I had a really busy life for a lonely teenager. At home, I never had time for myself. As soon as I reached my home my stepdad would be anxiously waiting for me not because he's worried or anything but because he wanted to go out with his friends and would leave me with my two youngest siblings (who were still toddlers) and a house that looked like it had been hit by a hurricane. My mom didn't come back until she was with her husband; she's the obsessively jealous type and would do anything to cling to him. They would mostly fight because of this habit which sometimes led to physical fights. That's why my sister left the house, because she couldn't take it anymore.
My job was to clean the messed up house, wash the piles and piles of dishes since no clean dishes were available for use, cook meals for my family, feed the kids and put them to bed. By the time I was done, it would usually become very late and I would be immensely tired so I didn't really had the time to study or do my homeworks. But it wasn't really a problem for me since I could prepare for my exams at the last minute and the homeworks were all done at school the next day. I lived a busy life so I did needed rest sometimes and that's why I would pretend to be sick and stay at home. I did it whenever I was not in the mood for school.
I did everything by myself and got good grades so the teachers didn't say much and neither did my parents. They didn't care unless I didn't do my regular chores. My social life was never disrupted due to this reason because I never had one to begin with. In the past my mom would force my sister to drag me with her and I was never interested in going but my sister took me anyway. She would introduce me to her friends and I would think that I gave them a warm and comforting smile which was a lie. I would just think of it and thought that was what I was doing but my sister's friends would say otherwise. They said to my sister that they were afraid of me and when my sister asked why? They said that I would look at them scarily.
None of my sister's friends would believe her whenever she said that I talked non stop at home(which is true). They would ask things like, your sister? The one we met? Yeah I don't think so. Even her male friends were intimidated by me. One day she asked me, more like begging, that I smile and talk more. Basically be the home version me when I was out with her. I rejected her coldly saying that I'm very nervous around people. I was, I was so introverted at that time that I couldn't even talk to people on the phone without stuttering or leaving long silences in between. Even when the two of us took a cab together and the driver would ask questions I would deliberately stay silent so she could talk. Even when we had family gathering or guests I would run away and she would do all the talking. I felt so relaxed that I had an extrovert sister.
I was still obsessed with losing weight so I wouldn't eat and even if I did I would eat some instant noodles. I stopped with the vomiting thing at that time. Once, my stepdad brought the same friend who said mean things to me at our house and what he said made me so happy that I can't even describe it. He said that I've lost a lot of weight. Thanks man, it was nothing I just lost myself in the process but appreciate the compliment. Wish I had said that but I didn't because I never liked making people feel awkward until I couldn't take it anymore.
I made a routine of crying on weekends so I wouldn't have any negative energies within me. Or maybe I did that because I was seriously depressed. I dated a guy at that time and he had said that he wanted me to be the first person to lose his virginity to. He said it after a week of dating. Maybe it wasn't a big deal but I was still a kid being sexualized by everyone so I thought he was doing the same too. I didn't reply to his text and he broke up with me because of that. I was being harrased online too. Many men would text me and ask for nude pictures and said that I was sexy and wanted to do all the dirty stuffs with me. Why? Because of my profile picture, it was of me wearing a off shoulder with a LED light crown on my head. What was there to sexualize about it?
It shouldn't have bothered me much but it did because of the condition at my home. My stepdad would always joke about how I wouldn't wake up from my sleep even if he raped me and he would even throw lewd remarks at me. I thought nothing of it at first but it started to feel really awkward. It was so awkward that I would flinch whenever he was around or called me to pass him something. Soon words turned into actions and he started holding my waist from the back whenever I wasn't paying attention. He would act as if he did it to scare me but the way he touched me felt really off. I still didn't say anything since I refused to believe that he was trying to do something to me since he never did. Not even once did he touch me. I was glad for that but I shouldn't have jinxed it. My mom and stepdad ran a restaurant at that time and would always come home late and when they did come home, they would always bring in guest which meant I had to sleep in the living room. Then one day it happened.