"Uh… hey," he greets.
"Hi?"
"Okay, how do I say this?" he enquires but seems to be asking himself more than me.
I knit my eyebrows down and look around for someone to give me some answers. Why is he talking to me? I thought he wanted nothing to do with me. After I ruined how we could have had a good thing going, a friends with benefits thing he said he did not want to be associated with me. In the beginning, I was pissed at him and I kept asking myself, why he was not going to be friends with me just because I did not want to have sex with him?
Who even makes that sort of ultimatum? What sort of person demands that from someone they have built a strong bond with?
Until I put myself in his shoes. Maybe he was just scared of handing his heart to someone else or even being publicly out as bisexual.
He shakes his head in a preparatory manner. "Um… I don't like you like that."
I frown in bemusement and my eyebrows sink even lower. "What?"
"You know, I appreciate you saying that I'm different and everything."
I never said that. When did I say that?
"Look, you might not have gotten over it but I meant it when I said that I didn't… like you like that back when we were in the tenth year. You know, we were friends, but that's where it ended."
I shake my head from side to side and my eyes flutter rapidly as if to wake up my sleeping brain and tell it to function efficiently because I'm so confused right now. "I'm sorry, but what are you talking about? I'm… so lost right now."
His emeralds search my expression as if he is bemused by my lack of understanding. Whilst licking his bottom lip, his gaze wavers to the side in contemplation. Instead of answering, he pulls his phone out and holds it out for me to take.
I look up at his face in confusion. And then his phone with the cracked screen. Then him. Then the phone again. Tucking my books underneath my free arm, I swipe the device out of his hand and silently ask him what I am supposed to do with it, gesturing to him with a shoulder shrug that I am still perplexed.
"Watch the video," he tells me.
Pressing on the screen to play the supposed video, I watch it.
"Okay, so you won't believe me but during recess, Michael dragged me to sit with his friends and the entire time we were sitting together, he had his arm around my shoulders. I genuinely think he might like me otherwise he would not want to spend more time with me, right? And Taylor would say I'm being naïve because of his reputation but I don't really care what anyone says about him. With me he's different."
The boy in the video pauses with an awe-filled look in his eyes.
"He's so fucking beautiful as well which is the unfair bit…"
Then he utters some more words of praise as my hands shakenly grasp the phone.
No, what the fuck?
That's me.
As I look up at him in utter shock, my eyes meet his blank stare.
How the hell did he get a hold of this? This is one of the videos from my vlogs meant solely for my eyes. Why does he have this video? My brows furrow in bemusement at this sudden intrusion. The thought of Dominic sending it to him crosses my mind, but why would he do that? My mind wanders as I try to make sense of it all. When would they have even started talking to each other? How could they have started speaking to each other?
I wonder if Dominic might have lost my memory card, and maybe Michael found it, but I can't be sure. The uncertainty and confusion are overwhelming and I am left grappling with both unanswered questions and a sense of immense panic.
Why does he have this?
"W-Where did you—where did you get this from?" I breathe out and I can't suppress the panic in my voice as it quivers. He gives me a weird look and when he doesn't respond to my enquiry I demand loudly, "Where did you get this from?"
"The app. On YouTube. There are a bunch of them there under your channel, I guess. I wasn't aware of it until Gabe told me about it. Everyone knows. Everyone all over the school. It's—you're the trending topic of Mossbourne."
My heart drops out of its place from his words. Everyone knows? What does he mean everyone knows? That is not possible, is it? I'm sure some people haven't seen it, right? There is no way that everyone has seen it. Can I delete it before anyone else does? How does one delete things from YouTube if it isn't one's channel? Is that possible?
Loud pants escape past my parted lips and noticeably, my chest rises and falls with each breath of panic.
"There's also the diary entries posted on the noticeboard, I guess. Look, Seong Jin, I think you're a cool guy and you know, your style is amazing, but—"
I don't even wait to hear what he has to say. I immediately push past him and take off running through the hallway to the noticeboard.
As I'm running, the snickers grow louder and louder and people begin to pass around their phones. And it hits me why everyone was staring at me; not because of my fucking shorts. Somehow my personal videos have gone viral and now every single person in the school is going to know that I'm the boy who got rejected about three times by three different guys.
When I get there, a bunch of people are surrounding the noticeboard, laughing their arses off. I push myself through earning a few unrepeatable cuss words, but when one of them realises who I am he begins to shout excitedly, "Hey, look! It's that crusty Seong Jin."
Laughter erupts around me.
Except that is not what I care about right now. What my gaze is currently zeroed on is the papers stapled onto the board. They run across the words on one of them and the more words I process, the more I realise that it's a copy of the one entry that I was hoping it wouldn't be, the one where I'm pouring my heart out about my feelings for Edward.
Our times together before he started dating Taylor. The jealousy I felt when they got together. Everything. In utter shock, I cover my mouth. How the hell did these end up on the noticeboard?
If Taylor sees these she is going to hate me. Forever. I need to find her. I need to explain to her that it's not what it seems. I need to tell her before she sees these.
"Hey," a loud familiar voice punctures through the chuckles and snickers and amused looks. "Every single one of you, get to class. The late bell has already rung."
Reluctantly, they follow their student body president's command and after a few minutes, the hallways are empty, leaving just Edward and I. I cannot even find the courage to look at him.
"Seong Jin," he starts and places a hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me, only it doesn't help, "we need to find Taylor. We have to explain to her that this is not what it seems. You obviously didn't write any of these things. It's just one big misunderstanding. Come on, let's go."
Instead of following after him, I stay rooted in my spot.
He turns around and gives me a questioning look. "Seong Jin?"
"I did," my words leave as a whisper.
"What?"
"I wrote every single thing in that letter, and now, Taylor is probably going to hate me forever," I whisper, my eyes stinging from the tears which are gathering in there and I instantly bury my face into the crevices of my palm to obscure them from Edward. "I'm so fucked. She's never going to forgive me."
He remains quiet for a while, taking in and processing the information. "No, she won't hate you forever. You and her are like best friends. Besides, you'll explain to her that this letter, okay, is probably from a long time ago, right?"
"Seong Jin?" The voice I have been dreading to hear pierces through the silence.
I wince painfully. Slowly lifting my eyes, they meet Taylor's perplexed eyes.
A paper flutters loudly in her hand. "What's this?"
I'm sorry.
"Babe—"
She cuts him to continuously badger me, "Are you in love with Eddie?"
I'm sorry.
"Taylor, let's not jump to conclusions here."
I'm sorry.
"I asked you a question, Seong Jin. Are you in love with Edward?"
When I merely remain quiet, unable to open my mouth to simply answer the question, a bitter smile curls onto the corner of her mouth and then she nods slowly as if that was the confirmation she needed. The paper falls out of her grasp and tumbles down onto the floor, sinking at the very same time my heart drops.
This is the end, her dim eyes tell me, this is the end of our friendship. She does not want a friend who betrays her like this. My gaze keeps conveying how apologetic I am, but I don't think she wants to hear or see that right now.
She hates me. I can see it in her eyes.
She turns around and storms away.
I do not try to stop her. What can I say to defend myself? The last letter was this very year, the day my sketchbook got lost. The day I lied about going to fetch an Othello book and went to the library to write about Edward being this perfect specimen. These entries aren't from a long time ago. I wrote most of these words this year. I do have feelings for Edward. It's all true.
"I'll talk to her."
He does not stay with me. He runs after his girlfriend.
A tear slips down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away, using the back of my hand. The uncertainty of the situation causes a lump to grow in my throat. After taking a deep, shuddering breath, I try to steady my nerves, but the fear and anxiety gripping me in its cold fingers continue to churn within me.
I glance around at the empty hallways, realising I am the last soul standing out here. I should go to class, but the thought does not sound particularly attractive. I want to get away, disappear from reality. This time around though, I'm not stuck in a restroom like I was when I could not run away from Dominic. With no hesitation, my feet quickly carry me in the direction of a friendless teenager's safe haven.
I run.
And it's not running after my childhood best friend.
No, it's ironically to the restroom. The only place I can go to.
* * *
He did it.
He has finally asked Jodie to be his girlfriend and I was right. She said yes.
The moment has been spreading all over her social media, almost overshadowing me. Almost. Currently, I am the most popular at Mossbourne Community Academy. But also the lone wolf of the school has a girlfriend and it happens to be one of the most popular girls in school, Jodie Dillon. It's huge news. Everyone wants to know how this has happened. How has he tamed the promiscuity in her? How has she captured the heart of the lone wolf?
They all don't know, but I know.
I watch the short again. After giving him a tight hug that he reciprocates, she announces to the camera that they are dating. He is smiling the whole time, just staring at her with this glow I have never seen in his eyes before. Like he hasn't done anything wrong, like nothing is eating away at his conscience. They have both changed their statuses to show that they are both in a relationship and Dominic immediately posted a picture of them, her kissing him on the cheek, on his Instagram.
I remember telling him that he had a ninety nine percent (rounded down) chance of getting rejected, but then I came up with my stupid unplanned plan and now he has the girl that he has wanted.
I should be elated that I have succeeded, that I have proved him wrong, but at what expense? All my dirty laundry has been aired for everyone to see. I have just lost my best friend. Edward probably wants nothing to do with me too. It's not fair. Why does he get his happy ending?
The sound of footsteps coming towards the restroom pulls me out of my train of thoughts and when the door is pushed open, I silence myself.
The first thing that hits me in this cubicle is the smell. It's a variety of cleaning substances. It smells so much better than the girls' bathroom drenched in perfume, so I have heard. Before I can stop it, another sniffle escapes me and I wipe the back of my hand across my nose. Ruffling through the inside of my bag for something to wipe my nose with, I almost smack myself at my stupidity. I am in a toilet cubicle and, fortunately, there is toilet paper in here.
"Starr!"
I still, tensing up and my sniffling immediately comes to a stop. I know that voice from anywhere.
When I realise that he is walking over to the front of the door, I quickly pull my feet up to my chest so that he cannot see them from underneath the stall. Besides, what is he doing here? Shouldn't he be in class right now? Is he here to brag about fooling me perhaps? Well, there is no need for that because I already feel like a fool, a played fool. A grimace inhibits my expression when he halts in front of the door of the cubicle I am currently in.
"Starr, I know you're in there," he calls out, his voice tinged with an underline of desperation. "Come out so we can talk."
I do not answer him. I simply close my eyes while my face is buried in between the crevice created by my knees which are pulled up.
With a deep sigh, he adds, "I know what you must be thinking, but I can assure you it's not what it looks like. Just… come out so we can talk. Please."
His plea hangs in the air and I chew on my bottom lip, warring with the desire to confront him and the urge to simply run away. I cannot exactly stay in here for the rest of the day. I need to go to class otherwise my parents are going to be informed that I'm not at school. Then my mum will get suspicious of me because she knows that my father dropped me off at school. After that, I'll probably be suspected of drug abuse since that is the kind of person that Amma is. She gets taken away by drastic thoughts from one simple action.
After wiping my nose clean, I get off the toilet and flush the toilet paper down the drain.
The click of the stall opening rings throughout the echoing room when I emerge from my hiding spot and a sigh of relief escapes his lips when his eyes meet mine. The tension in his shoulders leaves and instead, reprieve replaces the feeling. Tentatively, I step out behind the door. Evidently, I can't help the blow my chest receives at the sight of him.
Why would you do this to me, Dominic? Do you hate me so much that you'd do anything in your power to humiliate me, to make me lose my friends?
Pursing my lips, I focus on not letting him see me crying. I will not give him the satisfaction.
Determined, I let my eyes just watch him blankly. The emotion he normally sees in these hazel browns has completely been wiped off and I am almost certain that I'm mirroring his former self, the person he was before we started talking and he slowly started warming up to me. The boy who would merely go through the motions, feeling nothing and showing nothing.
"Starr," he starts reaching forward but I flinch away from him, causing his hand to stop midway.
Don't touch me, I want to add, but the lump in my throat prevents me from speaking. I'm sure if I do, I will just end up crying.
His hand stays in the air for a little while, but then he lets it drop limply by his side again. "I had nothing to do with this, I swear."
I don't say anything in response; I give him an impassive look, a look I can tell scares him because I am not giving anything away. I am not showing him anything to read what might be going through my head at this very moment. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me broken. I won't let him see that he won the game he was playing, the game I did not even know he was playing. He didn't even give me a hint.
Once I have had enough and realise that staring at him is causing unshed tears to gather in my eyes, I avert my gaze and plan to leave by sidestepping him, but he quickly blocks my way out.
With a slight furrow in his brow, he demands, "Aren't you going to say something?"
"What?" my voice cracks when I finally speak and even though my tone is thick, he shows relief that I have spoken to him. "What do you want me to say?"
"That you believe me. That you believe it when I say that I didn't do this, any of this."
I study his face, searching for any sign of deception. I want so desperately to trust him, to believe that he would not betray me like this, but the doubt lingers in my mind, casting a shadow over our once idyllic world. Peculiar, but worked for us both.
"You're the only person who had that letter, Dominic."
When I say his name, I find myself unconsciously wishing to go back to the days when I used to irritate him with the nickname he loathes. I wish to call him Domi, to erase this day or wake up from this nightmare, anything. I don't know.
"Who do you want me to blame? The fucking janitor?" I muse sardonically with a snarky tone. "You are the first and only suspect."
"Wait, letter? I thought this was about the YouTube channel."
"My letter to Edward was printed into multiple copies and stapled all over the noticeboard," I snap angrily and his eyes widen as if he's surprised by this information. I watch him, unimpressed. "But I'm sure you already knew that."
"No, I would never do that to you," he says to me with conviction in his tone and I shake my head disbelievingly, wondering why he's even trying to take the innocent approach.
When I see him taking a step forward it immediately makes me take one step back. Away from him.
"We had a deal, Seong Jin. Why would I do that?"
"I don't know. Maybe this was your sick plan from the beginning. You use me to get the girl you like and when you finally get her, you humiliate me in the worst way possible."
"Starr, please just listen—"
"No, please just stop it. I don't understand why you're pretending not to know." I hold my hand out to stop him from trying to make up any more excuses.
"That's because I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about. This is news to me too".
"I can't believe I even opened up to you. I told you that my biggest fear was losing my friends and you exploited that fear and you made me lose the two people I care about." Once I'm done speaking, I realise that my eyes are glistening and blurred with fresh tears.
He averts his gaze to the floor.
I wipe them away roughly. "Please just leave."
"Look, I can explain."
"Explain what? How you're the perfect manipulator, pulling the strings on your fucking puppet? Is that what you meant when you said that I was gonna get my sketchbook back sooner rather than later? Well, it was a beautiful play on words, Dominic. I have to hand it to you. You're good. You had me there. I did not suspect a thing."
"I didn't do anything. Okay, this is just one huge misunderstanding."
"Then I guess it's just a coincidence that you and Jodie are now in a relationship, right? You got what you wanted and coincidentally my personal videos go viral."
"Yes," he presses, frustration present in his tone. "Okay, you said yourself that she said she would agree to be my girlfriend if I asked her. I have no idea how the videos or the letter got out, but I promise you, I will find out who did this."
"Don't talk to me anymore," I whisper blandly, putting a full stop to this argument. My sniffling sounds pitiful even to me. "Whatever power imbalance dynamic we had going on between us is done. I am sick and tired of being treated less than by you."
His eyes widen in slight shock. With that being said, I walk around him, heading for the door and that is the moment when the tears start flowing out. When he cannot see how much of an effect this has on me.
"Seong Jin, wait!"
I don't turn back.
This might officially be the worst Tuesday in the history of Tuesdays.