Cutting myself felt so much exhilarating because I actually felt something else than constant numbness. Even though what I felt was extreme hateness for myself I still felt something. I wouldn't show myself any mercy. I would hit and curse myself. I wanted to stop at some point but I couldn't because it was so addicting. I was really depressed and I made sure I never slept in my house because I didn't wanted things to get worse. I slept during my classes and missed a lot of things. I didn't mind missing classes because I was never really interested in it. Slowly I was becoming more and more mad. I was paranoid whenever I needed to leave for my house.
I didn't want to go to that hellhole. I was left exhausted at home, both physically and mentally all the time. I started hating myself to such a point that one day I climbed up a bridge ready to give up on everything. I cried my eyes out. I was ready to leave, leave everything even if it meant disappointing my loved ones. I wanted to be selfish for once. I didn't wanted to think of anyone or put them before me. I didn't wanted to pretend to be strong and act like I've got everything under control. I didn't wanted to act stable and reliable. I did not wanted to be the kind and understanding girl anymore. I wanted to do things for myself even if it meant ending myself.
I was about to jump when a stranger walked past me but stopped in his tracks when he noticed what I was doing. He asked what I was doing and I replied awkwardly that my phone fell in the water and I was looking for it. I quickly got off and he asked if I was commiting suicide with a disgusted look on his face. I said no and ran back to my place. For the next few days I was sulking in my sadness and didn't know what to do. That's when, one morning I was having my breakfast and my stepdad came to me and said that he was leaving. I was extremely happy but got sad when he said that he was taking the kids with him too. I didn't even ask why and when he saw how unbothered I was he told the reason by himself. My mom was cheating on him. I was so mad at everyone at that time. Angry at him for acting sad like he was hurt. Angry at my mom for acting like she was in love with him.
Was I a joke to everybody? Why was everyone taking me for granted? Was my worth really that much? I laughed and cried for quite some time and then just accepted the fact. My mom send me back to my uncle's place. I packed my bags and left my mom's place. Both my sisters lived with my uncle so I had no problem there except for his wife. I was just existing everywhere. No one ever really noticed my presence and even thought I liked it that way, the empty void in my chest yearned to have someone to stay for a lifetime. To stick with me through my bad and good days but I know I was a handful so I never expected anyone to stay long. But how I wished to be one of the popular girls who got all the attention. The status of popularity. The friends and acquaintances to hang out with. The person who was loved by everyone and made friends easily with anyone without boring them. The one who got wished happy birthday by everyone without being asked. I got wished by my sister while others would just ask if it was my birthday and when I told them yes only then would they wish me. I really wanted someone to remember the small things.
But sadly no one did. I remember one time when I was in the seventh grade I was desperately waiting for my mom to wish me happy birthday and at that time my birthday got clashed with a national holiday and when my mom finally did reach out to me. It was to wish for the national holiday. Disappointed but not surprised. Anyways it was always my sister who was there for me. She would always remember what I liked and disliked. My food preferences. My type in guys. My past relationships. The difference between my normal resting face and sad face. She knew everything about me. She was both my best friend and my sister. If I ever had to marry I would marry someone like my sister. She would always take care of me and took me out to eat a lot of times.
I was really depressed at that point in my life and the constant nagging from my uncle's wife made it even worse. It was as if she had made it her goal to make me sad. I was so tired of everything but I never showed it to anyone. I would just cry by myself. I couldn't stop hurting myself even though I wanted to, so I got help from my counselor at school. I talked with him and told him about everything. He gave me some suggestions about how to manage my feelings.
At that time I didn't like his suggestions at all but now, when I think about it I should've listened to him. Not all the part but only one specific advice which was to let it go. Holding on to it would only destroy me. He asked me if he could tell about my situation to my mom and I literally begged him not to tell her. He agreed and I believed him. Once I came back from school and saw that my mom was there too. My mom and sister asked me to get changed since we were going out to eat. I quickly freshened up and changed my clothes. That's when I noticed the weird looks. The looks of worry. He told her.