Goth / Emo Tomboy that many guys would kill for. She had a boyfriend at the time but we kept our relationship a secret since he was not showing her the love that she deserved which led to the two of us becoming lovers. She broke up with him a few weeks before his birthday as I know but I did not want to lie or keep it a secret. Her father, god rest his soul, treated me like his son even on his death day he treated me like his own, wondering how I was doing or if I was still among the living, he was a good man. Just wish you were still around so I could apologize for not being able to keep my promise and take care of his daughter…. The relationship ended and could never be repaired after finding out that she had a miscarriage in the form of twins. I don't know if it was true or not but regardless a miscarriage is a miscarriage…. I was so devastated and so scared that I lost a piece of me…. My heart was devastated. Telling my parents was truly the hardest thing that I had to do as both of them threw it in my face not like a life lesson or I'm sorry that you are going through this…. Something in me just snapped…. And I started moving like a real whore thinking that the only thing that I was good for was sex or manipulating people just like my mom. Before I knew it I found myself not liking who I have become. No one knew and no one wanted to know what was happening to me. All it took was my aunt on my dad's side and my mom's sister to get me out of my mom's mess that let us in 2017 to North Carolina. My mom tried to escape the law by taking us to North Carolina in-line her butt off in court thinking that my sister's father was a bad husband while trying to escape the door in a different state just to get divorced & custody of my sister. I realize now that I had Stockholm Syndrome….. My mom does not realize that she caused this within me and probably never will realize how badly she damaged her kids. She's trying to make up for it now in her own way but this is not her story, it's mine…. For five years it was just damaging once I got back to New York City but this time staying INSIDE THE BIG CITY! Staying with my father, I learned bits and pieces about him that I never knew before. The fact that my dad still likes to watch Kung Fu movies, hates musicals, laughs loudly along with enjoying kaiju films like Godzilla or King Kong, Extreme comic book movie fan and more. Inside the house it was great to be his father's son but outside it was like walking around with a celebrity because after all my dad cooked for a living, had history in the underground rap game, plus knowing many people in the neighborhood also had its advantages. My father knew celebrities, rapping with icons in the game, cooking for the rich and famous people along with even ending up on TV, heck my dad even met Gordon Ramsay. Yup Gordon fucking Ramsey. My father was honestly his own legend, sadly I felt like a HUGE disappointment that didn't deserve the throne of a prince... I started using my talents which was writing poetry & stories which was something that Nelly always thought I had talent with. As I did, my recognition began to grow along with the stories that I wrote for others as a ghost writer. My father was proud of me and so was I, however I still felt like I needed a change even when I tried to lose weight and exercise it still didn't feel like I was doing enough. Every time I walked down the block or was recognized by someone it felt like the first thing that came out of their mouths / popped into their skulls was "How's your dad doing?", "How's Pops doing?", "Where is your dad?" These feelings continued as I felt so anxious and overlooked because I shared his blood…. It was like I was living in a nightmare of my own life looking back on everything that I've done wrong and never really appreciating all the good stuff that came along with it but how could you when your mother got pregnant by three different men, your father lives away from you and you have to explain to no one about living the average African-American household lifestyle as if it's normal until the age of 22…. My rebellious streak came out along with my anxiety and depression for companionship not in a romantic sense or in a loving sense, more like I was trying to cling onto something like my mom trying to cling on to anyone to help her stay afloat. I didn't like talking about it because I felt that there wasn't any point explaining this to my dad because there was nothing really he could do as people have their instincts to do things and I wasn't going to stand in the way of that…. I realize that no matter how far I went or how hard I tried, NOTHING was going to change unless I changed myself for the better first…. I had no idea what I was going to do to get myself to improve since no matter what I did or what I tried in New York City nothing was going to change as it was like starting off at a small mountain just to see a whole bunch of Mount Fuji's waiting to be climbed that could take years to accomplish. My job was mentally draining and living with my grandparents & dad plus my cousin to add to the mix because I was literally a grown man living under their roof barely even paying any rent let alone doing anything that was close to helpful. In other words, I was literally freeloading while having everyone around me help me when I should be doing that myself in 2022. Five years after leaving what I considered hell, I didn't know what I was going to do. Until one day, I was looking through movies to watch and then came across a Hallmark movie about a country wedding. The movie brought back memories where I would watch romantic comedies with my mom as I loved a good romance story especially if it was written well but talking about romantic comedies in front of others was indeed embarrassing. However, whenever I was by myself and alone I would watch Hallmark movies along with lifetime movies that had at least a good story/a good plot. I ended up realizing that my favorite types of Hallmark movies were when a city boy/girl meets a country boy/country girl just to fall in love. The idea sounded so romantic to me as I wanted that dream more than anything. Sure I still had Nelly on my mind but something in my gut told me to go south compared to the genie telling me to stay. I had a premonition a few months prior that A genie that looked like my dad but with a shaved head told me to stay in New York City or something awful would happen if I go. However, something in my gut truly wanted me to build my own legacy in North Carolina and that is what I was going to do. Before I knew it I contacted my mom and decided to move out there along with getting myself a job out in Winston Salem, North Carolina. By December, I had my job all lined up and even had an idea of what I wanted to do but the ideas that were just rolling in my head when it came to writing stories were kind of taking a backseat. I had a smile on my face but not much on Spirit Airline (take my advice never take spirit airline as they will try to rip you off and take your money especially if you're stupid enough to fall for their propaganda. If you took Spirit Airlines and they try to rip you off and you did not notice it, you are indeed stupid.) I was just happy to have a good job in the hospital. Nothing could be better and more fulfilling for me than going to North Carolina in 2023 with a great start and high expectations….
[1 Year Later]
Well.... First I want to say that at least I got the job and I feel like I aced it, maybe… But holy shit where do I begin? Year was a mixed baggage of what the fuck?! Literally I knew that it was slow pacing but god damn did not I not predict how much of a bombshell I felt when my expectations for away beyond high as they not only had all these dreams and thoughts of what would happen when going there but I was not ready for a large amount of disappointment to come my way. First, my stepfather Jamie, to put it in perspective of what I said in the last chapter he is literally a mixture of the bad traits of my brother's father but has the worst traits thinking that he is a professional chef when that is beyond further from the truth. Spending habit and and habit of trying to sabotage my mom financially so that he can get his way, it's crazy how he would do this but at the same time I know my mom deserves this for what she had done to her first husband even though I'm not in the place to say anything for what I have done to others in my dating life. One day basically snapped, my mom was having an argument with Jamie because he decided to buy himself Jordans and jerseys instead of paying the bill even though he was already messaged about it. He was stressing himself out and my mom telling him just made him even more frustrated as he tried to blame her for his mistake instead of taking it as a learning lesson. The problem with him is if he did something wrong and he feels that he's done it he will apologize as if it makes it right but that does not solve the problem but it's hard to reason with someone that used to be on drugs. (the worst part is he probably still is but in secret) …. That's not what set me off, what set me off was him putting his hands on her by wrapping his hands around her neck. If I could go back and try to change something I would've probably went for the knife and stabbed him in the back of his neck because after seeing that all I saw was read where I wrapped my dad's watch that he gave me around my fist and started punching him in the back of the head cursing as many curse words that I could. It's crazy because this was what I wanted to say to my brother's father for so many years after the fact that he punched me square in the face and even tossed me away from my mom when he beat it on her when I was only seven years old. PTSD is a bitch. Jamie warned me that if I ever put my hands on him again he was going to kill me. Months later when I tried to confront my mom about it she told me that there is no where we could go and I had no right to speak up for myself because I'm under his roof….. Telling my dad was the hardest thing I had to do as much as lying to him for months on end about what was going on as if everything was perfect. I choked up as I had begun a routine of going to the bar where I would drink my worries away, karaoke at the bar trying to think of other things, going to my first strip club & even getting a hook up, A whole mess but never any love in any of it. Lying to myself thinking that this was self-love or some ridiculous notion….. In my mind & my job was taking a toll on me, after getting two strikes in four months gave me nearly an anxiety attack because the first strike with me just complimenting women but I could tell full heartedly that it was kind of inappropriate especially around one of the women that were training me who told one of the people in the office of what I had done. Second strike came when I defended myself against two employees who were honestly rude and disrespectful to me just because I wouldn't spend money on them…. It felt like a different hierarchy than in New York where if someone's trying to beg for money outright they should be the ones getting a strike not the one that was being disrespected just because they didn't know me or care to know me…. After that I try to stay quiet and do the best that I could for the patience and even push myself further than I would for any other job I had in my original prime, losing weight rapidly and losing stamina as much as I was losing my hair. Truly I try to manage even though my kind nature has me in a pickle from time to time, okay most of the time..... OK fine, ALL of the time. It truly brought me joy to get a job in the hospital but the thing that was working there the beginning three months was like hell on my body as it felt like I was a bowl of Jell-O with my bones rattling. From feeling like everyone was looking at me for being kind of respectful to nearly getting myself in trouble because of my kind nature or even my hopefulness of being loved by someone it was truly damning. My inner willingness to throw away everything just for love and appreciation, truly a sad and pathetic mindset, that I had that still resonates to this day but thanks to my mom doing this one good thing for me in all honesty was getting me the help that I needed in the way of medication. Turns out I not only had PTSD but also extreme depression and sleeping problems because of my anxiety. Truly it made me more apologetic, honest and also humbled me to be the best version of me that I could be. I felt this was when I truly was on the right track as the medication definitely was helping me especially since I became more peace loving and wanting to improve my life by doing yoga along with working out possibly because of the fact that I felt much happier once the medicine took effect. However, because of the fact that I started taking the medicine I thought that I could handle things on my own without it but that was further from the truth when I ran out and didn't have enough money for myself along with the lifestyle that I was pretending to love….. Ever since I was little I remember this one quote from Full House (if anybody remembers that show) there was a conversation about one of the cast members being in love with someone but in reality "You're not in love with her, you're in love just to be in love." Those words stayed in my head for so long and I didn't understand them until now. I wasn't in love with anybody, I was just in love with being in someone's company or in other words: being in someone's circle -almost like having a friend with benefits relationship in which I've spend most of my time with or simply hang out with but what most was lying to myself the entire time, trying so hard to love another but I could barely love myself which was the hardest pill to swallow.