Which brings us to the dilemma I'm facing….. After all these years I've never been in love, when it came down to loving my family it just felt natural or felt like I was supposed to be like a soldier in the line of duty, however actually loving someone in a passionate and loving way was a whole different story. Finding love when I was a kid, a teenager or maybe even when I was beginning to become an adult, it all felt maintained or expected of me to be this person who was in love with just one person for the rest of my life, but I couldn't just accept anyone. Nelly was close since she was my best friend & my first love. After we had the miscarriage, I dated or in this case hooked up with other women, however all I felt was nothing but disgust. It was truly hard to explain:
It's like going to your favorite pizza place, ordering the same type of pizza over and over and over again, just to start feeling tired of it or it was just getting old. No real fulfillment or anything just expecting something different. That's how I'd looked at sex, it felt like to a certain point it would feel good in my teen years but now as an adult just started feeling like a false routine or not close to the edge of satisfaction…. Something was missing….. Hell, even having street fights defending my brother or defending his somewhat half brother plus taking up martial arts and even military training was not even good enough to satisfy my urge for something, ANYTHING!…. Just one so I wanted to feel something beyond what I felt for Nelly, something that I can hold onto and show that I truly care without any false privado. The moment came when I hugged her, that's when something came to mind~ A Poem being written on the walls of my mind:
There's so many questions in my head as far as the eye can see, in fact I don't know you as much as you don't know me.
I know certain things about you like your smile that doesn't cost a fee, you're a caring person for others well shamefully since they are more carefree.
You don't give yourself enough credit to say the least, you're truly a beauty to anyone's beast.
You probably think that you're too plump and no one would want you unless there is a feast, honestly I've never seen someone so beautiful from the north, south or east.
Something about ya is mysterious which is true, so much woman that I don't even know what I would do with you.
The warm feeling that I get when I have you in my arms it's so warm but the moment you leave I feel so blue, don't worry I'm not just saying this all because I want to screw.
Truly something about you hits me to my very core, that look in your eyes that is never shy makes my heart want to sore.
You are who you are which is why any man would be lucky to have a woman like you to adore, I don't just want to hold you I'm hoping for more.
Not just your likes or dislikes or your favorite color which can easily be guessed or seen by all, I want to know your dreams and your aspirations like a courtesy call.
I want to know what makes you smile whenever you want to fall, give you the courage to feel a closeness without needing another brick for your protective wall.
I want to give you flowers on your birthday and an amazing gift for Christmas as well, holding you closer and hoping wholeheartedly that you begin to hear a bell.
Hopefully a bell that blesses you with a future that won't be hell, profit from your own ideas that you could hopefully sell, I believe in your kindness and your breakable shell.
I say that it's breakable because I have a way to reach the softest part of your heart, maybe not a dinner or a dance or even some romance but an understanding could be a start.
I don't know what I want but I don't want us to be separated or awkwardly apart, my words are true like the sky is so blue you are indeed a work of art.
From her eyes to her nose to her hips to her lips. I've had lewd thoughts of people including her but never in this way where I am actually having feelings for her and her alone. Strangely, I don't know if she has a man or not, let alone if she has kids or not, all that I know is I want to hold her in my arms again & make her feel safe just to tell her that everything is gonna be OK. No matter how hard things get I want to be able to be by her side and comfort her, if she'll let me…. One thing is for sure, I need to see if these feelings are real or just fabrication within my mind, trying to believe that it's love. I need to know…. For her sake as much as my own… I don't want to cause her harm nor do I want to call anyone to feel in danger by me being around but my soul and very gut just tell me that I need to figure it out! I pray to God that I don't make a mistake that would hurt her. I made a promise to her and her alone that I'd be there for her anytime she needs me as much as I promise God that I want to be there to comfort her when tears leak from her eyes. Life is truly a mystery, I've been praying for the opportunity to have such beauty to care for me no matter what I look like, even with a shaved head and a full beard, she doesn't judge me but me. I can feel her beautiful aura, even though I can't read her facial expression. One thing is for sure, all I want is to make her smile like she did A few days ago…. But how can I do that? Even if things might turn out tough or easy I'm still going to work hard for myself along with hopefully her as well. I want to really change who I am in the best way possible and not just look at things as if it is handed to me but earned…. Wow, I might really like her…. >////< W-Well, honestly this week has been interesting where not only have I not been able to get this one woman out of my head—but the fact that I have been feeling much more cheerful and determined to write stories while also writing poetry and even conversing with patients more. Along with watching Rom-Com Movies that brought me back to those moments watching Miss Congeniality with my mom as much as watching some real good romantic movies like kissing a fool. Honestly watching one of those on my day off and eating Chinese food was so oddly satisfying as much as thinking about her. Imagine how I felt when God blessed me, being able to see her again as she worked third shift after all as a lead. My heart was running circles around my soul, I could not help but hug her again. The feeling of having her in my arms felt like an eternity of worth, as if a symphony was playing for just the two of us as I didn't know if she felt the same but truly that's how I felt at the moment. The moment I looked into her eyes I couldn't speak or say anything that I really wanted to say from the fact that people were in the office or Eris making jokes. Truly I was choking on my own feelings which were literally bubbling up to the surface while waiting for Gar to come so we could go home. I asked her some questions like if she had kids or how old she was but in reality I wanted to ask her if she was dating anyone or what her favorite food was so I could cook for her. I wanted to steal her heart so badly (metaphorically) but I couldn't stop looking into her eyes but I did do something nice for her which was give her a drawing that I did which was how I felt about her:
A single rose in a body of water with vibrations to wave-like because of the fact that she is still a mystery to me. I can read her facial expressions but when it comes down to truly reading her emotions within her soul it's truly jaw-dropping how mysterious she truly is. Her aura speaks volumes and I just feel bewitched. By the time Gar came in, I honestly knew that I wanted to steal her heart. Even with the fact that I was hungry and tired from a long day at work where the whole hospital felt like a thermos on laundry degrees and me having a runny nose, I just wanted to be in her line of you. I gave her another hug which led to me feeling like I just won the Super Bowl but at the same time I felt like I fumbled A little bit because I was scared of what others would think of me but at the same time why should I care? I still don't know if this is love devoted to my own mind playing tricks on me but I gotta find out. Heck even Gar had to tell me off and say that you need to make a move or else someone else would more than likely make a move with her, leaving me looking stupid for not even trying. All honesty, Gar was right and indeed I needed to make a change. I have not been down bad for anyone in a minute, in fact I feel like I've never really been this down bad for anyone as I've been obsessed with trying to keep some thing that I thought I wanted but it was unhealthy but this is different… I can say without a shadow of a doubt; I'm not upset about it, I'm just scared. Scared of the unknown and scared that I might break her heart or she might break mine. Wondering if she has a boyfriend or not, but most of all, scared that she might not have those types of feelings for me like I do for her….. Truly complicated…..The next day, I was pacing around my place thinking about what I wanted to do in the way of commissions, what I'm gonna do for food, but truly I still couldn't get her out of my head as I wanted to know what I could do to impress her? Truly the moment I had a thought in my head it was as if I wondered what do you think about in the first thing to just pop it in my head was her and hoping if she's thinking about me? The crazy thing is Most of the time when I talk to people I think about sexually but when it comes down to her I can't help but think about a romantic setting. Wondering if when I kiss her I might feel sparks or fireworks or just see bells? I might be overthinking things. >\\\< Anyway, I don't know what the future holds but I definitely want to try. I feel even more inspired when talking about myself to one of my friends who is an artist who wanted to maybe turn my feelings into a story, they go by Bez. I've worked with them before and the art was definitely taking a long time but now all I can say or think about is her…. God please don't let this be another obsession as I don't wanna hurt her as much as I don't wanna hurt myself. However, Bez calmed me down & give me the best advice that I need it all day:
"Cheer up! You're already in the race, you can't stop running, being so close to the finish line!"
It was great advice as much as the fact that they read what I wrote here in this book, truly I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about what she'll say or what she'll do. God as my witness, I cannot see her with anything less but her, A beautiful woman that definitely deserves flowers when she comes in to work along with chocolates. That's why I decided to get both along with getting some lunch in the form of a burrito for myself but because of the butterflies in my stomach it's hard for me to eat without feeling anxious. I'm looking at the clock as if I'm in detention again in Upstate, New York…. I feel like we were supposed to remember these things when you finally realize who you want to be in what you need to be because the movies really don't give you that amount of closure only if YOU see it when others don't. Looking at my school life and looking at my relationship status within life it feels like they're both aligned with one another where I was kind of that class clown along with a yes man willing to do everything that I could for my relationship with much of my school, but at the same time I had moments of slacking off by following bad influences or listening to others that had bad intentions for me. My dad told me so many times to make your money and let the women come to you because all you're gonna do is just waste time on things that won't do you any good but of course I didn't listen but now I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to be extremely better than I was back when everything felt so easy. There were good moments as much as they were bad moments. Indeed spending time with my grandparents along with my dad plus as many people that he knew was amazing moments especially when it came to the barbecues or just my grandfather dancing which was the highlight of my childhood. My grandfather still to this day is my family's hero in fact the neighborhood hero where he has everything that you could ever want:
A wife
Kids all grown up & successful
Grand children
Roof over his head
Great at cooking
A people person
Wise to a T
Been on TV
Been on VHS
Been on interviews
A lifetime of adventure
A lifetime of traveling
Fisherman
Waterdrum band member
And a lot of people that love him no matter if they are blood or not.
My grandfather is the wisest man that I will EVER know. My grandmother is indeed a character you cannot help but smile at because she's just so joyful when she's not angry or bickering with grandpa. I think that's why I'm the way I am, sure my family is not perfect, heck, I'm not perfect.
I'm not the richest man in the world with a billionaire father. I just got lucky that my father is who he is. Sure, I had no problems with my mom because of her decisions, but those decisions made me into the man that I am today along with making my brother the college graduate that he is, which makes me extremely proud to be his brother with everything that he does. I could not be prouder. My sister indeed is her own character just like my aunt but regardless of any of that she has done or will do, she is indeed my sister and I dare any man to try and hurt her even if she thinks that her older brother would never defend her. I want to change and I will change no matter what transpires. I indeed will change. It feels like time is just drawing closer and closer to what might transpire at the same time, the feeling of anxiousness is growing within me in fear that maybe I'm not in love with her or maybe she's not in love with me or maybe somebody else might have her heart already….. But I can't think like that….. Like I've said already, I honestly don't know what life has to give me, but ever since I looked into her eyes all I want is for her to be my world… Hopefully, she lets me….. All I can do is believe that things work out since reasons are meant to be left unknown. Today at work was definitely impactful as my heart truly could not stop beating from the nervousness that I had all day as butterflies were just filling my stomach. Wondering if she would like the flowers and the chocolates or just throw them away? I told a few people and they encouraged me to do it, especially Gar & Aries. Somehow, it just made me even more nervous while having a runny nose the entire day. I didn't know what was weirder; A patient that was literally butt naked (they were still wearing their scrub but their ass was definitely hanging out) refusing to go to your appointment or the fact that my reflection waved at me when I was walking down the hall on the eighth floor around 9:30 PM…. I'm not thinking too deep into it…. I work here so I don't even wanna think about it. Anyway enough of my stalling, you're probably wondering did I give the mystery girl the chocolates and flowers? Sure I did, in fact I grew a pair just to give her both the flowers and the chocolates! I was so nervous, especially with everyone around it having me blushing from ear to ear 0///////////////0 Call me Goku because the level of how embarrassed I was in the range of over 9000! ^_^ Honestly I truly was embarrassed and really wanted to talk to her but with everyone around I was tongue tied. So I wrote down my number and gave it to her hoping that maybe I could tell her my reason… However….. I've seen this look before. She didn't seem interested at all; she didn't even have the flowers close to her. She put it on Eris' desk as if she was tossed her book bag on the ground to the side…. She wanted me to explain why she had to call or text me as she did a little bit and I ended up just telling the truth. I spilled my guts and explained how I've felt about her, how I wanted to take things slow and most importantly how I wanted to get to know her more than just a team lead but as a participle partner. I wanted us to text each other notes and really get into the headspace of each other similar to the movie called "To All The Boys I've Loved Before". ... Like I said you didn't seem like it mattered to her sure she got flowers and chocolates but it seemed like everything that I was saying and everything that was the first thing was going off of death years….. was able to actually read her this time and just buy her body language alone and the fact that she told me she'll think about it made me realize that it was a rejection without needing rejecting. I've learned many things from my father in the last five years I stayed with him but one thing is obviously clear:
"If a woman wants you, it will be obvious. If a woman knows you want them, then it's a wrap as they know that they got you because in their minds they got you and if you continue to let them have you then they don't need to do anything but make you look like a sucker for love."
That was what was playing in my head when she told me that and by the time Gar got to the office to drop off his phone along with telling me to follow him so we could go home. I kissed her on the forehead along with giving her a hug, knowing that this might be the last time I do so. No one noticed that my joyful appearance slowly, but surely, began to fade. I don't hold anything against her or even mad, all I feel at the moment is a difference. All I can do is just let fate take its course because like many people in my life have told me that there are plenty of fish in the sea and if she decides not to take my offer then more than likely someone else will. I'm a good guy and been through hell so maybe heaven will shine upon me someone that will appreciate me for who I am if it's not her. Oh and I ended up giving copies out to Aries & Nia. Both of them wanted to see what I can do in the way of my writing so Hopefully they understand more about me. Even though they mainly wanted to know since I have a habit of writing Smut. You know that I've been through a lot as I'm not trying to gloat or make it seem like I'm some big shot, I'm just Shemp. Truly I can say that many people on second shift, even the nurses that I work with or just the patients really showed me how much people care about me and hoped things turned out OK…I told Gar that I would give her four days to make a decision but I doubt anything really is gonna come out of it but I'm just glad that I put myself out there and not just choked up or simply played myself. The reason why I say four days is because the fact that you got a look at it through someone who has seen this all before and been through it all before even though it still hurts but it's like saying that I might go out with you but have other options that could possibly be a better option. I believe that God puts people in our paths to show us what we've learned or who we should possibly be with. Everything is a life lesson & nothing is given to you for free or without consequences. That's what I love about my job and the people I work with, no matter if I'm single or taken, I'm still able to have a good old time with a smile on my face knowing that the world has something to offer me that I couldn't find in New York State. A common ground where people know who I am and actually give me a smile instead of sideways glance all the time. That is the type of love I appreciate the most. :)