I saw them looking at my scars and I felt so naked at that moment. I wanted to vanish from everyone's sight. I wish I was invisible right now or maybe I had the power to travel back in time so I could make sure I never uttered a word to anyone. We went out to eat and I pretended to be the happy girl. Back at home, my sister tried talking with me but I shut her down and went to sleep. The next day I attended the counseling session for the last time since I didn't want to hurt my counselor's feelings by suddenly ghosting him. I told him that I was feeling better and I didn't need assistance anymore. He was happy to hear that.
I didn't trust anyone from that moment. I just stayed in my room crying all the time. I would cry for hours and most of the time I would suddenly stop crying and feel like nothing was real. Everything felt so surreal. I would be so distracted all the time that my focus level declined drastically. I tried keeping things to myself but there came a breaking point where I was so overwhelmed with my emotions that I couldn't take it anymore. I told one of my female groupmates about it and she said it was going to be okay. I told few of my leftover friends from the past about it and they did worry about me. I was so happy that someone understood me but things change I guess. They didn't care about it after sometime and that's when I realized that nobody cares if you're sad and neither do they want to hear about your pity story so I just totally gave up.
That year I spent it in the most lonely way possible. I passed my exams and got into a high school. I also joined a volunteer group that my sister was a member of. I went to check out how it was and I found it extremely nice. I wanted to join it and that club was the reason I broke out of my shell. The previous club members held a dancing program to reduce the awkwardness among the newbies. It had no rule, if you wanted to dance then you just told your song and you went in the centre and started dancing. One of the newbie asked me if I could dance and I said I was learning a kpop dance. She asked which one and I said 'I can't stop me' by twice. She immediately told the dj about it and my sister was shocked to hear that. She asked me if I really wanted to do that and if I didn't want to then it's okay. Her friends encouraged me to dance while my sister looked sort of worried.
I was really really embarrassed that I was receiving so much attention but then, I don't know where this thought came from. I thought to myself that it was the only chance I will get. Do I want to screw it up as always and cry about it or just embrace it without any regrets. The emotion that I hated the most was regret and up to that point in my life I was always living in the cloud of regrets and what ifs. I wanted to change that and have at least one moment in my life that I was proud of myself. The music started and since my body was used to the beat I started dancing automatically. My sister's reaction was priceless, she literally fell on the ground from the surprise. She was proud and started hyping me up. I was really hyped up and danced with all my might. When the song was over everyone there complimented me. Even the girl that I had a little crush on. I am a bisexual and found out about it quite late in my life. I mean not that late but still late. My sister knew about it and just accepted it thinking it was just a phase.
It was definitely not a phase because as soon as I joined my new school and got new classmates. I already had my eyes set on a girl. At first, she looked really mean and uptight but when I got to know her after sometime I literally fell in love with her. She introduced me to her friends and I got pretty close with them too. She used to do this really adorable thing where she would poke my nose and cheeks. I would get butterflies but I hid it pretty well.
The 11th standard was the peak of my extrovert phase. I made friends easily and I would cheer and yell from the sidelines whenever there was a program at school. Basically it was amazing and I enjoyed it a lot. That was the time when I learned that my friend C was also a bisexual like me and she had her eyes set on the topper of our class. We were happy for her and she was the only person who knew that I had a crush on D. D was close with everyone and most people thought that she was a lesbian and so did I. Because she literally hated the male species and never once dated in her life.
I was scared that I would also be one of the people in her rejection list so I played safe and just stayed friends with her. D and C were the only person who knew me in and out apart from my sister, especially D. I literally loved that girl to bits. She was always the one to stop me from doing dumb shits and took care of me. She respected my space and knew when to leave me alone. She never once got angry at me and always had my back. She was the epitome of perfection. Once, out of curiosity I asked her about her sexuality and she replied that she was straight which literally crushed me.