It was one of those nights when my parents came home late again. I was sleeping on the sofa with my right arm covering my eyes. At that time my stepdad was using my phone since his phone was getting repaired. He woke me up in the middle of the night asking me where my phone was. I replied with a lazy I don't know maybe it must be around here somewhere and he was searching for it on my pillow. I then remembered that I had kept it on the table in plain sight and I was just about to tell him that when he groped me. I thought he accidentally touched it but when he started rubbing it and made grunting noises, that's when I knew that he was sexually harassing me.
I was stunned and didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream at him and pull out his hair but my body was still in shock so it wouldn't respond to any of my thoughts. He didn't stop until I pretended like I was waking up. He quickly took my phone and left towards his bedroom. I sat up quickly and just stared at the wall for a while. Still in disbelief. How could the person we trusted the most do this to us? Or maybe was I acting some sort of way to lead him on? Was it the clothes that I was wearing? Was I provocative? Was I gaining weight again? Was I deserving of it? Was all the harassment I received deserving?
I couldn't even react but when I finally did, it was because of my anger and disgust. He was having sex with my mom right after touching me. I thought he would have some sort of regret but boy was I wrong. He got turned on by me and then did it with my mom. I was immensely disgusted and cried my eyes out. Was my worth just that much? Didn't my feelings matter? I cried and cried silently to make sure that I made zero voice but just when I was having a breakdown our apartment door flung open and I pretended to sleep by covering my face with a blanket. Whoever came there left the door open and the noise disturbed my mom. She came to investigate to see what was happening.
When she saw that the door was still open she directly came near me and instead of pulling the sheets off my face and asking what was happening. She pulled the sheets from my lower body first to make sure that my pants were still on. Even my mom thought of me as a bitch. After careful observation she finally pulled the sheets off my head and didn't ask what was happening. Instead she directly asked who was it. Like how the fuck would I know? She didn't even trust her own daughter.
When she saw my swollen eyes then did she realize that something was wrong. My stepdad entered the scene and asked what was wrong and why was I crying? How dare he fucking ask me that. He was the one that made me cry. I said everything was fine and went back to bed. My mom went after that person and asked what he was doing and that poor guy who had the apartment mixed up was enquired even though he didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't sleep that night fearing that it might happen again. I didn't went to bed until I heard him snoring loudly. When I went to bed it was almost 6 in the morning and I had to leave for school by 7:30.
I woke up late and by the time I checked, it was already 7:50. I rushed to prepare but before I left I made sure to change my phone's password so he couldn't have access to it anymore. At school I kept on thinking about it and cried incessantly. I wanted to tell my sister about it but I knew about her confronting nature and I didn't want my two youngest siblings to have their dad in jail too. I didn't want them to experience the same things that I did. I instead thought of telling my mom and rehearsed it multiple times in my head. That night I waited for her and when she did come, she was drunk and was bawling her eyes about how my stepdad was cheating on her. She kept on calling him multiple times even though he brought a woman with him, right in front of her eyes. She made a huge scene.
I was heartbroken because I had no idea that she loved him so much. I couldn't tell her about it and break her heart even more. Just when I was trying to get her back in the house my stepdad came and took her inside. I rushed inside my room at the sight of him and locked my room. I never did that but after that incident I couldn't trust anyone anymore. I waited for them to fall asleep but I fell asleep in between as I didn't sleep properly the night before. When I woke up in the morning I saw my room door open and the keys still hanging on the knob. I felt violated. I quickly checked my body and didn't find anything suspicious. But I still couldn't relax and kept on crying again. I went to my school and slept the whole day in class. My groupmates asked what was wrong and I said that I was just tired. I didn't know what to do and felt so numb. I did what it took to bring back my senses. It wasn't the most wise decision but at that time that was the only solution that I could see. My only way to escape and cope with it. The only way to stop the numbing. The only way I could make sure that everything that was happening to me was real and I was not imagining things. I started cutting myself.