Warnings: Recalling some elements of Sexual assault. Victim blaming, self-blame and self-doubt. And I don't know if this qualifies as panic attack so be warned.
Please proceed with absolute caution!
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He bent forward, spine curving as he curled up to himself, bringing his knees to his chest as he buried his face between them and sobbed, breath coming in short pants as the cool wind from the open window of his room caressed whatever part of his body was exposed.
The omega whimpered, pain shooting up his arm as the broken bones of his fingers throbbed achingly whilst his heart beat harshly against his ribcage, his breath coming in broken and irregular stutters.
Hands digging into his hair, fingers tangling with the mess of his wet locks as they curled around them and pulled hard, until all he could feel was pain, the stinging pain from his scalp combined with the ache of the broken appendages only further aggravated by the searing ache and the disgusting crawl of his skin.
The omega gasped for breath, burning hot tears pooling in his eyes that were flushed red as he bit his lower lip. His mouth felt raw with how many times he had brushed his teeth, his skin felt like it had been stripped of the layer with all the times he had scrubbed his face and his body in a futile attempt to get rid of the horrid sensation of those merciless hands crawling on his body.
Felix let out a keen, the noise closer to a wounded cry than anything else as the cold wind brushed against his skin, sending a bolt of shiver down his spine as he hugged himself harder, curling into himself tighter as though he wanted nothing more than to disappear.
He did. He wanted to disappear and to be forgotten. He wanted to no longer remember the cruel invasion into his body, the warm gush of his own blood, the sickening mix of bodily fluids that trailed down his person.
He wanted nothing more than to forget it all. He wanted this all to be a nightmare. He wanted it to be a sickening fantasy that his mind thought would be a good thing to have.
He wanted, he wished, he hoped and prayed desperately for himself to wake up from this hell.
But he never did.
The longer he sat in front of the mirror, hiding from himself, from the world, from his reflection and everything. Everything. The harder it became to look at himself, the ruin his body was in.
No matter how much he tried, all he could see was the glaring marks of physical coercion, of force being used on his body. All his eyes were unfortunately attracted to were the long, grotesque scratches, the large hand and the fingers that had enclosed around his throat and left their mark.
Conquest. Pleasure, sadistic desire.
What must have that alpha felt as he entered Felix's body without his consent?!
The omega glared at his reflection as he disentangled his fingers from his hair and covered his face with his hands, the tremors of his fingers, the shaking of his arms, of his shoulders and his body; all of it expressed the magnitude of his fear as tears spilled down his eyes, the saline beads trailing down his cheeks as they cascaded from his chin, falling off to soak into the softness of his bathrobe.
Even the softness of this fabric felt all too much on his skin. He couldn't forget the phantom caresses that disregarded his will and stripped him of his agency, merciless as they rendered him utterly helpless.
Even the reflection he found himself numbly gazing into seemed to distort as it pointed an accusatory finger at him, the reflection's expression thunderous as it opened his mouth and sneered.
"Your fault. Your fault!" It grew agitated. "If you hadn't seduced him, if you hadn't worn those clothes, he wouldn't have touched us! Your fault! Your fault!" It continued chanting, pointing its finger at him with anger in its eyes.
Felix covered his face, peeking through the spaces between his eyes as he shook his head, face pallid as he let out a whimper, a pained noise as his broken fingers rested limply on his face.
Your fault! It's all your fault! You invited him!
You wanted him to touch you!
You wanted him to fuck you!
"I didn't! I didn't! I didn't seduce him, I didn't—" he protested in a feeble voice, desperation in his every word as he shook his head vigorously whilst the entirety of his body shook "—I didn't do anything!" He broke down, falling to his knees as he sobbed, leaning on his side against the vanity drawers as he bowed his head and screamed into his hands "—I didn't seduce him! I didn't hint anything! I didn't want it! I was wearing the uniform! Argh— I didn't!"
As he fought with the enemy he couldn't see. The enemy that resided in his mind, Felix laid on the floor, breath heaving as he choked out words in defence of himself, face flushed red and drenched in his own tears.
"I didn't!!" He yelled, covered his ears as he closed his eyes, distress bleeding into the scent emanating from his glands. "I didn't do anything! I didn't want him! Help me, help me… Please…"
It was a sour smell, bitter and repugnant.
Tears fell unrestrained as the omega bowed his head, spine arched upwards as his body shook, shudders wrecked through his body like a freight train crashing into him.
Even gentle touch of cold wind felt like a slithering noose around his neck, suffocating him until his lungs hurt, the entire room felt as though filled to the brim with innumerable fingers pointed towards him.
Shameless. Whore. He was asking for it. He wanted it. Don't act like you weren't trying to get him between your legs. He must have spread his legs and begged for the alphas knot.
Whore. Slut. Shameless. Die. Die. Die—
Slut— he was asking for it—
He wanted it—
—begged like a bitch—
Does he even deserve to live—??
No. No. No. He didn't want it! He didn't want it!
It wasn't his fault. "No, please! Please! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Felix pressed his hands on his ears as hard as he could whilst sobs poured out his lips and his stomach turned with nausea. "Shut up!!"
It was not his fault. Then why did he feel so guilty? Why were these voices blaming him?
Why did he feel so dirty?