I tried moving on from her and found another crush. Proposed to him and got rejected. It didn't hurt. I kept on changing crushes. Once I even had a crush on a guy that I later found out was gay. Boy, class 11 was hectic. Then I passed and moved on to class 12. Spoiler alert! It was the most gut wrenching year for me. Shit I never knew I could feel that much until I reached that point. I was desperate for hope all the time.
It was the year 2023, and my family situation grew worst and worst since my dad (who also lived with my uncle) was drowned in his addiction of alcohol. Constant fights everywhere and where would all the anger of my uncle's wife go? Obviously me because I was the punching bag. I never argued back and just beared it. She got angry when my uncle took me and my siblings to meet my mom who was in jail. When we reached back home I was cleaning the kitchen when she came and asked me why the fuck was everything messy and that, all we do is roam all day. Hurt my feelings but what could I say since I was basically living off her.
That was just one of the things she said to me. She once even said that I was making them poor. Thanks for the reality check, really needed that to know that my worth wasn't even equal to the dirt underneath her feet but I was used to it. Then my uncle was taken to jail for something that I can't even remember. She was having a hard time and again who faced all her wrath? Me. I would start living in my room and never came out, if she was at home. Sometimes she would even come in my room to yell at me.
My uncle soon got released on bail and I thought everything would become better but instead it became even worse. The mental abuse became even worse than those years that I was living with them. Both of my sisters were in college so there was no one to protect me. My elder sister would constantly put pressure on me to study hard and I made sure I did. I was really bad at maths but because she told me to study I studied hard and passed my maths test but the only reply I got was, you won't get anywhere with that marks. I was so devastated at that point so I totally gave up. I was also admitted in the hospital for a week due to hypertension and all of a sudden they were so nice to me. Basically they wanted to show to others that even though they weren't my parents they still cared for me like one. Lol pretentious asses.
I got fatshamed at school and everything was so devastating. Dated two of my friends and broke up with them on bad terms. Got addicted to smoking and even stole money to do that. Got yelled for stealing. Asked money from my mom's side of relatives and got scolded for asking money. Made a ton shit of credit and couldn't pay it back. Was constantly under a lot of stress. Started bunking school.
I was always sad and my extrovert phase eventually died. I cursed myself for not being able to be like other students who studied hard, especially the girls who had both beauty and brains. I didn't know what to do with my life. People called me out for being annoying. Got ignored and even took out my anger on some of my friends. That was the reason why I broke up with P(my guy friend) because he couldn't take my mood swings anymore. And for C, she was able to take my mood swings but I felt guilty for putting her through hell. I was a mess.
Thought of ending myself but never found the courage to do so. So I would just stay up crying most of the nights. Never got enough sleep. Slept during most of my lessons. Got really poor marks. And never really had the will to live anymore. I was just existing and flying in the wind. My teacher saw this and send me to the counselor and this time instead of listening I argued back. I literally told him to shut the fuck up in the most polite way. Maybe he got the clue.
I stopped talking for a while and the only relief I got was from smoking. Soon my family found out about it and started yelling at me for not stopping. Funny because they were the one who pushed me to this extreme addiction. A packet of cigarettes was never enough for me to last a whole day. I smoked and smoked until sometimes I started puking my gut out. One day I was so desperate to smoke and I found a packet of cigarettes in my uncle's room so I took it. It had 20 pieces inside but it still didn't even last a hour. I was getting addicted day by day. My friends were worried and my ex C (I had reconciled with both ex by that time) was also deeply worried about me. She would constantly ask me to stop but I couldn't and just got sucked deeper in it. After sometime people stopped asking me to stop. I guess they were really tired of talking to a person with tree bark for ears.
I couldn't care less and tried to numb everything. I would read books that was the only escape from reality other than smoking. Smoked shit like crazy and slept throughout the day. But I got yelled at everyday. That yelling and pressure kept on building courage inside me. After a while when a person gets too triggered, they've got only two choice; which is either fight or flight. I chose the latter one. I ate ton load of meds that I found lying around the house and when that didn't work, I walked into that river.